Wack Friday: The Worst Shopping Stampedes

The Bible predicts Rapture will be the end of humanity; the Mayans (arguably) set 2012 as the year of our extinction; John Conner knows that Skynet will annihilate our meatbag bodies in 2011.

Unfortunately, most of those predictions were prophesized before retail existed. After consumerism became a pillar of modern global society, Black Friday Doorbusters took root and sprouted all across America like malignant tumors, aided primarily by our own radioactive stupidity. Soon, the mentality spread to other major consumer events beyond Black Friday—events like, oh, say, the PS3 release day.

So no, humanity's end won't be at the hands of terrorists or plagues. It'll happen one Black Friday, when thousands of morons simultaneously start to riot over the last LCD TV. The sheer amount of idiocy will overload the physics of reality, and all matter will get sucked into a vortex-like Singularity of Dumb. The signs are already there—just take a look for yourself at seven of America's best (read: worst) shopping stampedes.

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If you took this panic-filled video out of context and showed it to someone, he or she would logically assume that Jesus Himself just appeared at a Hardee's in Alabama and told everyone that the world is ending. But that person would be wrong, of course, because these fucktards are simply running each other over to grab a good deal on a bunch of first-generation Xbox 360s...that are just gonna red-ring within a year anyway.

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A 73-year-old woman got trampled in this little bumrush. No one is spared on Black Friday. NO ONE. The general rules of society don't apply on Black Friday, just like the rules don't apply during times of war or Armageddon. You could be eating Thanksgiving turkey on Thursday, and then be curb-stomping a little kid in a retail store parking lot the next day. And no one will think that's strange because they're 1) doing the same thing and 2) SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THAT 50" PLASMA TV IS ONLY $499 AND WHO CARES IF IT'S ONLY 720P—I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

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This one isn't really a knock on Black Friday per se; two people were killed, but not over a copy of COD: World at War. No, apparently the incident started when two women got into a fight and then two men got involved and they shot each other. Miraculously, no one else was hit. To which Charles Darwin says, "See? Told ya!"

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This video is why third world countries hate us. Not because we fight over Xbox 360s instead of food or potable water, but because those idiot kids on the bottom couldn't even snag one of the last consoles. It's just infuriating. Any scavenger worth his salt should have been able to grab one. N00bz.

Not all Black Friday incidents are depressing; every now and then, a tale of consumer heroism bubbles forth from the murk. Two guys waited 36 hours for the PS3's release at a Super Walmart. When they finally got their hands on the consoles, two other guys tried to rob them. So one of the would-be victims shanked one of the robbers. Somehow, the vigilante gamer WASN'T awarded a key to the city, which is just infuriating.

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In one of the most notorious Black Friday incidents of all time, shoppers literally crashed through the Walmart doors, crushing temp worker Jdimytai Damour to death in a stampede. And no one stopped to help him. Seriously, if you take a look at the doors after the incident, they looked worse than the department store doors in The Walking Dead's second episode. And no, we're not exaggerating. The trampling shoppers should have been locked up, since they're apparently brain-dead zombies anyways. SMH x a zillion.