10 Games That Need To Be Made Into An Adult Film

Without porn, the Internet would be a dirty Camaro sitting on the driveway with a family of squirrels squatting in the engine bay instead of an actual V8.

Gaming and porn have a storied history. If there's a PC with Battlefield installed on the HDD, you can be sure there's an ominous folder titled “Finances” just two or three clicks away. The two really should get together (as they sort of had in the past with Custer's Revenge).

Japan has already successfully melded the two staples into a shameful moe beast, but the real appeal lies in crossbreeding a major franchise with everything that excites and embarrasses pious Americans.

Since the US porn industry has no qualms about making porn parodies of every existing movie (still waiting for a XXX-rated version of Girl Interrupted), we'll settle for making our own gaming-equivalent pr0n parody wish list.

James gets thrown into an erotic nightmare of shame. And by shame, we mean Pure Freudian Excellence.

Those nurses that represented sexual frustration in the game? Well in this flick, James finally comes to terms with his tortured, mental anguish by participating in a threesome with them.

So which Final Fantasy would you want to see made into an exquisitely produced adult film? We say, “Why choose”? Take all of the most Rule 34’d girls from the various FF’s (Tifa, Lulu, Rikku, etc) and put them all into one non-sensical epic.

In between each “plot point,” you could have a lavishly rendered CG cutscene of a Moogle getting porked by Cait Sith. Because God knows, there are some sick bastards out there who would appreciate it.

You could come up with any old plot you want with this one, since there really isn’t much of one to begin with. Blah blah blah Morrigan and Felicia in Scene 1, blah blah Morrigan and Hsien-ko and maybe Dimitri in scene 2, etc. That’s it – that’s the script. Done.

It’d basically be a gonzo movie, a genre that finally materialized after porn producers shaved their moustaches and realized that the plots were less important than a salad at a steak dinner. Because really, fighting games are the gonzo genre of the games industry.

No game needs sexual release more than Dark Souls. After all that overbearing death and darkness, the hero just needs to get laid.

But of course in this movie he has to fight tooth and nail and keeps dying over and over again until he can finally schtup some low level she-demon, and then he falls off a cliff and dies.

This is what happens when the Germans realize that there’s money to be made in the Porn X Gaming biz. Europeans already lack inhibition when it comes to adult subject matter, but leave it to the Germans to have Elena and Chloe do things to Nathan that should never be seen even by Satan himself.

While we’re stereotyping entire populations, can we also question why German cars are so damn cramped inside? Japanese cars are WAY roomier, but the Japanese as a whole are tiny compared to Germans. What the hell is up with that? This must have something to do with each country’s native take on porn. Just not sure what.

Fill in the asterisk yourself.

This flick addresses the whole “barely legal/stepdaddy/school girl” subculture of the porn industry. Seriously, it’s somehow ok to depict an older guy engaging in sexual acts with a girl wearing pigtails and a school-girl uniform because it says “All actresses are 18 and over” stamped across the back of the box. But at the end of the day you’re depicting some sweaty dude having sex with a girl who’s portraying herself as a 14 or 15 year old.

So unfortunately, the whole Little Sister thing (AllActressesAreOver18soIt’sOk) would translate well into this genre.

Bleh.

Yup. That’s the title. No further back-of-the-box description necessary.

The most widely praised RPG in recent years deserves nothing less than full-on Dragonborn depravity.

This DVD would become one of the best selling adult releases in pr0n history, but unfortunately causes a shitstorm when millions of fanboys discover that while trying to play the disc on the PS3, the movie keeps freezing up and dropping frames right before the money shots.

Considering all the reskinned nude Alyxs wandering about on millions of PC’s, someone’s probably already made an amazingly non-arousing digital diorama with Garry’s Mod.

But imagine how great it would be to relive your favorite Half-Life 2 (and up) set pieces, now erotically re-imagined. And all from a first person POV.

The moment you first meet Alyx. Those awkward silences between yourself and Alyx in the elevator. The scene where all of the Vortigonts are healing Aly-OHGAWD, UGH.

Pretty much a no-brainer, given all of the hot intergalactic tail sauntering about the stars and planets in Mass Effect’s universe. This would be a two-disc set: one DVD starring a Male-Shep; the other, a Fem-Shep.

Best of all, it’d be like one of those throwback interactive choose-your-own-adventure DVD’s from the early 2000’s. You’d still get to select dialogue choices through a decision tree using your crusty, sticky remote.

No more of those clumsy, oddly rendered love scenes from the game – now you get to wallow in an even MORE potent mix of shame and joy when you finally bed Tali. Oh, and the mask definitely has to stay on.