Image via Complex Original
Everyone likes powering up. You may have powered up recently by eating a protein bar, slowing down time (puff puff pass!), or getting your girl pregnant (which, on the bright side, is like getting the Option in Gradius if you think about it). But some power-ups are just plain useless. You acquire such things in hopes that they'll upgrade your life somehow, but you end up being let down by lofty expectations. You thought that your new Android phone upgrade was going to be truly awesome, and it was—until the battery died after four hours on standby and sending one text message. You dumped your sort-of-frumpy-yet-faithful girlfriend for a hotter one, only to find out that Miss 2.0 has three other boyfriends and a penchant for burning your clothes for no reason.
Video game power-ups can be hit and miss too.
Some upgrades/weapons can be truly gameplay-changing, while others just waste a slot in your inventory, never to be used again. We’ve compiled a list of some of the crappiest power-ups in gaming history—and no, we don’t care if that power-up had some inconsequential use during one particular enemy that you could have beaten anyway without said power-up.
By Ryan Woo
25. Laser Gun (Contra, 1987)
This stupid, slow, orange discharge was just a brighter version of four regular base gun bullets. In addition to not being that strong, it didn’t cover additional area like the Fireball or Spread Gun. It just spurted out weakly in a straight line like so much steroid-addled athlete's ejaculate. Good god, did we really just write that?
24. Top Spin (Mega Man 3, 1990)
It's a tough call between this one and Leaf Shield, but ultimately Top Spin wins (or, more accurately, loses). A weapon that leads to self-inflicted damage and works about as consistently as Sex Panther? We’ll be sure to pick this up after emptying the magazine on our Chinese-made handgun that only fires backwards.
23. Cigarettes (Metal Gear Solid series)
Kojima’s quirks aside, the message with the cigarette inclusion here is that cigarettes are bad for you, word to the Surgeon General. Blowing the smoke in the game might have helped you see some detection lasers in MGS1, but other than that, they just drained your health. It's not like Catherine Zeta-Jones was gonna show up in a catsuit and get all slinky with the lasers anyway, so it's pretty much just fast track to emphysema.
22. Smoke Ball (Super Smash Bros. Brawl, 2008)
This is one of those power-ups that just pisses everyone off. You and your friends are sitting around, enjoying Papa John’s and Mountain Dew, and then some jackass decides to throw the smoke bomb. The whole screen gets covered in unmanly tehcnicolor smoke, and NO one can see what the hell they’re doing, including the thrower. There's nothing left to do but have an impromptu disco party, and then none of you can really look each other in the eye the next day.
21. Army of Hades (God of War, 2005)
OK, this power up isn’t actually useless—it's pretty powerful—but it sucks up all your damn magic to the point where it’s like A-Rod knocking a home run into New Jersey and then just collapsing afterwards even though it's only the fourth inning. How are you supposed to complete sex minigames if you're running around depleted? (We're talking about Kratos here, not A-Rod. We don't really have much control over A-Rod's sex minigames.)
20. Running Shoes (Sonic the Hedgehog series)
Making Sonic even faster sounds great...in theory. Of course, In theory, dropping a supercharged Mustang engine into a Miata also sounds great, until you realize that the V8 completely overpowers the little Miata, destroying its handling and weight balance. Similarly, the running shoes just made Sonic too damn fast, and pretty much broke the game.
19. Klobb (GoldenEye 007, 1997)
Girls named “Bertha” aren't expected to win beauty pageants. So you know exactly what you’re going to get with a gun called the “Klobb": an underpowered POS that fired with the accuracy of a blind epileptic kid holding an armload of ping-pong balls.
18. Shuriken (Ninja Gaiden, 1988)
The normal, underpowered Shuriken wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t a waste of Spiritual Strength that should’ve been saved for the Windmill Shuriken or Wheel of Fire or ANYTHING BESIDES THAT DINKY NINJA STAR. Sidebar: Remember how Ninja Gaiden was a side-scroller? Man, we are old.
17. Excalipur (Final Fantasy series)
Wielded by either the player or Gilgamesh, this beast of a sword always hits its target. Which would be incredible, if it did more damage than 1 HP per hit. Yes, one. ONE HIT POINT. It’s like a nuclear missile made out of paper and Elmer’s Glue.
16. Needler (Halo series)
This thing is only really effective at medium range, and against one enemy. And it takes like half a clip to do so. Oh, and you can damage yourself with it. The Covenant jackass who invented this stupid thing was probably demoted to Intergalactic Janitor on his home planet of Crapulon-9.
15. Foam Finger (Dead Rising 2, 2010)
Look, we understand that a lot of the weapons in DR2 are basically jokes because they’re everyday objects. But this one has no redeemable qualities, and it can’t even be combined with other weapons to make, like, some crazy dildo/teddybear sword. It's just a foam finger. And not even an awesome foam finger like the one in Dead Space 2.
14. MAC-10 (Counter-Strike: Source, 2004)
For about the same price as an MP5, you can buy a weak MAC-10 that just dribbles out bullets in random directions and kills nothing. It's like drafting Darko Milicic ahead of Melo and Dwyane Wade, and who would—oh. Never mind.
13. M1911 (Call of Duty: Black Ops, 2010)
We’re not sure why Treyarch decided to nerf one of the best IRL handguns ever made, but witnessing its in-game impotence is almost as depressing as seeing pictures of what your favorite pornstar from the ’90s looks like now. #asingleteartracingitswaydownourcheek #pleasedontlitter
12. Speed Down (Gradius III, 1989)
It’s like trying to eat those stupid diet pills when you shouldn’t have been eating so many Angus Burgers at McDonald’s in the first place. Why the hell did you select 5,342 speed-ups in a row? Now you have to waste slots so you can speed down. This thing is just a band-aid for a lack of responsibility. #glennbeck
11. Poison Mushroom (Super Mario Bros. series)
To be fair, this is really more of a trap than a true power-up item. It can either negate your mushroom-enhanced enhancements, or just straight-up kill you if you're little Mario/Luigi. And it stays in your bloodstream for like 90 days, so don't even think about applying for a government job.
10. Heavy Weapons (Mass Effect 2, 2010)
Aside from the Collector Particle Beam, most of the heavy weapons were unimpressive: Ammo got sucked up too quickly, and most were only used against a few bosses here and there. Of course, that didn't mean it wasn't our favorite gun on the Citadel!
9. Blind (Final Fantasy series)
Using Blind was basically running up to an enemy and throwing dirt in its eye. It didn’t even work that often, and higher-level enemies just laughed and punched you in the face for pulling such a bitch move. Seriously, it's not even worth rapping about.
8. Dagger (Castlevania series)
Walking drunkenly past a dartboard at a bar might hurt a little bit, but you probably won’t even have to go the hospital unless it pokes you in the eye. Think about that before consider using the stupid little daggers in Castlevania. Unless you want to see NPCs laugh, we mean—in which case, go for it.
7. Bee in a Jar (The Legend of Zelda, 1987)
Step 1: Open jar
Step 2: Release bee
Step 3: Bee flies out
Possibility 3a: Bee stings you (60%)
Possibility 3b: Bee does nothing (30%)
Possibility 3c: Bee maybe stings an enemy (10%)
Step 4: Sit there and wonder why you even bothered
6. Claw (Prototype, 2009)
These should make you feel like Wolverine, but instead they make you feel like your dirty co-worker three cubicles down who never trims his fingernails. These things are seriously weak. And also, we're talking about your dirty co-worker. Everyone at Complex smells like rich mahogany.
5. Pistol (Wolfenstein 3D, 1992)
That moment we finally got our hands on a pistol in Wolfenstein was one of the most disappointing in mankind’s history. We were so grateful to upgrade the knife that we just started blasting away. And blasting away. And then we ran away because the damn Nazis still weren’t dead after absorbing all those rounds. WEAK.
4. Child at Heart (Fallout 3, 2008)
This helps you talk to children in the dialogue branches. We only know one individual who ever used it.
3. Giant's Knife (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, 1998)
“Giant’s Knife? OMG, yes, this must be one big-ass poweful swor—what the hell? I just hit one enemy and it shattered like my eBay replica swords?”
2. Fake Item Box (Mario Kart series)
Seriously, who the hell falls for this? Unless someone managed to place it 100% perfectly in the item box lineup, it’s not fooling anyone. Like a homeless guy suddenly pooping on the sidewalk in San Francisco, everyone just craps out the box ASAP on a random place on the track just to empty out their power-up slot.
1. Secret Boots (Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, 1997)
So these boots made Alucard...a little bit taller. That’s it. Not even an obscure LOL easter egg that came with the boots. Nothing. We’re still angry about this.
