Image via Complex Original
The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from Chris Christie's buffet etiquette to World Cup hooliganism, Indian dubstep to fuckboy hobbies on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Lululemon Men, Justin Bieber's weed dealer, fleshlight collectors, or James Dolan. You've been warned.
YO WHATS GOOD ITS YOUR BOY THE KNOWLEDGE GODDINGTON AKA THE BRONX BULLY AKA THE DELONTE WEST OF THE INTERNEST (THATS A TYPO ON PURPOSE).
YO RECENTLY I WAS DOWN IN ITALY CUZ COMPLEX SENT ME OUT THERE TO COVER SOME SHIT CALLED PITTI UOMO WHICH I ORIGINALLY WAS CONFUSED LIKE "WHY CAN'T I INTERVIEW THE GOVERNOR IN NY? ISN'T THAT MORE COST EFFECTIVE?"
JUST KIDDING! IF YOU THINK COMPLEX IS FLYING ME ANYWHERE EXCEPT OUT THE DOOR WHEN MY CONTRACT IS UP THEN YOU MUTHAFUCKAS CAN KINDLY LEAVE THE CONTACT INFO FOR YOUR WEED SUPPLIER IN THE COMMENTS ALONG WITH YOUR "DUDE THIS GUY IS TOTES BITING BIG GHOSTER BRO!!! FUCKIN WEAK DUDE!!" COMMENTARY. *LOOKS AT TV* YO REGGIE JACKSON JUST POSTERIZED KENNETH FARIED BRUH YIKES! SIDENOTE: I NEED KEVIN HARLAN TO PLAY BY PLAY MY LIFE. "MERO REACHES IN HIS POCKET…YES!!! MERO!!! WITH THE CLUTCH DOLLAR BILL IN HIS POCKET FOR A DUTCH!!! MY!!! GOODNESS!!! ANYWAYDOE. HERE'S SOME EURO SLANDER.
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OH WOW WHAT A DAINTY LITTLE SCARF FLIP THIS BALLBAG IS PERFORMING. IT'S VERY RARE TO CATCH A EURO BRO MID SCARF FLIP IT'S LIKE CATCHING YOUR LITTLE BROTHER JERKING ILLZES. I NEVER CAUGHT MY BROTHER JERKING ILLZ BUT I CAUGHT A ROOMMATE OF MINE ONCE AND THE MUHFUCKA THREW HIS LITTLE BABYCATCHING TOWEL ACROSS THE ROOM LIKE IT WAS ON FIRE. MY PAL YOU CAUGHT! THROWING THE TOWEL AWAY ISN'T GONNA BAIL YOU OUT, YOU THINK I'M A RACCOON FAM? YOU CAN'T DISTRACT ME FROM REALIZING YOU JERKING ILLZ BY THROWING AN OBJECT. ALSO SHOUTOUT TO WEIRDOS WHO JERK ILLZ WITHOUT VISUAL AIDS YOU ARE A SERIAL KILLER.
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YO WHAT IS THIS LOOK CALLED? "SEMI FORMAL GALIFIANAKIS SPORT"? "HAIRY UNCLE THAT ALWAYS TOUCHES YOUR THIGH IN A WEIRD WAY COUTURE"? THE DUDE ON THE LEFT LOOKS LIKE A DAD FROM THE '80S. I'M EXPECTING HOMIE TO JUMP OUT OF THE PICTURE AND TELL ME "THATS FRIGGIN IT! NO MORE NINTENDO BUSTER!" FUCK YOU DAD!!! *RUNS UP TO ROOM AND BLASTS BEASTIE BOYS* WHEN TWO DUDES LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE LIKE THAT I JUST IMAGINE THEM GETTING DRESSED TOGETHER WHICH IS WILD PAUSEWORTHY. LIKE BOTH OF THESE BEARDED WINGDINGS STANDING IN A ROOM TOGETHER NUDE EXCEPT FOR DRESS SOCKS TALKING ABOUT HOW MANY BLAZERS THEY GONNA WEAR AT ONCE.
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OH BOY LOOK AT THESE GUYS. AREN'T YOU FUCKIN DANDY? THE TALL ASS DUDE ON THE RIGHT IS WEARING SOME STRANGE NEW BALANCE WINGTIP HYBRID WHICH I AM NOT FEELING NOT ONE BIT BRUH. ALSO YOU ARE 7 FEET TALL AND WEARING BABY TROUSERS. EVEN THOUGH YOU LOOK LIKE JERKOFFS YOU HAVE A NICE SYNCHRONICITY GOIN ON WITH YOUR OUTF—HOLD UP WHO THE FUCK TOLD THIS ALBINO GRANDPA TO DRESS LIKE A PARAMILITARY LIBRARIAN? HE'S FUCKIN UP THE CYPHER B. GET HIM OUTTA HERE.
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WOW BRUH WHAT ARE YOU STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE AT? THE LAST TIME YOU MADE A WOMAN ORGASM? WHY ARE YOU WEARING MOTEL COUCH UPHOLSTERY AS A TRENCH COAT? WHY DO YOU APPLY JUST FOR MEN HAIRCOLOR TO YOUR DOMICILE AND NOT YOUR BEARD? I GOT ALOTTA QUESTIONS FOR YOU THAT I'M SURE YOU WON'T ANSWER BECAUSE YOU HATE BROWN PEOPLE AFTER THAT "CAGNA NERO" SNITCHED ON YOUR NUMBER ONE HOMIE BERLUSCONI.
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I CAN'T GET CAM SAYING "ILL STYLE ON YOUR NANA" OUTTA MY HEAD LOOKING AT THIS WORM B. YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE EVERY WOMAN WALKING INTO ANN TAYLOR LOFT B. YOU LOOK LIKE WHAT SOFIA LOREN IS GONNA LOOK LIKE IN 2034. YOU'RE WEARING THE SHROUD OF TURIN AS A SCARF AND YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE YOU WENT TO THE BARBER AND WAS LIKE "I WANT SOMETHING LAMP SHADISH IN NATURE, CAN YOU DO THAT? CUZ IF NOT I'LL GO SOMEWHERE ELSE." WAY TO GO MY PAL.
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LOOK AT THIS SWAGGERLESS DAD SANDWICH ON PBS DETECTIVE BREAD B. BRUH THAT IS A SUIT STRAIGHT OFF THE BACK OF A MUTHAFUCKA THAT GOT TAKEN WITH THE 49TH PICK OF THE NBA DRAFT IN LIKE 2003 B. ALL THAT SHIT IS MISSING IS LIKE 2 MORE BUTTONS. AND THESE OTHER TWO JERKOFFS LOOK LIKE THEY SOLVE SUPER BORING CRIMES IN "CUNTINGTON" OR SOME OTHER BRITISH SOUNDING TOWN.
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HEY BRO CAN YOU LIGHT MY CIGARETTE? THANKS MAN, YEAH BRO I SAW YOU WEARING A BLAZER WITH A STUPID FUCKING PATTERN AND IMMEDIATELY KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE THE GUY THAT WOULD HAVE JUST THE MONOGRAMMED ZIPPO I NEEDED TO LIGHT MY HAND ROLLED CIGARETTE. YOU KNOW? LIKE KINDRED SPIRITS SINCE I AM ALSO WEARING A BLAZER MADE OUT OF GRANDMA BLANKET TEXTILES. THANKS BRO, LETS TAKE A SELFIE OR GIVE EACH OTHER MUTUAL HJ'S
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ARE THOSE SPEAKERS IN THE BACKGROUND? ARE THEY PLAYING ZEDD "CLARITY" ON A CONSTANT LOOP? BECAUSE IF THEY AIN'T THEY SHOULD BE. THIS IS THE WINGDINGS KANYE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH. THATS WHY I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO KANYE'S COKE DEALER IS BECAUSE HIS SHIT IS SO RAW IT MAKES HIM ACTIVELY SEEK OUT DUDES WITH "NO MORE SEX" MONOGRAMMED ON THEIR LOUIS VUITTON LUGGAGE WHO WEAR JEANS WITH JON HAMM MAD MEN BLAZERS AS HANG OUT PARTNERS.
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"CAN YOU BELIEVE I ENDED UP IN THIS THING 3 TIMES IN 2 DIFFERENT CORNBALL OUTFITS?" NAH MY GUY I CAN'T. YOU LOOK LIKE A GARAGE SALE RIGHT NOW MY GUY. I ONCE DID A SIDE JOB WHERE I CLEANED OUT THE BASEMENT OF A RICH OLD WHITE COUPLE IN WESTCHESTER AND FILLED AN ENTIRE DUMPSTER WITH OLD RICH PEOPLE APPARELS. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DID A FRONT DOUBLE PIKE INTO THAT SHIT B. YOU LOOK LIKE A CARMEN SANDIEGO VILLAIN B. YOUR TWO HOMIES LOOK LIKE THEY WOULD WAIT IN LINE LIKE YOU WAITING FOR AN IPHONE TO TAKE TWO WHIFFS OF JULIAN CASABLANCAS NUTS. AND YOU'RE ALL WEARING JEGGINGS B. THIS CAN'T BE LIFE.
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WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING B? ARE YOU CARTOONS? YOU LOOK LIKE YAKUZA ACCOUNTANTS. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU KILL PEOPLE THEN SIT IN A CUBICLE AND REVIEW MY TAXES AND ASK ME IF I HAVE RECEIPTS FOR ALL MY CAB RIDES CUZ I CAN WRITE THEM OFF AS BUSINESS EXPENSES. CAN I WRITE OFF CHIPOTLE? HOMIE ON THE LEFT LOOKS LIKE ANIME DICK TRACY WHICH I GUESS IS A STRONG LOOK OR MAYBE I JUST THINK THAT BECAUSE IM STUPID HIGH.
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HOLY SHIT IM HIGH AS FUCK WOW...AHEM...YO WOW SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS MANNNN ARE YOU TROLLING? THIS MUTHAFUCKA IS TALKING INTO A SONY WALKMAN AND WEARING A DENIM JACKET UNDER A BLAZER UNDER A TRENCHCOAT? ARE YOU GONNA DO A POWERPOINT WHERE YOU BREAK OUT INTO "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE" MID PRESENTATION? NO? YOU LOOK LIKE SCOTT STORCH IF SCOTT STORCH MOVED TO MILAN TO DO SHITTY DRUGS INSTEAD OF DOING SHITTY DRUGS IN MIAMI. SIDE NOTE: GO CHECK OUT SCOTT STORCH'S INSTAGRAM. YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME.
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MAN I AM FUCKING EXHAUSTED RIGHT NOW. IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ONE MORE PATTERNED BLAZER I'M GONNA PUT SAFETY PINS IN MY FUCKING EYES B. IS THIS THE FLOPPY FEDORA FESTIVAL? CAN WE STOP DOING FEDORAS RIGHT FUCKING NOW? ONLY PEOPLE THAT SHOULD BE WEARING FEDORAS IS GUIDO BITCHES ON VACATION IN LAS VEGAS, BECAUSE HOW ELSE AM I GONNA TELL WHO IS DOWN TO BLOW ME IN THE BATHROOM AT MARQUEE?
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HOLY SHIT LOL LOOK AT THESE ITALIAN LARPERS B WHAT A RARE SPECIMEN. SO "BABY SLACKS" ARE A THING NOW? DUDES IS OUTCHEA WEARING INFANT TROUSERS? ARE YOU THAT PROUD OF YOUR SOCKS MY GUY? THESE DUDES LOOK LIKE THE PROTAGONISTS OF A "TWILIGHT"-"MAD MEN" SPINOFF. HOW YOU LOOK LIKE SHERLOCK HOLMES IF HE WAS IN "CASINO"? YOU MUTHAFUCKAS ARE OUTTA CONTROL. HERE'S A NAME YOU CAN USE "VICTARIUS SCRAMBLETON" WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A ROTHSTEIN VAMPIRE OR AN LSU CORNERBACK.