Image via Complex Original
The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from fashion to family values, algebra to defensive driving on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, Stubhub.com, the United States State Department, or amputee porn enthusiasts. You've been warned.
YO WHATS GOOD MAN ITS YOUR BOY JUMANJI SWAG AKA THE KID MERO AND I'M JUST OUT HERE OBSERVING FASHION SENSIBILITIES AND SHIT LIKE THAT AND I OFFER MY CRITIQUES BECAUSE I HAVE EXCEPTIONAL TASTE OR WHATEVER. LISTEN MAN IF YOUR COUSIN OR BROTHER OR NEPHEW ENDS UP HERE DON'T COME CRYING TO ME ABOUT IT B. JUST TELL THE LITTLE GUY TO DO BETTER. THIS IS MEANT TO BE CONSTRUCTIVE BECAUSE I AM A MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
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10
OH SO ENRIQUE IGLESIAS SON IS ILLUMINATI? LOOK AT THE SMUGNESS FACTOR OF THIS LITTLE WORMINGTONS FACIAL B. YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME YOU'RE WEARING A HASIDIC JEWISH LADIES BUTTON UP FROM ANN TAYLOR AND YOU LOOK LIKE A BABY DICK. NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A BABY DICK I DON'T CARE ABOUT NO DUDE'S DICK I MEAN LIKE LITERALLY YOU LOOK LIKE AN INFANT'S DICK. I HAVE A 5 MONTH OLD SON AND IF NEXT TIME I CHANGED HIS DIAPER I PUT A SNAPBACK ON HIS DILZ I COULD STEAL YOUR IDENTITY.
9
WOW OK. DOGGIE. THAT FACIAL EXPRESSION LETS ME KNOW THAT YOU ARE UNSURE OF THIS LOOK. THAT'S NOT A CONFIDENT EXPRESSION FAM. IF YOU ARE GONNA DRESS LIKE A DEVELOPMENTAL TOY FOR INFANTS & TODDLERS YOU GOTTA OWN IT MY PAL. YOU CAN'T JUST DEMURELY ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD WITH THAT PUSSY FACE "I GUESS MY LOOK IS "BISEXUAL HIPHOP RUBIX CUBE?" YOU GOTTA FUCKIN JUMP AT THE CAMERA AND SCREAM THAT SHIT.
8
DAMN DOG FORGET THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE A BRACELET MADE OUTTA MATCHBOX CARS YOUR NAILS LOOK LIKE YOU DUG YOURSELF OUTTA YOUR GRAVE B. CAN WE OBSERVE SOME HYGIENE OUT THIS BITCH? LEMME TELL YOU HOW YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE A DIRTBAG. IF YOU FINGER A BITCH AND SHE GETS A RAGING UTI, YOU'RE A DIRTBAG MY PAL. MY MAN RIGHT HERE NEEDS SOME HELP AND A HAT THAT ISN'T IN 3D. THOSE RINGS ARE DOPE THOUGH ITS COOL TO HAVE PRIDE IN WINNING ALL THOSE "FUCKIN VIRGIN DICKHEAD WITH A STUPID HAT" CHAMPIONSHIPS ALL THOSE YEARS.
7
JARED LETO LITTLE BROTHER IS BUGGIN B. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING MY PAL? YOU LOOK LIKE A WEST AFRICAN CHILD SOLDIER THAT MERKED A JAPANESE TOURIST FOR HIS PANTS. YOU KNOW HOW RACIST THAT IS? THIS IS A RACIST OUTFIT. ARE YOU A RACIST FAM? NO? YOU SURE? MONEY LONG LIKE SHAQ FEET RUNNIN DOPE LIKE A SPRINTER AT A TRACK MEET.
6
HAHAHA LOOK AT THIS WINGDING B. (I'M LISTENING TO GUCCI MANE - TRAP HOUSE RIGHT NOW WHICH IS A CLASSIC JOINT.) SUPREME HAT CHECK, TSHIRT WITH CAT ON IT CHECK, STREETWEAR PHONE CASE CHECK. NEVER EVEN SEEN A VAGINA BEFORE IN REAL LIFE CHECK. THEY GOTTA DO HUNGER GAMES OVER AGAIN AND HAVE THESE LITTLE HERBS BE IN IT.
5
AYE!! STUPID FRUITY SWAGGER!! OK!! YO THIS IS AN EXTREMELY INNOVATIVE GROUNDBREAKING OUTFIT RIGHT HERE B. MY GUY YOUNG JEW IS WEARING THE GUINESS WORLD RECORD BREAKING LONGEST PAIR OF JORTS ON EARTH. PEOPLES WAS NOT DOING THAT TYPE OF REVOLUTIONARY SHIT IN 05 B.
4
LOOK AT THIS GERMAN TERRORIST B. YOUR MAN LOOKS LIKE A BREAKDANCING GOTHIC NINJA THAT THROWS ROCKS AT TANKS IN BOSNIA. LMAO SON I SAID GERMAN TERRORIST IM DYING. DUDE ROCKING MY TITI SANDRA'S LINEN OLD LADY CAPRIS THO SO YOU KNOW HOMIE IS RELAXED. THOSE ARE KATE HUDSON FLOW PANTS B VERY CASUAL AIRY LOVELY FLOW. KATE HUDSON FLOW IS LIKE YOU WITH MEG RYAN ROMANTICALLY HELPING HER MAKE A SANDWICH LISTENING TO JON SECADA. VERY CHILL GREEN JUICE KALE SALAD FLOW.
3
THIS BEING LOOKS LIKE A PEDICAB DRIVER FROM A DYSTOPIAN FUTURE WHERE KANYE IS EARTH LORD. THIS CREATURE LOOKS LIKE HE'S KIDDING. YA BOY OUT HERE IN THE STREETS WEARING INFANT STYLE BOOTS B. THOSE ARE STRAIGHT OFF THE RACK AT BABY GAP MY PAL. YOUR FEET ARE CURRENTLY SPORTING COZY WOZY BOOTIE WOOTIES MY GUY. WHAT'S REALLY GOOD?
2
NOT MAD AT THE 3 6 SHIRT. 3 6 MAFIA IS WHAT I AS A SERIOUS JOURNALIST CALL "SEMINAL" WHICH MEANS "VERY POPPING" GO LISTEN TO "WHO RUN IT" AND TRY NOT TO PUNCH ANOTHER HUMAN IN THE FACIAL BET YOU CAN'T. THESE CHILDRENS OUTFITS ARENT THAT BAD BUT HOW OLD ARE YOU MY GUYS? ARE YOU EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO STAND IN LINE AT SUPREME FOR A WOOLEN CAP?
1
WOW B THIS LITTLE DUDE IS A "PUSSY N***A"? LOL FAM YOU DO UNDERSTAND THAT IF IM WALKIN DOWN FORDHAM TOWARDS JEROME AND YOU WALKIN TOWARDS THE BLVD YOU ARE WEARING A GLOWING WHITE SIGN THAT SAYS "PUSSY N***A" RIGHT? YEAH I KNOW IT SAYS "EATER" ON THE BACK BUT I'LL NEVER KNOW THAT CUZ I'M NOT LOOKIN BACK I'M JUST TWEETING ABOUT THE SHIT CHORTLING.