Image via Complex Original
1.
Recently it came to my attention that “Blurred Lines,” the Robin Thicke single featuring T.I. and an ageless Pharrell, reached #1 on the Billboard charts. This isn’t surprising—the song is a good, easy summer jam that I would definitely listen to after I chugged a beer on a rooftop somewhere and tried to make out with someone. It also helps that Billboard’s new charting structure takes into consideration the number of plays on YouTube and “Blurred Lines” has a buzzy, uncensored video complete with topless dancers riding bikes and gingerly grinding on the son of the dad from Growing Pains. Sounds sexy, right?
Well...sort of. Unfortunately, “Blurred Lines” falls into a long list of music videos that tried really hard to be sexy, but ultimately fell flat, sliding awkwardly into the categories of sad, ill-advised, or worst of all, really fucking creepy. Let’s review some more of the Least Sexy Sexy Music Videos of All Time.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
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Robin Thicke feat. Pharrell & T.I., "Blurred Lines"
In theory, “Blurred Lines” should be a sexy video. It’s got naked girls, it’s got a danceable song that said naked girls can easily dance to, it’s got…well, no, that’s about all the sexy it’s got. Which would have been fine, except that it’s also got a girl riding what appears to be a palsied stuffed dog. And an unsettlingly large baby goat. And hashtags. And T.I. brushing a model’s hair like a creep. And a giant hypodermic needle. And awful, arrhythmic dancing. No, not even arrhythmic dancing. Anti-rhythmic dancing. Most damningly, though, the video has Robin Thicke. If you haven’t watched this video before, let me tell you this: Robin Thicke looking directly into the camera while eating an ice cream cone will haunt your dreams for the rest of your God-given life.
4.miley
I can’t stop thinking about how yesterday you were on the Disney Channel and now you have visible camel toe and a friend with smoke coming out of her vagina.
5.davidbanner
Erstwhile rapper David Banner—or as Wikipedia calls him, “American rapper, record producer, and occasional actor”—made a few mistakes. The first was ever adopting the stage name David Banner when his real name is Lavell Crump. The second was greenlighting whoever was in charge of applying fake perspiration on the models in his “Play” video. It’s not a subtle, glistening glow. It’s full-on, upper lip flop sweat. His biggest error, though, was his attempt at a “lustful gaze” that veered off course and landed instead on “murderous, crazy-eyed glare.” Crump should have probably fired his occasional acting coach.
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Katy Perry, "California Gurls"
Maybe the music video for “California Gurls” is meant to be funny and not really sexy, what with the CG gingerbread men and gummy bears running around. But Katy is definitely trying pretty hard to entice when she lounges naked on a pink cloud and attempts to dance seductively. The clip climaxes with her ejaculating whipped cream from her boobs, which if you really think about it, is enough to turn this teenage dream into a teenage sexual nightmare.
7.xxxtina
Speaking of personal lubricant, Xtina really went for it in her “Dirrty” clip. Not trying to rock the societal boat too much here, but who decided that greasy people were sexy? The clean-up alone after a romp with Christina is going to put a dent in your wallet, for sure. And that’s not even figuring in the cost of your tetanus shot.
8.blackeyed
Remember this song? Remember this video? Both include the phrase “lovely lady lumps.”
9.prince
This music video begins in a train station café in which Prince licks cream off of a lady’s finger while breakdancers and other patrons look on. Everyone gets aroused. So aroused, in fact, that they perform an elaborate dance routine on the set of In Living Color. Yeah, it’s not really how I thought this one was going to pan out either.
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Color Me Badd, "I Wanna Sex You Up"
After watching this video, I’ve concluded that no one from Color Me Badd has ever sexed anyone up. Or down or left or right or anywhere. But that lady security guard towards the end most definitely has.
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Michael Jackson, "In The Closet"
I’m not even going to make the obvious joke about Michael Jackson recording a song called “In the Closet”. Instead, I’m going to walk you through the concept for this six minute long video. We open with a voiceover from Princess Stephanie of Monaco (???), the MJ and Naomi Campbell go to a sepia-toned desert, stand in front of what looks to be a recreation of the Alamo and writhe around. A shot of them cavorting on top of some sort of spinning apparatus is partially blocked by a cow. Naomi lingers near Jackson’s crotch in relief, while MJ shows off his hairless underarms. MJ reverse humps a wall. Naomi regular humps a piece of wood that 100% has a shit ton of splinters. Not turned off yet? How about Jackson singing this stanza: “Just promise me whatever we say or do to each other for now we'll make a vow to just keep it in the closet.” How about we keep it behind bars for 25 to life? Mamase, mamasa, make my skin crawl!