Image via Complex Original
1.
Sure, 2014 is half a month old and you’ve probably moved on from 2013 already. But I’m not done with 2013 yet! We may have discovered 40 billion habitable planets in our galaxy with possible signs of life last year, greatly upping the chances that I won’t die alone, but there is still so much we don’t know. For example, does Justin Bieber know what pants are supposed to look like? Does Miley Cyrus know what shirts are supposed to look like? Who gives a shit? See what I mean? Not so fast, 2013! I have some more lingering questions for you.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
2.questions
3.adamdriver
What is Adam Driver doing here?
With a regular role on Girls supported by parts in movies directed by Steven Spielberg and the Coen brothers, Adam Driver has an IMDB profile that must be the envy of many young actors in Hollywood. But do you know what he does not have? An ounce of charisma. It’s as though the two least charismatic people in the world—Kim Jong Un and Minka Kelly—had a baby who decided to follow in his mother’s footsteps and grace the screens both small and silver with his non-precense. I’m sure he’s a really nice guy, though.
4.tydollasing
Is Ty Dolla Sign just paranoid?
One of the great mysteries of last year involves America’s newest multi-hyphenate (singer-rapper-weed smoker), Ty Dolla Sign. To be fair, there are many aspects of Mr. Dolla Sign's oeuvre that remain shrouded in mystery. I would love to one day uncover the secrets of the origin of the song "Toot It and Boot It", for example. But most compelling is the saga Tyrone Griffin unspools on his biggest hit to date, "Paranoid"
Our hero arrives at a discothèque for a night of fun and merrymaking, only to find that not one, but two of his love interests are already there. If Ty were an Italian politician, this would be cause for celebration. But, he is not, so this is cause for deep concern. Is it a simple coincidence or are these two women conspiring against him in an elaborate set-up not unlike the plot of forthcoming major motion picture The Other Woman, starring Kate Upton? Our clues are few and far between. Ty knows that these women know each other, but how he knows this is unclear. Do they go to the same Bible study? Are they connected on LinkedIn? I can’t tell you because the song ends! What happens, Ty? Were they seeking revenge against you because they both drive Range Rovers and neither can stay over? Do they resent that you got them the same damn fragrance? Was said fragrance Minajesty?!?!
These are the things that keep me up at night, Ty Dolla Sign. Don’t leave me hanging.
5.Bitcoin
Bitcoins?
Like most things that come from the Internet, I kind of know what Bitcoins are, but I also kind of don’t know what Bitcoins are. Either way, I hope they catch on because they seem hilarious and they provide rappers struggling to find a place to put a dollar sign in their name with a whole new world of possibilities (see: Ty Bitcoin Sign).
6.art
Is art kind of annoying now?
Blame Marina Abramovic. Ever since the artist’s retrospective at the MoMA a few years back drew massive crowds, it seems there's been an exhibit every few months that brings hordes of people to galleries and museums across the city. Lines circle city blocks, begging the question of whether or not these people who love art so much also love having a job? I cannot feasibly devote four to eight hours of my day to standing behind some sociopath who can’t wait to take a selfie in the Yayoi Kusama infinity room. All these people liking art makes me hate art. Isn’t there a cronut you should be lining up for somewhere?
7.cronut
Speaking of which, can you fucking believe people still care about cronuts?
In 2013, people loved cronuts more than I love anything. As far as we’ve come as a people, we still apparently have room in our complex social order for grown adults acting like retainer-laden, tweenage girls losing their shit at a One Direction concert. And all over a pastry. And it’s still happening! Just the other day, I walked by some place in SoHo that was selling cronuts and there was a line of at least 30 people outside. First of all, let’s be honest: A croissant is a mediocre pastry at best, so it’s very confusing to me that people don’t seem to understand that when you mix something delicious, like a donut, with something mediocre, like a croissant, it doesn’t create something extra delicious. The deliciousness has, in fact, been reduced. Should I start taking ice cold beer, adding room temperature water to it and selling it to lemmings across this city as the newest craze in beverages, called "Beeter"? Or take a twenty-year-old and make her sing Mariah Carey songs and call her Ariana Grande? DO BETTER IN 2014, AMERICA!
8.beentrill
Have I been trill enough this year?
I think I’d really like to be more trill in 2014. In an effort to increase my general trillness, I’m going to iron letters onto shirts of mediocre quality and sell them to teenagers, while actually selling an unattainable lifestyle perpetuated on Instagram and by hitching my trill wagon to my conveniently famous trill friend. Maybe I'll even use hashtags in a nonsensical way too, but that’s some really advanced trillness. I should probably take some baby trill steps first. Please check in with me at this time next year to see if my 2014 has, indeed, been trill.
9.justin
Do we really want Justin Timberlake to be a musician again?
Dear Justin,
Over the course of your illustrious career, you have received an Emmy, a bunch of Grammys and a tweet from me every time "Rock Your Body" played on my iPhone. Sometimes I just wanted to talk, but mostly I wanted to ask you to stop making movies and start making music again. And in 2013, you finally listened! But just as I was about to do a victory lap to a mega mix of the FutureSex/LoveSounds outros, I listened to your latest, The 20/20 Experience. Well, I started to listen to it, but it was long and boring and I fell asleep. I was willing to look past the awful title, since all of your albums have awful titles. I was even willing to look past the unfortunately named "Take Back the Night" because you didn’t go to college and therefore probably didn’t know that’s the name of a support program for victims of sexual assault. But I can’t look past the fact that this was not the Justin Timberlake album that I wanted. Fine, it was a best-seller, but that means nothing (see: my earlier item on cronuts).
In closing, I would like to request that you kiss Jessica Biel goodbye on the cheek or whatever you want us to believe you two do together, call up Timbaland, and head back into the studio to try again. You can do it. I believe in you, Justin—as much as you believe in wearing fedoras in the present day.
Thank you,
Steve
10.mensweardogevis
Will we ever speak proper English again?
Or are we all just sus fuccbois riding a surfbort in a doge eat doge world? Thx, Interwebz!