Image via Complex Original
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Hey, in case you haven’t heard, it’s November, or as some people call it, Movember. And although “Movember” sounds like a nickname for Bravo’s late fall programming schedule, it’s actually meant to allude to people growing mustaches…for prostate cancer research? I’m still not clear on how that all came to be, but nevertheless people are talking about facial hair. And prostates, I guess. But mostly facial hair.
So why not use this as an opportunity to check in with some guys who know beards and ‘staches better than most: Jeff Raider and Andy Katz-Mayfield of men’s grooming brand Harry’s. Raider and Katz-Mayfield, who just opened the first Harry’s barbershop in New York, took a look at some of history’s most glorious cookie dusters and flavor savers and chose their favorites in the hopes of pointing us in the right direction this month. Strap in for their "who grew it best?" picks and get ready for the mustache ride of a lifetime.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
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Rick Ross vs. The Lorax
There’s a clear winner in our first matchup, between the rap game Horton Hears a Who and the hairiest, most self-righteous environmentalist not currently enrolled at Oberlin.
“The Lorax,” according to Andy. “Ross would actually need to be hustlin’ every day to ever grow anything like that.”
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Rollie Fingers vs. Salvador Dali
The godfather of Surrealism couldn’t quite edge past the legendary MLB pitcher. Says Jeff, “The guy brought facial hair we hadn’t seen since the early days of baseball back, and pitched in the 'Hairs vs Squares' game against the Cincinnati Reds in '72. Now you see facial hair all the time in baseball–look at the guys who just won the World Series.”
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Chuck Norris vs. Santa Claus
Jeff: "Do you know why Santa’s beard is white?"
Andy: "Because Chuck Norris scared the crap out of it."
Jeff: "Chuck wins here."
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Ghandi vs. Alex Trebek
Both have legions of devoted followers. Both forced a nation to ask tough questions. Both wear an adult diaper. But the Harry’s guys only have eyes for Mahatma.
“Ghandi’s mustache was a living representation of courage, sacrifice and determination. Trebek (while probably a great guy) hosts a game show. Think Ghandi takes this one.”
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Wyatt Earp vs. John Waters
In a battle of extremes, we have the famed director’s pencil thin creep 'stache pitted against what most closely resembles a dead sea otter.
Jeff: "Wyatt Earp was good with a gun, but better with mustache wax. Have you seen that thing? Earp by a long shot."
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Mike Ditka vs. Joseph Stalin
Iron fists and strong lip brows abound among these lifelong mustache devotees.
Andy: "Man, that’s a close one. Ditka’s George Jung sunglasses put him over the top. He just had a better look."
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Gengis Khan vs. Hulk Hogan
Maybe this is an unfair pairing, since we have no photographs of Khan to truly judge the majesty of his legendary beard. I guess we’ll just have to destroy every copy of Hogan Knows Best in existence to begin to even the playing field. What do you say, Harry’s?
Jeff: "Khan roamed with Mongolian hoards and conquered all in his path. He was a fearless warrior, leader and even ravaged a shopping mall in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. All the Hulkster really did was conceive Brooke Hogan."
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Prince vs. Albert Einstein
Whoa, calm down ladies–I know this is the sexy round, but we’ve got a job to do here.
Let Jeff and Andy guide you: “Einstein used to have a closet full of the same outfit so he could occupy his mind with the mysteries of the universe. Prince has never worn the same outfit twice. Luckily, we’re not talking about style here. Einstein wins.”
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Dr. Phil vs. Freeway
Could it be that Oprah’s third favorite doctor (after Oz and Feelgood) and the erstwhile Philly rapper are the perfect complement to one another’s signature grooming choice? I’d venture to say yes. Still, a king must be crowned.
Andy: "Ha! Freeway’s “What We Do” beard may be the best beard ever in hip-hop."
Apparently, you don't even need a 'stache to Broad Street bully Movember into submission.
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Ron Jeremy vs. Ron Burgundy vs. Ron Swanson
Andy and Jeff let the Anchorman himself settle this race.
“With great mustache comes great responsibility." – Ron Burgundy
We have a winner.