Image via Complex Original
1.
I think it was Aesop of Aesop’s Fables fame who said that if at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again. Well, it was either Aesop or Aaliyah—I often get them confused. In any case, a while back, our esteemed EIC emailed me to ask me to write an admittedly dumb, but entertaining piece entitled “10 Purchases That Let Everyone Know You Have a Small Penis”. I opted out at the time because I envisioned people leaving comments like, “Sounds like you’re the one with the small dick, AMIRITE LADIES?” or “tl;dr,” which I tend to get a lot and only just recently found out didn’t mean “true love; dateme realquick.”
But here I am, finally following through on the original request. So, let that be a lesson to you people out there with tiny johnsons. Just because you don’t get what you want in life the first time around, if you ask again, you just might get it. I mean, probably not in your case, but at least you’ve got a positive outlook. With that said, let's talk overcompensation.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
2.tinydicklead
3.monstertruck
A Giant Truck/Giant Motorcycle/Ridiculous Sportscar
The founding members of the classic Small Peen Circle of Shame–along with pitbulls, T-shirts with fire on them and grills big enough to char a whole cow–have proven that, like taking cheap shots at people on the Internet (hey there!), some things never die. Now rev that engine on your crotch rocket in the exact way you fail to rev the metaphorical engine of your lover and ride away fast enough to dry your tears!
4.vespa
A Vespa
We’ll give our European brethren a pass on this one since they’ve had a rough go of it lately, what with The Red Wedding and all. But much like a Speedo, Robbie Williams and surrendering at war, certain things are meant to stay in Europe. One could make the argument that riding around on a Vespa Stateside takes a man of supreme confidence. However, one could also make the argument that riding around on a Vespa Stateside takes a man who has come to terms with his lot in life and just wants to lay it all out there on a very small corner of the table.
5.sunglasses
Nighttime Sunglasses
Are you a mysterious lothario out on the prowl for a new lover or are you masking the bags beneath your eyes from countless sleepless nights spent wondering what went wrong genealogically? The latter, man. We all know you’re the latter.
6.hammer
Hammer Pants
I’m talking to you, Will.i.am! Nobody likes hammer pants that much! I’m onto you and your trompe-l'œil pantaloon tactics!
7.boost
A Boost Mobile Pre-Paid Cellphone
Just all-around not doing it for anyone.
8.snake
A Pet Snake
As far as living vicariously goes, this is probably right above an overbearing stage mother and just below Will and Jaden Smith in After Earth. It seems we all want what we can’t have in this Willennium.
9.showertool
Bro, you’re so manly that even your loofah looks like a power tool. It’s called a "Detailer" because your body is a fine-tuned machine like your car. Except it’s a delicate car that needs two types of brushes, one for scrubbing “extra dirty areas” and a softer one for “sensitive” areas. Heaven forbid you get irritated by a sponge.
10.buble
Michael Buble Tickets And/Or Pay Per View Porn
Ways to describe both:
a.) Sad
b.) Dark
c.) Desperate
d.) Depressing
e.) Weird when you find out old people have seen more than one
f.) 59 minutes longer than they need to be
11.NRA
A Pledge To Join The NRA
Talk about unimpressive members.
12.penispump
A Penis Pump
By definition, you’re telling people a lot about your penis if you buy a penis pump. I wonder how people feel when they slide a penis pump across the counter for the cashier to scan and bag. Is it like the time I bought Justin Timberlake’s Justified at Sam Goody and told the checkout girl I was buying it for my (nonexistent) sister? And then I sensed that she felt I was lying, so I made an elaborate story about how it was a gift for my fake sister’s birthday and for that reason I was going to hide the album in my car? Maybe even hide it in my car stereo? And then to compensate, I asked when the new Slayer album was coming out, because apparently my reference for “manly” music begins and ends with late '80s/early '90s thrash metal bands? Yes, buying a penis pump is probably just like buying Justified.