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What a year, you guys, am I right? So much happened. It started in January and went all the way to December. We had some news stories and some people died and other people were born. What thrills. It’s all a little bit overwhelming, you know, all the stuff that happened this year. So, here’s a list to help you recall all of the BEST things of 2013. I think you’ll like it.
Steve Dool is a writer based in New York City. Follow him on Twitter.
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3.best20131
Best Haircut To Look At While Stoned: Rihanna’s Mayan-Bowl-Cut-Mullet-Rat-Tail Hybrid
I don’t really smoke, but seeing this made me want to. It’s like she went to a mall in Delaware in 1991 and said, “I’ll have what everyone’s having."
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Best Thing To Laugh At In A Doctor's Office Waiting Room: Adam Levine, People's Sexiest Man Alive
Ah, my old friend Adam Levine, he of the shark tattoo and a song about how he dances like the far superior front man of another band—which, btw, is like saying you hold a pen the same way as Hemingway when you sign the check at Applebee’s, so congratulations.
This year People named him the Sexiest Man Alive, because apparently everyone else died. See, every sexy man is dead and just Bruce Willising around with their respective Haley Joel Osments, so Adam Levine got his cover. The same Adam Levine, who has a fragrance named "Adam Levine"? Cool. Just checking.
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Best Men's Fashion Trend That Never Was: He-Yonce
It’s really too bad this never took off because Opening Ceremony is sitting on a shit ton of sequined leotards with a generous crotch right now.
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Best Thing To Ignore So Maybe It Will Go Away: Google Glass
Are we so lazy that we’re in need of receiving information without even using our hands? Without even moving our heads? Also: So dorky. IGNORE.
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Best Movie That Maybe Wasn't Actually That Good: Gravity
Can we talk about this for a minute? By this, I mean the fact that I waited in line at the Williamsburg Cinemas (!!!!!!!) to see this movie and ate an entire tray of pretzel bites before I even got into the theater because so many people lined up to watch 90 incredibly stressful minutes of Sandra Bullock floating. By this, I mean that George Clooney is an incredibly bankable star by exclusively playing variations of himself, in this case George Clooney in Space. By this, I mean how much you wanted to kill that Mongolian guy on the radio who can’t understand the GRAVITY of the situation when Sandy and her Janet Reno haircut were about to die all alone in the deafening silence of outer space. By this, I mean that this movie was literally my worst nightmare played out before my eyes and I voluntarily paid $18 to watch it in 3D and almost puked once. But, hey, what a technical marvel.
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Best Movie That Was Almost Ruined By Brad Pitt: 12 Years A Slave
“Get out of here, Brad Pitt, as benevolent flaxen-haired Canadian,” is how I began the letter I composed to Brad Pitt in my mind after watching him distract everyone with his general presence during a pivotal moment in this otherwise great film. I even wrote “c/o REALLY POOR ORPHANAGE” on the return address to make sure somebody at that house at least opened it.
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Best iPhone Autocorrect: “Katniss” to “Latinas”
That would have been a different (better?) movie.
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Best Thing To Hypocritically Hate: Selfies
When the entirety of Instagram is based on a system of garnering "likes" for photos you’ve taken, it should come as no surprise to anyone that the vanity of it all sometimes leads people to post photos of themselves. Yes, there are not a lot of people whose face I want to see daily on my phone and if I did, I would just surreptitiously take a photo of them the next time I saw them and then keep it on my phone forever and email it to myself in case I lost my phone, like a normal person. But you have to admit there is something very satisfying about looking at your filtered self and sharing it for all the world to see. You know you like it. So just do it and we can all complain about you in private while simultaneously uploading a photo of ourselves. #nofilter for this mug though, baby.
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Best Thing To Justifiably Hate: Russia, I Guess
I mean, everybody else is doing it. Whatever. You can always hate season 3 of Homeland instead if you’d prefer.
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Best Thing To Do All Year: Drink Beers And Sleep
Same as every year, duh.