The 2014 World Cup is less than a month away and only one in three Americans plan on tuning into the biggest sporting event on the planet. That means 66% of you will be relegated to watching inconsequential summer baseball while literally the entire universe will be transfixed on 32 countries battling it out for a lifetime of glory and riches.
But if you’re late to the party they refer to as “the beautiful game” and aren’t wasting precious hours of your life playing FIFA 14, this guide will help you select a team based on the only thing that’s important to you: clothes, dawg. Read on for A Guide to Choosing a World Cup Team to Root for According To Their Kits.
The 2014 World Cup is less than a month away and only one in three Americans plan on tuning into the biggest sporting event on the planet. That means 66% of you will be relegated to watching inconsequential summer baseball while literally the entire universe will be transfixed on 32 countries battling it out for a lifetime of glory and riches.
But if you’re late to the party they refer to as “the beautiful game” and aren’t wasting precious hours of your life playing FIFA 14, this guide will help you select a team based on the only thing that’s important to you: clothes, dawg. Read on for A Guide to Choosing a World Cup Team to Root for According To Their Kits.
South Korea
Nike can do no wrong this World Cup. Both South Korean kits have tabbed collars and shoulder bands to round out an elegant and clean look. It's been 12 years since South Korea's very controversial fourth place finish, and it doesn't look like they'll best that result this year. Even though they've got an "easy" path to the knockout stage, they might still be paying off the deal with the football gods for that 2002 run.
Number of FIFA refs fired from 2002 World Cup incident: Two.
Russia
Russia scored. They got the Winter Olympics this year and the World Cup in 2018. Even if Mother Russia doesn't make it out of their group, they are guaranteed a spot in the next WC, being the host nation. Imagine throwing a party and automatically scoring a thot piece, just because you've got a roommate who's never home. That's basically Russia. They get to walk around naked, leave dirty dishes in the sink and not share the DVR with anyone because they live alone.
Number of fan fics of the film Air Force One: Two. That's a huge miss. Get a Russia jersey, just so you can pen a story about the Russian soccer federation taking revenge on Harrison Ford by stealing all of their World Cup bids from now until the end of time.
Belgium
Belgium is on the World Cup come up. You ain't shit in the soccer fan world if you're not riding Belgium just a little bit to make a run at this World Cup. The huge Belgian crown in-lay is a bit Affliction-tee-esque, but mainly on the red shirt. The Belgians have a handful of Premier League stars all looking to try and make a deep run for their country.
Miles you can cycle in your new Belgium cycling shirt: 50. But make sure you're logging all them routes on Strava.com.
Algeria
The Algerian kits look vaguely reminiscent of the soccer jerseys made by that one store on Lafayette in NYC. You know the one. Both Algeria shirts are fairly minimalist, but have subtle accents that take it over the edge. The cuffed color blocking on the sleeve and the Arabic in the heart side logo easily make it look like it could be a Puma x Supreme drop.
Worse riot: SoHo Foamposite madness vs. Landon Donovan late goal against Algeria in 2010: That's a tough one. NYC hypebeasts vs self-righteous American soccer fans? Calling it a draw.
USA
The home jersey looks like something you'd buy in an airport terminal Hudson News kiosk. It will certainly hold down the Dadvertising fort if you're into pleated Orvis khakis. On the other hand, the away jersey is a magnificent culmination of the team that Jurgen created from his bare hands—a team that will defy all expectations by emerging from the group of death unscathed. A team that will finally establish the United States as a legit international soccer contender, while inspiring a new generation of American athletic youth to world class soccer aspirations. The second best thing about the away jersey is that in the 2015 Women's World Cup, Alex Morgan, a.k.a. end game wifey, will be sporting the firecracker popsicle inspired jersey as she follows Abby Wambach, Megan Rapinoe and Sydney Leroux to 2011 redemption.
Population of Bummer Town on June 26, 2014 when the USMNT goes D/L/L in group play: 314 million.
Portugal
The red brings out Cristiano Ronaldo's eyes. The white frames Cristiano Ronaldo's athletic silhouette. The staggered stripes match his strapping jawline. The four-point crest represents Cristiano Ronaldo's left foot, his right foot, his header and his abdomen. The 1914-2014 represents the 100 years of anticipation of Cristiano Ronaldo's third World Cup. The collar tabs represent Cristiano Ronaldo sliding up in your girl's DMs, hanging out there for a bit, giving her his Netflix password and then going home and crying because he realizes that there is literally no other human being capable of matching his charismatic prowess. He wins the World Cup, leaves Real Madrid, signs with NYCFC and ushers in a new era of American domestic league soccer superiority. The End.
Number of heart-eyed emojis Ronaldo averages per selfie: 200 million.
Number of active Instagram users: 200 million.
Ghana
GHANA. ALWAYS GHANA. WHY GHANA?! If you pick Ghana you will be a walking heartbreaker. A crusher of dreams. A pulverizer of purpose. We wasted all the good Dempsey/Donovan years on playing you Ghana! For real though, both Ghana kits are dope, with the Kente collar print one of the best homages to country of all the World Cup shirts.
Weeks of studying abroad in Ghana before you can earn a legit fan card: 12.5 for a replica jersey. 24 to justify an authentic one.
Germany
The German National team is everything you think a soccer team from Germany would be. Technical. Considered. Efficient. Watching them on the pitch is like stepping into a rare Dieter Rams designed living room. The German away is a henley and comes sans collar with three buttons. So. Sick. It has a ton of wearability and Germany will most likely make a very deep run in the World Cup.
TV character the German team is most like: Gustavo Fring from Breaking Bad. To the uninformed Mesut Özil looks like a muppet who manages a German currywurst franchise. But those who really know him know that at night, he turns into an underworld goal scoring kingpin, who manages the game with pinpoint meticulousness, making sure he controls every single inch of the pitch.
Nigeria
John Mikel Obi has been locked up since Lord Josemort has returned to Chelsea. Mikel will have added pressure to not only get Nigeria out of group play, but also making sure his form is on display, as it'll be an audition to whatever team buys him for the grasp of the Darth Mourinho. The Super Eagles of Nigeria will be sporting an all-green home jersey and a pretty boring white away kit.
More than three wears this summer? They'll be fighting tooth and nail with Bosnia-Herzegovina and Iran for that second spot.
Iran
Iran only lost two games during their qualifications to Brazil. Even though the country only has one World Cup victory in their history, they're trying to secure the second spot in a manageable Group F. Their jerseys feature a silhouette of an Asiatic cheetah, an animal they're trying to raise conservation awareness for. Both shirts are a pretty skrong look with most streetwear alphets.
Reason why the cheetah looks so surprised: Impressed that his team only allowed two goals through eight matches during AFC qualifications.
Bosnia-Herzegovina
Bosnian fans resent Cristiano Ronaldo so much they regularly chant, "Messi! Messi!" when he arrives at airports. CR7 has broken the heart of young Bosnia-Herzegovina twice in the past four years with utterly ridiculous goals. This is the first World Cup for the country and if you side with them now, you can officially claim OVO BH #started, if they make it to the round of 16.
5 a.m. in Sarajevo: "That's why every goal sound like Dzeko featuring Dzeko."
Argentina
There once was a young boy named Lionel. He dreamed of being a world famous soccer player. At 11, he was diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency, but his mother slept with the recruiter for FC Barcelona and they took him under their stead. In Lionel's youth he taught Elvis how to dance, became an All-American running back for Alabama, bravely fought in the Vietnam War, whistle blew Watergate, and started his own shrimping boat company. During the war, he befriended a Lieutenant named Sergio Aguero and together they invested in a small software company called Apple. They have now focused on bringing a World Cup back home to Argentina while wearing incredible jerseys.
Tears shed for Argentina if Lionel Messi succeeds: At least 42 million, give or take the average length of crying of an individual Argentine.
Ecuador
Steve Aoki was recently seen doing a set in the yellow Ecuador shirt. Steve Aoki is also about to inherit his father's Benihana money, along with his sister Devon Aoki. Speaking of the The Fast and Furious franchise, those films are solely responsible for one of the most insightful sports related quotes of all time: "It doesn't matter whether you win by an inch or mile. Winning is winning." -Dominic Toretto. Ecuador.
Everyday uses for the winning is winning quote: From video games to having a better alphet, let no man stand in the way of you flexing every single victory you can, regardless of the margin.
Switzerland
The blogosphere is a dangerous place. Anytime you bring passion to anything, you're automatically opening yourself up for some heinous trolling. Sometimes, it's better to just do as the Swiss do and keep it neutral. Being a Switzerland fan means you can play the middle ground and practice indifference and apathy. Sports are better that way. No more crying yourself to sleep, waking up in a cold sweat because your team couldn't convert penalties.
Things they should add to a Swiss Army Knife:
1. WedMD widget so you can self-diagnose yourself with Polio every time you have a headache.
2. Slot to hold quarters (for laundry, the bus, or major life decisions).
3. Lip balm to sooth and moisturize them crusty crusts.
Honduras
JOMA PUT A QR CODE ON THE HONDURAS KITS, just in case Olivier Giroud wants to take a break from his wanking celebrations to purchase a replica Honduras shirt. The Central American country has a tough road ahead to get out of Group E and their antiquated e-commerce tactics certainly aren't helping.
Chances Honduras can win their first World Cup final game: Their coach, Luis Fernando Suarez, once coached Ecuador to a victory over Poland, and that stands as their best shot for three points against his old team. On paper, it doesn't look like they can get results from the other teams in their group.
France
Every single one of Nike's World Cup shirts hit the mark. Simple and elegant, their emphasis on less really brings out each country's heritage and values. In this case, the French kits keep it très clean, something you'd expect from the home of A.P.C. and Pigalle. The striped away kit is something that you could pair with Petit New Standards without missing a beat and not looking like a straight fan boy.
Instances when you can inject "très" in casual conversation: None. Zero. Sorry about that up there.
Uruguay
Bet your hand that this is a really crisp look for Uruguay. Gotta hand it to Puma on this one; it really let the tradition shine and didn't let its designers get out of hand. If you're going to jump on the Uruguay hand wagon band wagon, you can be confident that the squad will handle their business in group play. No guarantee that each jersey will give you 19 abs as pictured above.
Google hits for "fuck luis suarez": 9,920. Expect that number to increase as he recently insisted his "future was with Liverpool," which roughly translates to Real Madrid definitely buying Suarez for 100 million euros after Liverpool handed Premier League to Manchester City. HAND OF GOD? #SUAREZSHRUG
Italy
The Italy kits are dope for two reasons. The first is the curved vertical line from the chest to the hip that enhances whatever Crossfit/Pilates/Zumba workout you copped on Groupon. The second is for rocking embellished boot cut jeans with next level pocket detailing and studs. This look is good for no one unless you're Andrea "The Maestro/THE GAWD" Pirlo and you own a private wine cellar and you got a Rari, in which case you wouldn't be reading Complex.
Over/under Balotelli yellow cards: 3. Definitely going with under because Balo's got a lot to prove for his country and there's no way the Italian veterans let him get away with his dart throwing temper tantrums.
England
Nike went in and came out with the cleanest design in the tournament for The Three Lions. Being a fan of England comes with a pretty low barrier of entry. They speak English, their domestic league games are always on TV in the states, and they've got a roster of young, good looking dudes with great haircuts. You won't go wrong picking a team made up of Jack Wilshere, Theo Walcott, Daniel Sturridge and Danny Welbeck. The unfortunate news is that they're perennial underachievers on the World Cup stage.
Ease of matching jerseys to summer's usual rotation: Simple. Solid colors with a nice silhouette can be thrown over joggers and Js and allow you to not look like an ultra fan boy.
Costa Rica
Going to theme parties are always tough. Chief anxiety comes from how you're actually going to procure a wild "Game of Thrones" costume from old Halloween outfits and your Lululemon leggings. Then even if you cop that proper Seven Kingdoms swag, what if no one dresses up?! What if you're the only #hodorcore one there? And what if you have to go out to the bars after that? That kind of crippling anxiety is the main reason it's sometimes wise to just not fuck with Halloween. This is also the reason you shouldn't floss this Costa Rica gear because, you'll look hella awk with that swoop highlighting the nipplage when you have to go to bars after they get pummeled by Italy.
Attention drawn to the uni's mono-nipple: A hundred thousand trillion.
Japan
Japan's kits feature a slight overlay of the rising sun on the chest of the shirt that supporters are calling "Samurai Blue." All the adidas kits feature its climacool technology which keep you cool as you get down on a Kurosawa marathon weekend. If you've only seen Seven Samurai, do yourself a favor and peep Throne of Blood and Rashomon, both Criterion releases, so you can gain some serious cool points with that film studies bro who you can never seem to get on the same schedule with and occasionally text, "Dude, we have to hang out soon." Also, Pikachu is the official mascot of the team. Also, don't expect too much. Hence the Kurosawa recs.
What the Pokemon you picked first says about you:
Charmander - You played lacrosse in high school.
Squirtle - You listened to a lot of Atmosphere in high school.
Bulbasaur - You'd be a Hufflepuff at Hogwarts.
Ivory Coast
The way Puma models its jerseys make them look more like a base layer than anything, which has become exponentially cooler than it was in the '90s. Wearing a long sleeve shirt under your short sleeve shirt was a pretty strong move in middle school and it allowed you to really represent if you were #TeamFlameboy or #TeamWetwilly. Bonus points if you could actually land a kickflip on an actual skateboard and not just a Tech Deck.
Likelihood you choose to root for this team because of how fun it is to yell "YAYA!" and not because of its emergence from a decade-long political crisis: V. high, you ignorant shit.
Greece
The perfect team for you if you also want to sneak in nine holes before the Japan vs. Greece match. This kit also says, "I'm a successful marketing professional, but I still have an Ikea Lack coffee table." Particleboard isn't a good look, so maybe you can also join a recreational soccer league to get your social life up. Just watch those shins.
Assistance on the golf course "I've got a decent drive, if I hit a few greens, stayed out of trouble and get a couple breaks, I might be able to sneak into double digits today." NO. DOUBT IT. Golf is the only sport in the world where you're literally disgusted 99.7% of the time, because one, you spent $12 on a CAN of Bud Light and two, no matter what you do, there's no way to make a golf outfit look like a GOLF ALPHET.
Colombia
Colombia's kit looks like one of their team moms is going to hand out orange slices at halftime. Colombia is also considered a dark horse to win the World Cup. Speaking of dark horse, the yellow shirt's diagnoal stripes and black piping might make this the first time you ever opt for the yellow option.
Likelihood Radamel Falcao will be fully healthy for the tournament: 20%. He was considered one of the best strikers in the world for a while and since then injury has derailed his campaign to advance Colombia past group play for the first time since 1990. They play a possession based game, baiting their opponent into making a mistake and then attacking quickly on a counter, meaning they play soccer like Gregg Popovich is coaching them. Shout out Popo, shout out Migos, shout out calling glass.
Spain
Spain's classic crew neck jersey is ideal for casual summer time creeping. Tiki-taka right into a girl's DMs or Fàbregas strike a cross right into her Gmail promotions folder. Lime green accents compliments of adidas make it substantially less tolerable when you pronounce adidas the actual German way of, "Ah-dee-das" instead of, "Uh-dee-das."
Odds that a girl in your Instagram has a #tbt of her in Spain captioned, "Take me back, Seville": 1 in 3 of all girls you went to college with.
Netherlands
Orange is a weird color, normally delegated to hunters, dads who bike at night, and college grads trying to re-live their glory days with school colors and spending nights out yelling "Turn down for what!" while wearing boat shoes. No matter which one you choose, you're too twisted to realize you've lost a boat shoe as you celebrate Robin van Persie's screamer into the back of Iker Casillas' net.
Likelihood that a Duke bro quotes says that Goldmember Dutch joke while throwing shade on your Netherlands jersey: Plumlee-high.
Chile
The Puma Chile jerseys look like the type of stunting that dudes who played Magic cards in high school stairwells across America rock. These are the same guys who grow up to rock transition glasses and have custom iPhone e-mail signatures. "Sent from a literal apple." Sweet sig., breh.
How to choose what sport your son should play: Wikipedia the roster of Chile's national soccer team. Find the starting left winger and google: "their name + girlfriend." CONCUSSIONS OR BEST LOOKING GRANDCHILDREN EVER?
Australia
Has anyone actually seen "Australian rules football?" That shit is live. There are about 48 players from each team on the field, which is the size of four football fields. It looks like quidditch minus the magic, but add swole Aussie bros in five-inch inseam shorts. This is relevant because no one's totally convinced Australians care too much about soccer because of their unapologetic love for Rugby and meat pies.
Better Australian export: Iggy Azalea or Zanerobe? Recent Hall of Game inductee Swaggy P says, "dead even."
Mexico
adidas designed two different options for Mexico, both involving TV shows of our childhood. The green kit resembles Tommy "The original Mr. Steal Yo Girl" Oliver, the green Power Ranger, who later became the white Power Ranger, and then became the de facto leader, despite the Red Ranger being that day one dude. The second kit looks inspired by everyone's favorite lovable loser Charlie Brown.
How to know if you're a lovable loser: Do you enjoy playing poker online? Do you share Upworthy links on Facebook? Is your fantasy football team name a name pun? Do you love this shit? Are you high right now? Do you get nervous? Are you single?
Croatia
The Croatian blue jerseys are kind of dope. Nike brings the fire and puts the number on the front of the shirt so it looks like you're running a half-marathon—or if you've been in a relationship for over three months, a Color Run, that 5k where people throw colored powder in the air like the Indian custom, Holi. Hey man, do it for the 'gram. And if you see a girl with a photo from her Holi run on Tinder, just know that she just slid out of a relationship.
Likelihood they'll make it out of group play: Honestly, no clue. Brazil is winning the group for sure and FIFA will probably rig the second spot for Brazil's U20 team just to be sure the home crowd gets a ton of action. But, Luka Modrić is rated an 87 in FIFA and anyone who's spent enough time on the game has gotten decent at L1 + triangling balls to Benzema, so that's something.
Cameroon
You pretty much can't go wrong with these fly summer colors. The uniforms feature African cave painting all-over print pattern with the French phrase, "Les Lions Indomptables," which roughly translates to, "Samuel Eto'o will most likely embarrass your as he scores 9,000 feet away from the goal."
Chances you'll brick wearing these dope jerseys because you're a nerd: About 9083745986734%. Look, nothing will change the fact that at one point you kept your keys on a lanyard that hung from your pocket. And, no matter how much you try and hide the blue light on an e-cig, people will know you're not smoking a real cigarette—no matter how much you try and justify that, "A daily nicotine habit is as bad for you as a daily espresso habit. Just embrace it."
Brazil
The host country gets three jerseys to wear because when you're throwing a Mad Men themed party, no one's gonna fault you from going Season 1 Draper and then changing to Sterling post-LSD trip into Kinsey Hare Krishna. You're sacrificing your hardwood floor and the inevitable noise complaints, so you do you. Brazil's kits feature three different necklines: one V-neck, one crew, and one hybrid of the two all sitting on three different dope colorways. Look forward to Neymar doing some cool Neymar shit in that iconic Brazilian yellow.
Likelihood to make a deep tournament run: High. See those five stars on the Brazil crest? Each one represents the number of World Cups they've won. They'll be looking to hurt people's feelings but you probably won't endear yourself to the sports bar when they crush Mexico and you can't even speak Portuguese. Flex with caution.