Image via Complex Original
1.
Being a swaglord is exhausting. Not only do you have to be out here constantly influencing and going to open bars and building with fam, but you have to always be on top of the most current Cool Teen™ slanguage. That's its own separate job in and of itself, as Cool Teens™ have no regard for anything. They do not respect swaglords. They do not respect authority. They are a bunch of lawless, wild beasts. As of today, March 5, 2015, their most popular phrase du jour is "it's lit," or one of its various derivatives, such as like for example, "lit like Bic" and "oh, it's fuckin' lit." And, though it is approaching the end of its life cycle as it has recently reached Celebrity Mom usage, it is a succinct phrase to denote that everything is about to, or already has, gotten considerably wild.
ADHD Sonically Personified aka Rae Sremmurd (which is supposed to be "Ear Drummers" backwards, but that would technically be "Sremmurd Rae") have replaced Future as the ambassadors of the Shirk Responsibilities And Do Whatever To Find A Semblance Of Joy movement, but the crux of the matter at hand is identifying when something is actually, truly lit. Misreading a social lituation can lead to ostracism. If a funeral is not, in fact, lit and you start pouring sparkling Moscato on the open casket corpse, there will be consequences your rich dad cannot get you out of. Thankfully, you *read Four Pins more than once* so you are already clued in. But, as with with everything, deeper insight can always be gained from professionals. You think the Pins pays me a cool fifteen bucks a think piece if I didn’t know what I was talking about? Bruh, I stay seeking out transient happiness at the cost of alienating my loved ones. So, get out your fucking notepad. This is your field guide to identifying if it's lit.
Justin Roberson got penalized in rehab cuz a bitch was 'bout to commit suicide and he said, "Oh, it's fuckin' lit." Follow him on Twitter here.
2.litlead
3.excitement
Does it involve even a modicum of potential elevated excitement?
Did McDonald’s have a 2 for $3 Chicken Biscuit promo you weren't aware of? It's lit.
Did someone who doesn't follow you retweet you? It's lit.
Did you find a penny from the 1960's? It's lit.
Did you think you sharted, but actually didn't? It's lit.
Did your grandmother forget your birthday because of her Alzheimer's? It's lit.
For something to pass the Litmus Test™, one small instance of emotion must exist. As that Smokey the Narc has been telling us for decades, a single spark can cause a forest fire. FYI arson is actually hella lit.
4.lets-build-fam
Does it involve fam?
Fam is the only currency that matters. Fam can get you into a college you aren't qualified for. Fam can get you free food. Fam can even talk you out of killing yourself when you realize that your talent has reached its ceiling and all your future employment opportunities have dried up. The utility of fam cannot be understated. It doesn't matter if you are at the mall, a bris, in the club or out in the woods naked with only the faintest glow from the distant stars cascading down to help guide your quivering hand to give your bros a successful amateur enema, if fam is involved, it is lit.
Side note: Overactive lituitary glands are the reason my large, adult sons are so rowdy.
5.booze
Does it involve alcohol?
Did you know the original name for alcohol was "lit Juice," but that's been whitewashed and erased from the history books by an old English pioneer named Allen Cohol who stole the recipe from natives?
If it involves alcohol, the chances are 99.5% that it is lit, or has the possibility of eventually becoming lit. Even if you are sneaking out to your car for a couple Pabst chugs during your nephew by marriage's 4th birthday party, the fact that you have alcohol at your disposal means that you might get happy and actually put the "fun" into function.
Pro tip: Always keep a six pack on you wherever you go. No exceptions.
6.bush did 911
Does it involve George W. Bush doing 9/11?
Guaranteed lituation. GWB was the first person to put the lit in "politics." We know this because of the controlled demolition of the towers.
#ExplainTheThermite
7.love
Does it involve someone proclaiming their love for another human?
It is not lit. Love is not lit. Love is the opposite of lit. Love causes your lit bulb to slowly start dimming over time like the opposite of those 4W ones IKEA sells. People will try to convince you that love is lit. They will do this by attempting wild faux lit shit like choreographed wedding dances and elaborate Twitpic montages. Ello. Fucking. El. You're not fooling anyone.
Contrary to what How I Met Your Mother wants us to think, life is not a romantic litcom.
8.fire tweets
Does it involve popping sick ‘grams and fire tweets?
You already know it's fucking lit when you are paying more attention to your phone than your immediate surroundings.
Captions: Lit.
Emoji usage: Very lit.
Photo Filters That Soften Your Huge Pores: Super lit.
Ability to transport your corporeaLITy into a digital world where strangers respect and appreciate you more than your dumbass parents: Frighteningly lit.
I make all my memes in Microsoft Paint and save them as litmaps.
9.concert
Does it involve music at loud volumes?
Oh, motherfucking triple hell yeah. Music has soundtracked pretty much every important historical occurrence. I mean, they used to have kids play the damn drums while they marched into battle for goodness' sake. The Romans blared Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt" while crucifying Jesus. Music can set the mood and elevate even the most boring dinner party into a mass-murder-ready-fuck-orgy (colloquially known as an "Ernest Baker DJ set”).
Get your What.CD invite and get to LitTorrenting.
11.censored 2
Does it involve nudity of any kind?
Doesn't matter if it's titties, hanging brain, bone malones or labia (majora or minora), if there is nudity involved, shit is illuminated because everyone around is one step closer to having consensual sex with something.
For all you straight edge virgins out there, as a youth, if you ever heated up some Gak, then stuck your finger inside it, that is what sex feels like (but on your penis).
12.debt
Does it involve putting yourself into massive debt?
Trick question! It depends on what you're doing it for.
If you are putting yourself into debt with student loans in an attempt to get an "education," then it's decidedly not lit. In fact, it's the antithesis of lit. That's like if one of the prisoners in Plato's cave extinguished the fire with their deep brown urine. College can certainly be lit, I guess. (Though, in the interest of total transparency, I wouldn't know as I dropped out in 10th grade, but I have seen those Fuck Fest vids on the Internet.) However, amassing millions of dollars of debt to maybe afford yourself a few years to dick around is ignorant. Don't take chances. Make the turn up a certainty.
How are you going to live the most lit life possible if you're having to split your time between classes and essays and partying? Work on the turn up every day. Be the Tony Horton of Beachbody Litness.
It'd be a smarter idea to go into debt creating memories for you and fam that you can hold on to forever and look back on fondly when you are an unemployable 28-year-old high school dropout sleeping in a walk up ATM cube. Instead of dropping a rack on textbooks, you may or may not even use, spend that at the club on only grenadine. LOL. Instead of "paying tuition," cop a luxury auto and lock yourself into a high monthly payment on a depreciating asset. Fiscal irresponsibiLITy is the wave. Do your best to put the ill in "ilLITerate."