Image via Complex Original
1.
I was born in 1986, right on the cusp of the digital transition. I can remember what life was like before the Internet (Spoiler alert: It was not lit). I had to smush my dick against a scanner bed to, with their consent, email fly chicas a Pablo Picasso likeness of my Bone Malone. You youths today have never had the pleasure of explaining an obvious mushroom print and dick outline smudge on a scanner to your parents like, "I have no idea what that is. Oh yeah, wait, I did try to scan a too ripe plantain for a science project. I think that's what it must be." I mean, have y'all ever even had to use a scanner?
It's a fact that old people do not understand the Internet. There is even a descriptor that I learned about in college for them: "Digital Immigrants." LOL, I am in massive debt, fam. To them, the Internet is a mysterious traveling circus of Internet Explorer Toolbars and Army Family Reuniting Videos. Obviously, we know that the Internet is way more than that. For one, it's a place where you can get paid for knocking back a couple of Redd's Wicked Apple Ales and writing think pieces for a highly sus, yet respected, menswear website. But, more than that, the Internet can make you powerful, relevant and influential (even when you are none of those things IRL). You can get paid for not creating, and in some cases, not even doing, well, anything. However, you'll still have to occasionally explain to your relatives and acquaintances what exactly it is that you do. They don't understand that doing stuff on the Internet is respected. The conversation can be daunting and painful, but we here at the Pins are made up of nothing but #influencers. We've been there. And we're here to help. Here's how to talk to people about being an #influencer.
Justin Roberson is an #influencer. Follow his influential Twitter account here.
2.influencerlead
3.you are an influencer
Tell Them You Are An #Influencer
The first step is being confident in the fact that you are an #influencer. Don't be timid. Look them straight in their eyes that have very little damage to them because they haven't spent their entire life staring at a glowing screen and say, "I AM A HASHTAG INFLUENCER."
When they ask, "Okay. But, like, what is that exactly?" You say, "I HASHTAG INFLUENCE."
The key here is to be confident and make them feel like they are the dumb ones for not knowing a dumb internet term.
4.klout score
Show Them Your Klout Score
Lawrence would not legally allow me to post my Klout score because the Complex Media legal team said, "Holy shit, fam. Your Klout score is so high it tried to eat its fingers. We can't be responsible if someone harms themselves after seeing this number."
Klout is all that matters. It interpolates all the fire tweets gotten off and next level ‘grams popped and LinkedIn skill recommendations into a tangible number that shows you how much your life is worth. If someone doubts your #influencer status, flash your Klout and let them see all the dope ass free dog food Perks you have just chilling in the queue.
5.listicle
Show Them The Listsicle Complex Made That Included One Of Your Tweets
Whip out your phone and go to your bookmarks to pull up the "Twitter Had No Chill When [Insert Thing That Happened]" post Complex included one of your tweets in.
Everyone knows you aren't shit until you've been crowdsourced.
6.twitter followers
Show Them Your Twitter Followers
My co-workers fear me because I have millions of Twitter followers. Even if your successful doctor cousin doesn't know what Twitter is, if she sees that thousands of people care what you have to say, she'll get it. She may have removed a tumor from a child's brain last week, but could she create a new joke format everyone jocks? Nope. They don't teach that shit at doctor school.
I guess this is as good of a time as any to announce that Four Pins has a branded line of Goth Scrubs dropping S/S 2016.
7.followsyou
Show Them All The Powerful People That Follow You On Twitter
If the sheer number of Twitter followers doesn't convince them that you matter, then open up the meticulously curated Twitter list of all the famous people who follow you.
"Mario Lopez? Yeah. That's right, bitch. AC Slater from Saved By The Bell favorites all my pizza-related tweets. I talk to this Weird Twitter person named AT PISSY CUM JEANS with, like, 200K followers. Regularly. John Legend's Wife has retweeted over 1 and a half of my memes.”
FFFFFFLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXX
8.you started trends
Show Them All The Trends Whose Origins Can Be Tangentially Connected To You
Did you do emoji movie plots before everyone? Did you proliferate eggnog usage? Did you create the Vice Nerd Voice jokes?
Go into excruciating detail about any micromeme or joke format that you can plausibly lay claim to have started or been a part of.
9.free swag
Show Them The Free Stuff Someone Sent You
Up to this point, every piece of #influencer evidence is intangible, invisible, made up. Now, it's time to show them that your online prestige has IRL benefits. Tell them about all the $20 Subway Gift Cards you got from Klout. Show them all the shoes Wale sends you after they start to crease because you politely and promptly laugh at his text message jokes. Recount that time Drake let you charge your $500 bar tab to his Dave & Buster's Platinum Account when your date stole your wallet.
I wrote an article about fancy sweatpants and got sent MORE fancy sweatpants. I'm like Scrooge McDuck, but instead of a money vault, I have a fancy sweatpant vault that I dive into every morning naked and wade around in. It wasn't until my dad saw all my fancy sweatpants that he finally realized that the Internet wasn't just a gigantic waste of time and that I "hadn't actually failed him as a son." LMAO, my dad is such a jokester.
10.famous people grams
Show Them All The ‘Grams You've Popped With Famous People
This is particularly effective on olds because they still think celebrities only take pictures with people they like and not out of pity with dweebs that bother the shit out of them.
"Yeah, gam-gam, here's me and Dick—PAUSE—Van Dyke rap squatting in the steam room at the racquet club."
Congratulations. You just got your percentage of the inheritance doubled. Real talk. I can't wait until gam-gam is dead. My fits are going to be out ofcontrol.
11.cash
Show Them All The ‘Grams You've Popped Holding A Lot Of Money
If 'grams impress them, then show them the hundreds of 'grams of you talking into a money phone or with a bunch of crispy blue ink hundreds fanned out in front of your face. They'll see that you are making actual, tangible profits from a mysterious, fabricated profession. They even might finally respect you.
12.1099s for days
Show Them All Your 1099s
If they question the authenticity of your Money 'Grams, let them see all the money you got paid and definitely aren't going to report to Obama.
"So, you're, like, a consultant?" your fuccboi lawyer brother-in-law might ask.
"Sure, except Consultants don't get put on the guest list to all the open bars in the city, idiot."
13.ruin their life
Show Them How You Can Ruin Their Life
If after everything they are still incredulous to your influence, there is only one option left: RUIN THEIR FUCKING LIFE.
Hit em with a “Y'all pray for my [familial relation] [name] ain't nothin wrong with [him/her] [they] just look like a [devastating comparison]" tweet. Once it gets over 10,000 retweets it'll be the number one Google result for their name. Future employers and potential life partners doing cursory searches will be like, "Oh, damn. Pure ownage. I could never see this person as a human moving forward, just a pile of dunked on garbage." They'll soon be rejected by everyone they know and descend into homelessness and die unloved and alone in a ditch. LMFAO.
Oh, well. That's what they get for not respecting your #influence.