Image via Complex Original
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"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes and h8rz." - Benjamin Franklin
Ever since dinosaurs mutated into birds and then evolved into humans there have been h8rz. Why? BALANCE. Light needs Dark. Yin needs its Yang. Fucc needs its Bois. There are h8rz everywhere we go whether we realize it or not. Some are silent fuccbois, whispering behind your perfectly sculpted rhomboids. Others are loud, vocal fuccgibbons who screech their vitriol from the mountaintops for the world to hear. It is easy to be affected—to become depressed even—by the sheer amount of h8 that gets slung our way on a daily basis.
But do not fret, my lords. We here at the pins that number four have compiled The Celebrity Guide To Dealing With H8rz for you, the everyman. Study up on this influential compilation of lessons you too can use to combat the h8, because if anyone is an expert in dealing with an inordinate amount of h8tred, it's a bonafide superstar.
Justin Roberson is a content creator whose hobbies include sending h8rz the world over into an uproar. Follow him on Twitter here.
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Lesson: Without H8rz, There Is Nothing
You must first realize that h8rz are vital to our ecosystem. They are the water that allows our world to exist. They are the loins of God, from which all life springs eternal.
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Lesson: H8rz Will Always Exist
Do not lose sleep over devising ways to elimin8 your h8rz. Sure, you can delete your Facebook or Twitter and not be privy to the h8rz' comments, but h8rz will continue to comment. They will continue to comment until the sun explodes and engulfs the entire universe with the warm embrace of death. Accept the fact that, much like HPV, h8rz will be with you forever.
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Lesson: Understand The Psyche Of A H8r
Remember why h8rz are gonna h8! They don't just h8 for the sake of h8ing. They h8 because they feel left out. They don't h8 on you simply because you are a shitheel, talentless moron (their words, not mine), but because no one cares about what they are doing with their miserable lives. They are lost souls.
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Lesson: Show Compassion To A H8r
Keep h8rz in your thoughts and prayers.
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Lesson: Love Your H8rz
Their weakness is love. Love literally turns them into shriveled husks like the merpeople in Ursula's Polyp Garden. Show them you care about them. Set a reminder on your calendar to send a nice edible arrangement of hot dogs and melon every October 19th in celebration of their lives. Allow the h8rz to get their shine on.
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Lesson: Encourage Your H8rz
The old trope of "h8rz are my motiv8rz" is correct, but the inverse is also true. You are the motivation for your h8rz. If you believe in them, they will believe in themselves.
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Lesson: #NeverForget About Your H8rz
Bush did 9/11.
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Lesson: ???
IDK what this even means, but French Montana is smarter than all of us. So, yeah, this.
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Lesson: Let A H8r Know They Are A H8r
It's quite possible some h8rz do not know they are, in fact, h8rz. If you encounter a h8r, be direct in your assertion that they are, indeed, a h8r (and laugh in their stupid, bloated, oily face).
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Lesson: Instruct H8rz On What They Can Do With A Dick
The more specific the better.
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Lesson: Do Not Let A H8r Go Unchecked
You don't always have to take the high road. Show compassion to h8rz, yes, but that does not mean you have to accommod8 h8rz. If a h8r gets cute, swiftly ether their entire reality. Reduce a fuccboi back to a fucczygote. Ruin them and their legacy. Exhibit extreme amounts of disrespect. Treat them with disdain. Dismiss them.
PS: @polotapia locked his Twitter shortly after this reply from Tom in December 2012, and is still locked. Now that's how you handle a h8r.
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Lesson: Talk About A H8r's Mama
Their own mamas are the only thing h8rz love. If necessary and applicable, hit him where it hurts by making fun of their mama's genitals.
Example: Pussy look like a botched origami swan.
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Lesson: Let A H8r Know Your Penchant For Violence
H8rz will often mistake your tolerance of their shenanigans for weakness. Make it known that when you seem them it is VIOLENCE.
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Lesson: Don't Feel Obliga8d To A H8r
Though it is always good to be able to laugh at yourself, most h8rz are unoriginal DNA clusterfucks. If their shtick grows trite, mute or ignore them.
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Lesson: Subtweet A H8r
There is nothing more powerful than a subtweet. If subtweets existed in 1945, we wouldn't have needed to drop an atomic bomb to win a war. Remind h8rz that you haven't forgotten about them, but be vague and filter all your messages through speculating third parties. Usurp their power like a PLUR Death Eater.
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Lesson: Do Not Be Afraid To Kill A H8r
Blocking a h8r on the Internet actually kills that H8r IRL. Though we do not condone murder here at Four Pins, no court in the land would convict someone of choking a h8r until every last fuccmolecule of fuccoxygen vanishes from their fuccbody. This should be a last resort, but, if the situation requires it, be merciless and unflinching in your unequivocal destruction.