Image via Complex Original
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Four Pins built this empire on alphets: critiquing them, finding them, banishing them, loving them, fucking in them, dry cleaning them, dreaming of them. The perfect alphet will make you invincible. The perfect alphet can alter your genome, transforming you from a swaggerless fuccboi into an impervious, boner-wielding fuckjuggernaut. It is that quest—to find The Perfect Alphet—that fuels us. Mind you, The Perfect Alphet is not just about the clothes. No, it must also complement the event you are attending. Sure, you look like a majestic peacock at the company picnic, but now you are regretting having your tailor alter your oxford with slim fit #KNOWLEDGEDARTS because you are making a fool of yourself trying to play volleyball with a supremely restricted range of motion.
If you're anything like us, you are constantly getting invited to turn up functions. A new day, a new turn up function invite. We can't even remember the last time we turned down. Luckily, we've discovered TURN UP, a lifestyle company specializing in party wear for TURNING THE MOTHERFUCKING TRIPLE HELL YEAH GODDAMN FUCK UP. As the name suggests, these are the perfect alphets for when you know you are gonna turn up—perfect for buttchugging molly water as soon as you get to your desk, perfect for attending a dirty warehouse rave later that night and perfect when you show up dead in a drainage ditch the next morning. We've handpicked some of TURN UP's skrongest gear to help you flourish.
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Burgundy Cut Out Cocktail Dress
When to Wear This: At the company picnic when you are going to let your boss fingerblast you in the Port-A-Potty.
When you wake up in the morning and immediately know that you are definitely going to suck a stranger's dick at some point throughout the day, this is the alphet of choice. The sheer panel on the back will allow you to put your "RIP Dad" tramp stamp on full display for the masses.
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Fish All Over Print Sublimation Shirt
When to Wear This: Tripping balls at the bottom of the ocean.
Do not be fooled by the deceptive marketing tactics. Those are not jellyfish. They are dicks. Neon dicks with some of the most robust and smooth shroom prints I've ever witnessed. I fuck with this neon dick shirt so heavy. Nothing says "TURN THE FUCK UP, BRO!" like neon dicks. Neon dicks are going to be huge in 2014. You heard it here first.
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Galaxy Cats All Over Print Sublimation Tank Top
When to Wear This: When you are getting these tweets off.
Who doesn't love cats? No one. Who doesn’t like galaxies? No one. Who loves cats and galaxies? Old people and the Internet. This tank top lets people know that A.) You are not to be fucked with, B.) You know what an IP address is and C.) You respect memes. Hopefully, your bone malone is ready for the nonstop vacuum action it's about to get blessed with. This tank is not for beginner, bros. Expert level bros only.
P.S. Neil deGrasse Tyson is a fuccboi.
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City Scape Skirt
When to Wear This: Bush did 9/11.
The back of this skirt is straight black, making it a wearable mullet: party in the front, business in the back (which is also my personal sex philosophy). If you stare at this skirt like a Magic Eye puzzle, you can see the planes flying into the twin towers. Let this skirt be your own personal attack on basic bitches. Explain the thermite. Didn't think so.
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Neverland Scream Cat All Over Print Sublimation Shirt
When to Wear This: While staring at yourself jacking off in the mirror.
I don’t know what the phrase "Take me to the Neverland" means, and because I am a professional writer I have no desire to even Google it to make sure it isn't a reference to a piece of content I am not aware of. If it was a thing I would know it because I am infallible. What I do know is cat tongues are sexy. Rough, wet and supple, they are the pinnacle of evolution. This shirt gets me both turnt and horned up. Full turgidness happening right now.
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Coke Logo Leggings
When to Wear This: Doobie Brothers concert at a marketing convention.
Brands are everything. If you fuck with a brand, you should plaster their logo all over your sexy body and camel toe outline to let people know. Will you ride or die for Aspartame? Then these leggings are for you.
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Cannabis Leaves All Over Print Sublimation Tank Top
When to Wear This: Job interview.
It’s crazy how something like weed can be so cool. But when you put it as a pattern over a tank top it becomes even cooler. If the person interviewing you for that dishwasher position at Applebee's asks you for a resume, take this shirt off, then roll it up and smoke it in front of them. There's your fucking resume, you fucking lame.
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Bottle Opener Ring
When to Wear This: ALWAYS.
I can't front, sometimes you want a lowkey turn up. You can't snort cocaine all the time (Editor's Note: You can). Sometimes you want to relax with some local, hoppy brews. It'll always happen, the cute girl you've been wanting to talk to will think the cap is twist-off...BUT IT'S NOT! LOL what a dumb bitch. This gives you the perfect opportunity to show her that you are husband material. Open it for her with your bottle opener ring and her legs too will open, revealing panties soggy with desire.
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Rainbow Piano Theme Belt
When to Wear This: Negging chicks on the subway.
The beauty of this accessory is that it brings the gaze of women and men alike down to your crotch, which puts you one step closer to their mouths being there. This shit is so dope. It's like the piano necktie—a classic fashion item— but it's not a tie. It is a belt. A piano on a belt in a colorway that pianos do not usually come in. Turn. The. Fuck. Up. Let's get crazy.
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Pills Snapback
When to Wear This: Bringing a fake scipt to CVS for horse tranquilizers.
No better way to advertise that you are down to party and blow molly out the butthole of a thot than to wear this hat. It doesn't even matter what kind of pill it is, if someone hands you one you gotta ingest that shit. That's what the turn up lifestyle is all about, friends.
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Tequila Sunrise Fluffies
When to Wear This: Funerals.
Death sucks. It's basically God's way of forcing you to turn down. We don't believe in an intergalactic deity for this very reason—our closets are Lazarus Pits. Every person at the funeral will be depressed, but when you walk in with these on they'll forget that death is imminent and that life is fucking bullshit. Instead, they'll remember that life is just one big turn up. Shirk all your responsibilities by hitting the Bernie with a corpse covered in glow sticks.