Image via Complex Original
Valentine's Day is here, and it's not the easiest day to get right. What does she want? Should you go fancy or modest? Chocolates, roses, teddy bear, puppy? Sheesh, there are so many ways to get it wrong.
And yet, there is nothing so wrong as a creepy vintage Valentine's Day card. They were really creepy back then: cute kids exchanging sexually suggestive puns; inanimate objects looking for love; a dog farting on a man in bed who is dreaming of cheese. This was how you declared your love back then. What were these people thinking?
Here are 25 of the creepiest. If you're down in the dumps because you don't think you'll be getting a card from a special someone this year, just pray that Judy from accounting doesn't slip one of these into your inbox.
RELATED: The 10 Worst Movies to Watch on A Date
LIKE COMPLEX ART+DESIGN ON FACEBOOK
Freddie Mercury
You know what the thing at the bottom of the thermometer is called? A bulb. B-U-L-B. Maybe there was some sort of mix-up, because the artist clearly created a thermometer with a bulge. A huge one.
Off the Top of My Head
This brilliant caption would have been much less offensive if they just drew head lice.
Wurst. Card. Ever.
Here's one from the good old days, before all this Internet and Twitter and sexting of your blurry, poorly-lit body parts ruined the romance.
Witchy Woman
Sure, she's cute, and you'd like to release her from this bondage, but you don't have all the information. What did she do to land herself in the stocks? Was it simple adultery, or is she a witch?
Getting Whacked
Try to have slightly better manners, guys. "May I please hammer it in?" She will like that a lot better.
Lubricated for Her Pleasure
If you know your Wizard of Oz, you'll recall that this is the guy who doesn't have a heart until he gets one from Oz at the very end of the story. He's not capable of love, he just wants a girl like Dorothy to oil him up now and then.
Here's Johnny!
Dear Stanley,
Have a great Valentine's Day. Really looking forward to making this movie with you and Shelley Duvall.
Your pal,
Jack Nicholson
She's Frigid
She wasn't actually de-frosted until eight months later, by the CSI team.
Love and a .45
Gimme all your lovin,' all your hugs and kisses, too. And any cash or jewelry you may be carrying.
Hot Legumes
When the State Fair judges asked Timmy how he grew his prize-winning turnips, he smiled to himself and said, "Love. I put my love in that garden."
Emma's body was never found.
Out, Damned Spot!
It's so difficult to find a card that says exactly what you're thinking. But this one does.
Hive Mine
Having a rash is usually the trait of someone who is not going to be our Valentine.
Squirrely
Having these Squirrelzillas deliver the mail is a cost-effective plan, until they wise up and realize they could rule the planet.
When the giant squirrel comes for your body with his terrifying mailbag, don't say we didn't warn you.
Let's Not Be Chicken
This card simultaneously celebrates the sanctity of life while lamenting man's inhumanity. Embryos think, they feel, they have hopes and dreams and yes, they love. Unfortunately for them, they are also delicious when fried in a skillet and doused with Tabasco. So much for love.
Who's the Dummy Here?
OK, this is probably directed at a girl, but doesn't it look like the little blonde boy is in love with his ventriloquist's dummy? And wasn't this the premise of a B-grade horror movie in the '80s? Well, if it wasn't, it should have been.
Forbidden Fruit
They say he still roams these woods at night, pushing his tiny scooter, wearing the clothes he was so brutally murdered in, with a giant plum where his head used to be.
Just Plain Creepy
"To my Valentine"? A more fitting message on this guy's, uh, dangling tongue would be, "Enjoy your nightmare."
Venus 'n Fuhrer
You know who else wanted a dictator for Valentine's Day? World War I veterans in Depression-era Germany who resented the Weimar government and felt betrayed by communists and Jewish people.
Poked in the Seat
If you said these words to a woman on the street, she would call the cops.
Touch My Rooster
You may be sure of it, but keep that thing out of your valentine. She doesn't want to see it.
Cuts Like a Knife. But It Feels So Right.
"See the point?" The point is on the knife. And do you know what the knife means?
I. WILL. CUT. YOU.
Watch the Teeth
This Valentine's Day, give her a card that tells her she's your favorite beaver.
50 Shades of Pink
Was this card innocent back in the day? We're not sure. But if you received it from a girl today, the message would be: "I'm into fetish wear; truss me up and then we'll have sex."
Join the Club
"Baby I love you?" Don't listen to his sweet words, sister. It's actions that count, and beating you over the head with a club is not a great action.