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TV and film writers are never short of new characters, yet they don't often think out of the box when dreaming up imaginary careers—think more doctors, lawyers, and cops than, say, dancers. Still, over the years, there have been some incredible tales of writers (Barton Fink), artists (Blow Up), and general creative types (Science of Sleep). At the same time, entertainment writers often throw a "creative" into the mix that is so incredibly one-dimensional or unbelievable you'd think they were written in by people who have never lived in the real world. To all those creatives not beholden to reality or any real sense of purpose, we honor thee with our list of The Most Unconvincing "Creatives" in Pop Culture History.
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15. Clarissa Darling
Actress: Melissa Joan Hart
TV Show: Clarissa Explains It All (1991-94)
Even now, there are a lot of things about Clarissa Darling that make her a legend to girls across the land. She dresses like an agent of chaos, owns a little alligator named Elvis, has a best friend who climbs in through a ladder by her window (ok that one's weird), and she always handles whatever life has to throw at her with info graphics and bravery. When things get really tough though, she sits down at her desktop and programs elaborate computer games to help her play through her problems. It's the kind of problem solving that almost no one would tackle. Especially a young girl who has serious Ferg problems. It's impressive to see a young female character involved with computers and games, almost before that stereotype was cemented, but her free spirit and take-charge nature doesn't make the smooth transition to coding in DOS.
14. Theatre Ensemble
Actors: Ewan McGregor, Jim Broadbent, and John Leguizamo
Film: Moulin Rouge! (2001)
Baz Luhrmann's musical extravaganza boasts a lot of emotion (and coughing), but it fails to capture the feeling that any of the characters are anything but two-bit loafers. The show must go on, and times are certainly tough in the Paris institution, but Toulouse-Lautrec as a stage director and cabaret developer? A nothing writer who infiltrates the business to ruin what may be their last performance? Maybe it's the lack of mostly original music, but none of these creative types ring true in any way.
13. Paul Buchman
Actor: Paul Reiser
TV Show: Mad About You (1992-99)
The popular '90s sitcom followed the apartment living life of Paul and Julie Buchman. They bickered about take out, about their friends, and about Marxist philosophy, but all under the guise that Paul was a documentary filmmaker, something that never really rang true for the rest of the show. While the other popular NY sitcom, Seinfield, really showed that Jerry lived the kind of life that would fuel his comedy, nothing Paul ever did seemed to reflect his work except when he would, like from a bad novel, tell someone what he was working on. "I'm a successful filmmaker!" he says. "Sure you are," we say.
12. Mort Rainey
Actors: Johnny Depp
Film: Secret Window (2004)
Take Johnny Depp, dress him in a robe, put him at a desk, have him stare despondently at a computer, and it looks more like a fashion ad than a portrayal of a writer. John Turturro, who plays the deranged villain, looks much more fit for the part. Even so, Mort Rainey has just suffered a psychotic episode and has retreated to this cabin to look pristine, play with a slinky, and slowly be consumed by paranoia. If it's to be assumed that only a writer has the motivation to solve this particular mystery, then there's the fact that John Shooter offers him three days to solve it, tells him not to go to the police, and then kills his dog with a screwdriver. No imagination necessary.
11. Jack Dawson
Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio
Film: Titanic (1997)
It's an old gag with painters and artists in film to show them working from the front and then cut to them pretending to paint the finishing touches on a completed work, and no version of that gag is more unnecessary than in the three hour epic disaster tale of Titanic. While a great opportunity to get a little nudity into a movie that had probably lost a lot of unwilling male dates already, the scene is so schmaltzy that the entire scene seems to have been borrowed from a Cinemax softcore. If anything about blue collar Jack was too off-putting for you to see him with wealthy Rose, this demonstration of his inner beauty will surely set things right.
10. Shaun Brumder
Actor: Colin Hanks
Film: Orange County (2003)
This sweet movie penned by sweet movie guy Mike White is actually a joy to watch. The motivations of young Shaun Brumder are actually captivating. His desire to leave everything he has known, his family, school, and friends to go and study writing is a real life scenario. And as far-fetched as the movie becomes, it holds enough truth and heart at its center to pull it off. However, the fact that Shaun has a complete novel finished that he shops around to friends is not important to the plot, and then to find out that he's basically written his family, friends, and school into it is the cliché that the movie has been narrowly avoiding up until the end. For a refreshingly realistic movie about young writers, look at the Norwegian gem Reprise and see how little the audience sees of the novels and what they must infer about each writers style from how they live.
9. Sonny
Actor: Michiel Huisman
TV Show: Treme (2010-Present)
On top of being generally unlikeable as a character, Sonny is one the very few characters on the show who is lacking any sort of passion. The street musician from the Netherlands has a beautiful and talented girlfriend to perform with, and they run around the city. They make friends and perform with some legends around town, but Sonny, still reeling from helping evacuate people from the roofs of homes during Katrina, tends more to cheat, steal, and get high. Most importantly, he just isn't a believable musician. On a show that does justice to the gigging musician as well or better than any on TV, Sonny sticks out like a bearded thumb. When he gets compliments from strangers and especially from other musicians, it's hard to swallow.
8. Erin Gruwell
Actress: Hillary Swank
Film: Freedom Writers (2007)
Freedom Writers is an triumphant teacher tale from 1997 starring Hillary Swank. Her class of un-teachable students has split into groups based on race, doesn't listen to authority, and hardly goes to class. But based off of one note she intercepts about the Holocaust, she unites the entire class in only one year. How does she do it? Through the power of writing! Each student gets their own composition notebook for writing of the injustice and abuse in their life, and by the end, many of them are ready for college. The story is based off a true story, but the movie contains none of the real qualities of actual human beings, especially teacher Erin Gruwell, who fights the indifferent world and is beloved for it.
7. Dan Woolf
Actor: Jude Law
Film: Closer (2004)
The dark and steamy thriller from Mike Nichols weaves itself into quite a knot of seduction and betrayal, but all of the action seems to somehow derive from Dan Woolf's character saving Alice Ayers. He then writes a book about her, and everything is set in motion. But if we're to judge the writer by his chat room seduction, he leaves much to be desired. His rather short and stilted exchange is among the weirdest parts of the film, and if it weren't for the fact that the guy was clearly trolling the Internet for action, there's no way Woolf could have pulled him. "Sit on my face fuckboy," does have a nice ring to it, though.
6. The Professor
Actor: Russell Johnson
TV Show: Gilligan's Island (1964-67)
Granted, Gilligan's Island is one of the most unbelievable shows to ever be strung together, explained in the 60 seconds before every episode (no further questions please). But the survivor team of full-grown children comes equipped with one professor, who helps them solve problems with inventions made out of coconuts. He is generally well liked on the island, especially by Mary Ann who is blinded by the light of his bamboo-fueled genius. Only, the one thing his inventions and schemes can never do is get them off of the island. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he's actually a high school teacher.
5. Joey Gladstone
Actor: Dave Coulier
TV Show: Full House (1987-95)
Dave Coulier a professional comedian? Come on. Only in Canada would any one be nice enough to believe that. The most realistic part about Joey's job was when he went on Star Search and didn't win... if you can look past the part where he made it on Star Search.
4. Alex Sheldon
Actor: Luke Wilson
Film: Alex & Emma (2003)
Why is it that writers have to write the movie that they're in? On what screenwriter workshop wall is that chiseled? No movie is more guilty or more awful in it's personification of this hackneyed movie trope than Alex & Emma. The movie actually spends its entirety trying to avoid the trope by flipping the script and in the process makes the biggest pile of trash supposedly about writing ever made. Alex must write a novel that expresses the feelings of rejected love, so he plans to write himself a new future love. In creating the characters for him to fall in love with, he finds that he's been making them more and more like his stenographer Emma, and oh isn't it nice. No, it's not nice. It's absolutely nothing like writing, or love, or reality. Also Alex borrows money for his book from the Cuban Mafia. In 2003.
3. Stanley Jobson
Actor: Hugh Jackman
Film: Swordfish (2001)
Real hacking isn't exactly a creative pursuit, but movie hacking definitely strokes the imagination. The daringly bad Swordfish, known more for showing Halle Berry's breasts than anything else, is the story of a hacker Stanley Jobson. Where the movie really goes off the rails is the hacker tryouts, where Stanley must hack into a government system in 60 seconds with a gun to his head while getting a blowjob. The logistics are outrageous enough without the (surprise!) last second finish. If you are somehow brave enough to continue watching after this scene, you might also want to check out some paranormal romance novels from the library because you're into weird fantasies.
2. Laney Boggs
Actress: Rachael Leigh Cook
Film: She's All That (1999)
The very popular 1999 retelling of George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion (see also 1964's My Fair Lady) is not exactly high art, but the one character who is supposed to carry that sense of the artist's suffering for meaning is none other than Laney Boggs. Living without a mother has created a life of very few pleasures. Working behind the counter at a local food joint and taking care of her brother and incompetent father really focus her remaining energy on her true passion, painting. Only she's terrible. All the paint covered overalls in the world won't hide that fact that she's not hasn't advanced much since elementary school.
1. MacGyver
Actor: Richard Dean Anderson
TV Show: MacGyver (1985-92)
The Woody Allen of TV Adventure stars preferred to use his brain to get him out of sticky situations and help take out the bad-guy trash. And if you could suspend your disbelief (that's what TV was about in those days), you were in the presence of a certified genius every week. MacGyver relies on scientific principles to break locks, start engines, and remote detonate explosives in the face of evil. But if you were trapped in a walk-in freezer with the guy, and he asked you to get him a lemon, some twine, and some steel wool, you'd probably see that mullet in a slightly different light.