Some fifty people are gathered in a circle. In the center, commanding their collective attention, is a drunk powerlifter. He is vigorously miming the act of lifting a huge weight. Everyone is as rapt as if the real thing were happening.
This dude had mimed lifting two hundred. Then two hundred and fifty. He was now raising the stakes to four hundred pounds. He grasped the imaginary bar, shifted his feet, and heaved—pulled—thrust it into the air. Victorious, he dropped it down and everyone cheered.
For those who haven’t set foot on a college campus for a hot minute, allow me to give you a refresher: the bro is a subspecies of college male, often large in size and loud of voice, who can often be found in the basement of a frat house, in the stadium bleachers, or anywhere kegs can be found. They can be observed blacking out, peeing on walls, telling other people about blacking out and peeing on walls, or perhaps calling me a "ratchet bitch" and explaining to me why that's funny.
Like any social group, bros can also be identified by common styles of clothing. Allow me to enumerate the good, the hot, and the ugly.
Emily Lever is a French-American writer who wishes she led a life of adventure. You can follow her on Twitter here.
1.
Some fifty people are gathered in a circle. In the center, commanding their collective attention, is a drunk powerlifter. He is vigorously miming the act of lifting a huge weight. Everyone is as rapt as if the real thing were happening.
This dude had mimed lifting two hundred. Then two hundred and fifty. He was now raising the stakes to four hundred pounds. He grasped the imaginary bar, shifted his feet, and heaved—pulled—thrust it into the air. Victorious, he dropped it down and everyone cheered.
For those who haven’t set foot on a college campus for a hot minute, allow me to give you a refresher: the bro is a subspecies of college male, often large in size and loud of voice, who can often be found in the basement of a frat house, in the stadium bleachers, or anywhere kegs can be found. They can be observed blacking out, peeing on walls, telling other people about blacking out and peeing on walls, or perhaps calling me a "ratchet bitch" and explaining to me why that's funny.
Like any social group, bros can also be identified by common styles of clothing. Allow me to enumerate the good, the hot, and the ugly.
Emily Lever is a French-American writer who wishes she led a life of adventure. You can follow her on Twitter here.
2.parrybrolead
3.tank
Tank
Tanks are a great way for guys to display their gym-toned arms (#sunsoutgunsout #college #frat #TFM). As such, even that ugly-ass neon tank from a spring break trip to Cancún can be a genuinely attractive item of clothing, but only if the wearer is jacked. What’s that? I’m being superficial? Dude, I bet you’re so not attached to your firm no-uggos policy.
4.frattank
Frat Tank
Now for a specific subgenre of tank, the frat tank, which sports letters from the Greek alphabet the bro once memorized under the threat of chugging dip spit and milk.
The frat tank is crucial because it informs everyone around that freshman year, a bunch of guys thought the wearer had a decent chill to pull ratio. (For GDIs: it’s the ratio of how chill you are to how good you are with girls. The best possible chill to pull is 5:5.)
5.backwardscap
Backwards Cap
An appropriation from hip-hop culture, the backwards cap has become an integral part of the bro arsenal. Wearing a hat backwards can serve many purposes. For example, if you want to rep your beloved Yankees or Wolverines but don’t want your face obscured or your peripheral vision obstructed, this is your jam. Also, I have observed that if you’re gay—really clearly gay, even—a backwards cap will without fail make people think you’re straight. Girls will start hitting on you and everything. That’s clearly not why everyone does it. I’m just giving you a useful piece of information.
6.hightops
Hi Top Sneakers
The mechanisms of sexual selection in the animal kingdom are fascinating and can teach us a lot about human behavior. For example, in peacocks, one way males attract females is by having the longest, most beautiful, most vibrant, strongest tail. This has an obvious parallel in human sexual selection: many bros put a lot of time and energy into displaying their sneakers.
If you’re reading Four-pins, I hope you have seen the light and are past any Ryan Lochte phase you may have had.
7.shavedhead
Shaved Head
I get it, I get it, you had to do it for your frat hell week, but unless you were already good-looking without a shaved head, don’t get your hopes up about acquiring the rugged, dangerous sex appeal of Jason Statham or...I don’t know...David Beckham?
8.onesie
Onesie
Onesies are a particular affectation often found at themed costume parties. I am actually inclined to get behind these because often they’re simply the lazy bro’s costume idea. His costume is that he’s wearing a onesie. It’s certainly better than wearing a racist costume.
If, for example, you’re wearing a blue onesie, you’re the color blue. Animal onesies are pretty fun, and if it’s a dinosaur onesie, you’re guaranteed to get mad props. Mad props, I’m telling you. But the most beloved onesie of all is the American flag onesie, which brings us to...
9.flag
American Flag Anything
The Stars and Stripes may represent imperialism and oppression around the world, but it’s a pretty graphically striking design. Betsy Ross was mixing patters way before it was cool. Maybe it’s because the flag is aesthetically pleasing, or maybe it’s because jingoistic, exaggerated patriotism is socially acceptable, but people really, really love American flags in all forms. If you’re trying to score 100+ likes on your profile picture, just post one of yourself wearing an American flag. For 200+ likes: an American flag and nothing else. If you want the internet to explode, maybe try an American flag and a polar bear, but I take no responsibility for what might result.
10.sunglasses
Sunglasses At Night
Look, I don’t think that anyone wears sunglasses indoors at night because they think it’s socially acceptable. I think the urge to embrace this style is a natural mechanism that ensures that certain douchebags will never reproduce, thus enhancing the species as a whole.