Image via Complex Original
1.
We're already a month into 2015 and if there's one goal you should have this year, it's to finally attain happiness, healthy personal relationships and financial stability. Just kidding, your goal in 2015, just like my goal, is to have sex.
But how will you know if you're going to have sex in 2015? There's no way to tell, especially because in order to do "it" (a teen told me to call sex "it"), you have to have someone else who wants to do it with you as much as you want to do it with them. And that's hard because meeting people is terrifying.
STILL, there are things you can do that will increase or decrease the chances of you fucking, so you should probably just go ahead and do/not do the following stuff, for the reasons I tell you to do/not do them.
Drew Millard has never fucked. You can read more of his work on Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.
2.fuck2015
3.building with fam
Building With Fam
You would think having friends would mean you're good at talking to people and therefore increase your chances to fuck, but NO. You can't have sex with your fam. That's a little thing I like to call incest and you're not supposed to do it (unless you’re Kevin Gates or these people).
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Bruh.
4.smoking weed
Smoking Weed
Again, this is a tricky one. Weed is admittedly on the surface super fucking chill, but that's just a trick. As we all have learned from the great Nancy Grace vs. 2 Chainz debate, weed kills. Can't fuck if you're dead.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Nah.
5.twitter
Spending All Of Your Time On Twitter
Much like life, sex comes at you fast. The main way to be ready for it is to always be looking down, preferably communicating with other influencers online. Plus, the faster you are with your fingers, the better you'll be at hand stuff.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Hell yeah, pimp.
6.destroyed denim
Wearing Destroyed Jeans
Regardless of what they say about the demise of Abercrombie, torn, ripped and generally destroyed jeans rule. In addition to keeping your legs cool, while still hiding your precious ankles on a hot day, fucked up beyond repair denim allows for faster access to your crocth, as well as the crotch of your partner. Imagine the luxury of being able to go to the bone zone while only having to shift your pre-torn jeans around a little!
Will this help you fuck in 2015? You betcha!
7.google glass
Wearing Google Glass
This one's a no-brainer. Everyone knows there's nothing sexier than wearable tech. I don't actually know what Google Glasses actually do, but it seems like they'd be able to measure your heart rate or at least help you secretly look up cool sex positions to try on the fly.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Duh.
8.marty mcfly
Dressing Like It's The Year 2015 In Back To The Future II Instead Of The Regular 2015 That We Actually Live In
What is this, Comic Con? Oh wait, yes, someone just told me this actually is Comic Con. Never mind, dressing like it's the Back To The Future II instead of the regular 2015 that we actually live in will indeed help you have sex this year.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Yes (but only because it's Comic Con).
9.video games
Playing Video Games
Remember when I said there was nothing sexier than wearable tech? Well, I lied. Being able to fucking own at video games is also the best way to own at fucking.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Indubitably.
10.cool teen
Being A Cool Teen™
Uh, I don't think I can actually follow through on this joke without looking like a creep, so let's go with N/A.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? N/A, plus after watching this, it's hard to tell if Cool Teens™ even like anything.
11.leo
Being Leonardo DiCaprio And/Or A Model Within A 100 Mile Radius Of Him
If you are Leonardo DiCaprio and/or a model within a 100 mile radius of him, it is unequivocal that you will fuck in 2015. Moving on...
12.vine 2
Having A Popular Vine Account
The older I get, the more I become convinced that Vine is the literal forefront of culture. One day, the Oscar for Best Short Film will go to some random ass kid's clip that crammed 72,000 shots and an Air Jordan into six seconds. In addition to winning a gold trophy of a faceless naked man, that Oscar-winning Viner will have sex.
Will this help you fuck in 2015? Yes (winning an Oscar would probably help too).