Image via Complex Original
1.
Jared Leto is easily, to me, the most hateable dude in the universe. He is a double threat of suck. On one end of the spectrum, it seems like he's only in the sort of movies that dumb people would hypothetically give an Oscar to. In the past ten years alone, Leto has played, in no particular order: the last man on earth, Alexander the Great's gay lover, a serial killer who murders women he meets through personal ads, Nicolas Cage's coke addicted sidekick in a movie about arms dealing that was endorsed by Amnesty International and even got fat to play the dude who murdered John Lennon. All of those movies were outlandishly bad and if you like them, then you too are bad. On the other end, he's the front man of 30 Seconds to Mars, which is probably the third worst mainstream rock band in history, behind Puddle of Mudd and, like, The Black Crowes.
Simply put, Jared Leto is famous because we literally have no one else to fill his archetype. There are relatively few dudes who make both rock music and act these days, so we just have to take what we can get. Where we once had Sting and Kris Kristofferson, who were both dope as fuck by the way, now we've got Jared Leto, who sucks at everything except for when he was in Dallas Buyers Club, which was a certified slapper of the silver screen. Recently, Leto stepped it up another notch for clueless celebrities the world over by releasing his own line of fanny packs, which you can buy at his website for the low price (?) of $32. Meanwhile, his most recent Oscars look (Givenchy tux, natch) reminded us all that homeboy lives his life by the precepts laid out for him in Lil B's "Look Like Jesus."
Still, because Jared Leto is so egregiously famous and also so egregiously good looking, he is photographed a lot by people. Because he thinks that bad, artless ideas are artsy and good, he often looks ridiculous. And so, Jared Leto, we celebrate your pretentious career choices, bad music and cockroach-like existence in the only way we know how: a slideshow making fun of your various outfits and rating them on a scale of 1 to 10 Coachellas, 1 being the least likely to be worn to Coachella, 10 being the most likely, with bonus points added if Leto is also wearing a fanny pack.
Drew Millard got the poo on him. Follow him on Twitter here.
2.letogod
3.leto 1
First, some thoughts about product placement: The dope thing about being famous and releasing a product such as a fanny pack is that whenever you leave the house, people take your picture and then you're getting free advertising for your product. Which is, if you are Jared Leto, a fanny pack.
4.leto 2
Little known fact: Jared Leto uses his fanny pack to bring his own maple syrup to brunch. It's paleo, you wouldn’t understand.
Rating: 4 Coachellas
5.leto 3
This outfit is dope because it mixes plaid with animal stripes. You don't see that enough on music festival grounds these days.
Rating: 10 Coachellas because this was actually taken at Coachella.
6.leto 4
When I saw this picture, I could pretty much only think of that one scene at the beginning of Zoolander where he's wearing the monkey suit and the photographer is screaming at him. Oh Jared Leto, you misshapen ball of clay, you.
Rating: 8 Coachellas, but in a bad, appropriation-y way.
7.leto 5
This is the other thing about Jared Leto that people always get mad about: He's super fucking hot. You know how you can tell he's hot? Because he'll wear almost, but not quite matching tie-dye patterns and nobody will say fucking shit.
Rating: 6 Coachellas.
8.leto 6
This picture was the basis for a meme, apparently? I don't know anything about memes except for this one.
Rating: 1 Coachella. Sadly, just incredibly weak Coachella levels here.
9.leto 7
Jared Leto invented rap squats. Also, rap.
Rating: 3 Coachellas.
10.leto 8
This one has it all, kids: tie-dye, terrifying Jesus beard, a fanny pack casually being held as a wallet and sunglasses only a cop, celebrity or celebrity cop could pull off. And, if you look closely, you'll notice that his SOCKS MATCH HIS FANNY PACK. HOW FUCKING CRAY IS THAT SHIT?!
Rating: 6 Coachellas.
11.leto 10
Oh wow, Jared Leto visited a Ron Jon Surf Shop and came out dripping in the finest of Quiksilver garments.
Rating: 7 Coachellas because, while that straw Pharrell hat is not particularly helpful at some awards show, it would be super helpful trying to fight the sun as you waited for Hanni El Khatib or whoever's set.
12.leto 11
At last, Jared Leto is the king. The king of what? Doesn't matter.
Rating: 4 Coachellas. Tights are not the wave in Indio.
13.leto 13
This look is kind of ill because in addition to wearing every pattern known to man, it looks like Jared Leto's pants are growing out of his shoes.
Rating: 2 Coachellas. Biker jorts would have really set this off.
14.leto 14
"Hey, bro! Take a picture of me next to this pig, bro!"
“Uh, yeah, Jared, that's not a real..."
"YES IT IS, SHANNON! SHUT THE FUCK UP! THE PIG IS ALIVE!"
Rating: 6 Coachellas, but only because the fanny pack stealth matches the socks and track pants.
15.leto 15
This one gets bonus points because I found this on Leto's instagram, announcing that 30 Seconds to Mars was about to start touring with AFI and Linkin Park.
Rating: 0 Coachellas because Jared Leto's band would never actually be invited to play Coachella, which is saying A LOT.
16.leto 16
Ah, yes, an oldie, but a goodie.
Rating: Infinite Coachellas.