Image via Complex Original
1.
One of the reasons why I like reading Four Pins is that it shows me very expensive clothes that I myself cannot afford. This is a little thing I like to call "aspirational branding." My actual wardrobe consists of rap T-shirts, clothes I've had since college and one pair of expensive selvedge denim jeans I bought on sale. I don't have the money to buy any of these three jackets, all of which cost in the neighborhood of $800 or this pair of $175 jorts. Clearly, all of us plebeians want expensive things, but don't have the money to buy them. Fortunately, Groupon exists.
Started in 2008 in Chicago, Groupon has been the most reliable place on the Internet to find great deals on such a diverse array of products as whale watching, botox and all-expenses-paid vacations to Costa Rica. Andrew Mason, one of the company's founders, was named "Worst CEO of the Year" in 2012 by CNBC. A year later, he was fired, releasing a statement saying, "After four and a half intense and wonderful years as CEO of Groupon, I've decided that I'd like to spend more time with my family. Just kidding—I was fired today." A friend of mine worked under Mason and he told me the one time he actually encountered dude, he came into the Groupon elevator wearing pajamas. He also released an album about business that featured Bishop Lamont.
Clearly, Groupon is not a place with any coherent brand identity and, even more clearly, they are not above doing some zany shit. Though they're totally down to sell you a pound of elk antlers, an unlocked and possibly illegal iPhone 5c or an RC helicopter, they also sell men's clothing. I'm pretty sure you can figure out where this is going.
In case you cannot, in fact, figure out where this is going, click those little arrows you see before you and you will find the most ridiculous men's clothing that I found on Groupon. Don't worry, most of these deals either don't actually expire or are perpetually re-listed, so you can pretty much buy this stuff whenever.
Drew Millard is a deal hunter. Follow him on Twitter here.
2.groupon
3.1
Suslo Couture Button Down Shirt
Retail Value: $129.99
Groupon Price: $27.99
At last, a shirt for the Bobby Bottleservice in your life. The only thing that could have made this shirt better at sucking was if Suslo Couture was just called "Sus Couture."
4.2
Retail Value: $62
Groupon Price: $19.99
If you couldn't figure it out, a "Men’s Slimming Vest" is a pair of Spanx, but for a man. Don't know what Spanx are? This is the Internet. Just open a new tab and Google that shit.
5.3
Retail Value: $45
Groupon Price: $8.99
Ed Hardy for nine bucks! You can't even get a Red Bull vodka for nine bucks in New York. What else do you fools need to know?
6.4
Daddy and Baby Matching T-Shirt And Bodysuit Set
Retail Value: $35.99
Groupon Price: $29.99
Having the same alphet as your newborn seed is incredibly lit. So lit, in fact, that I fucked around and copped one for Four Pins contributor/general Internet legend Bauce Sauce, who is expecting his second child in, like, ten minutes.
7.5
Retail Value: $34.99
Groupon Price: $14.99
This is something called "The Money Belt." I repeat, THIS IS SOMETHING CALLED "THE MONEY BELT." HOW HAVE YOU NOT ALREADY BOUGHT FIVE OF THESE THINGS? The only way this belt, which lets you hide your money in it rather than keeping it in your wallet like a fucking narc, could be better is if it were literally made out of money. But I'm not sure something that luxe would ever be offered on Groupon.
8.6
Retail Value: $35
Groupon Price: $9.99
Even though this T-shirt is supposed to say “SLS3” on it, its overly busy graphic design makes it look like it says "SUS." This one is self-explanatory.
9.7
Retail Value: $29.99
Groupon Price: $16.95
Unlike the "Sus" tee, there's absolutely no room for interpretation here. These are socks that have the word "Gay" on them.
10.8
Retail Value: $29.99
Groupon Price: $8.99
What I initially thought was just your standard issue Angry Birds spirit hood actually turned out to be a knockoff, not-officially-licensed Angry Birds spirit hood. This is perfect if you love Angry Birds, hate the fact that Rovio makes a gazillion dollars in merchandise licensing and have a moderately cold head.
11.9
Retail Value: $24.99
Groupon Price: $17.99
These are actually kinda, like, cool? Like, if I updated my Tumblr 700 times a day and paid attention to what Asspizza was doing, I would totally buy this.
12.10
Retail Value: $20.99
Groupon Price: $14.24
This is one of those shirts that only exists to be bought by clueless aunts for their surly 16-year-old nephews.
13.11
Genuine Leather Skull Cap With Or Without Studs
Retail Value: $39.99
Groupon Price: $9.99
Picture this with a Kodak: You're cruising Groupon, looking for a leather skull cap to strap onto your head the next time you and the boys are takin' the hogs out for a spin. You set your eyes upon this genuine leather skull cap. It's perfect. The exact right amount of leather (all), for the exact right place (your skull), with the exact right choice of studs (with or without).
14.12
Retail Value: $800
Groupon Price: $16.99
Why yes, that is an $800 chain marked down to $16.99. Not only is that a 98% discount, but you can buy this chain resting easy that either (A) this chain is not actually worth $800, or (B) Groupon is literally just selling stolen goods.