Image via Complex Original
Tom Brady is what happens when you mix the infinite hubris of Cary Grant with Brad Pitt’s enthusiasm for vainglorious fashion fuckery. He’s one of the most iconic and successful athletes of all time, but he’s also an easy target, mostly because his supermodel wife styles him like a pampered, sweater-adorned Yorkshire Terrier. SMH. Brady’s trademark, though, is his ever-changing, flagrantly ostentatious hair. From humble beginnings to whateverthefuck is going on now, behold The Evolution of Tom Brady’s Dumb Hair.
Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)
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The Early Years
Era: 2000-2002
As seen on: Dudes who cut their own hair with Oster brand clippers; virgins; fantasy football league commissioners
Obviously, he's been wearing a helmet, but this is still one busted cut. You know that guy at your office who wears a salsa stained hockey jersey every casual Friday? He has this haircut, right? Right. Don't fret young Thomas, your life is about to kick everyone else's life's ass very soon. And, as implausible as it sounds, your lettuce is going to get a lot weirder.
The Middle Ages
Era: 2002-2008
As seen on: Elegantly disheveled frat bros; basic dudes with normal jobs; farmers
It takes a while to develop the expansive arsenal of untamed fuckery that Tom Brady demonstrates on a regular basis these days. Basically, you have to lock down an iconic sex symbol, lead a few dozen fourth quarter comebacks, and vaunt an airplane hangar's worth of $100 bills in your full-floor Manhattan apartment. These are Brady's swaggerless developmental years, which were apparently spent getting the walk-in side eye at Sports Clips.
Training Camp Shag
Era: Summer 2010
As seen on: A young David Cassidy; Steve Prefontaine; Fletwood Mac's roadie crew
Brady's wife, Gisele Bundchen, reportedly prohibits the Patriots quarterback from cutting his hair, and "The Golden Boy" quickly becomes a cleft chinned musk ox. The extra padding around the cranial might help protect against the debilitating affects of head trauma though, so—as wild as it looks—this is a win for No. 12.
The Courtside Bob Cut
Era: Summer 2010
As seen on: Prepubescent Justin Bieber; '60s-era album covers for The Yardbirds; Rihanna in the "Take a Bow" video
In summer 2010, Tom Brady adopts the look of a 16-year-old kid from SEC country, who posts multiple selfies per hour, and inexplicably has 150,000 followers on Instagram. Look at this picture. That's the face of a Santa Monica area, trust fund dependent burnout who just cleared a three-foot bong rip of OG Kush.
The Grizzly Era
Era: Winter 2010
As seen on: Guys who harvest walrus meat for sport; psychotic shut-ins; biker gang hitmen
Brady looks like the heavy in a film starring Brian Bosworth, in which Boz has to stop the Patriots quarterback from offing the town sheriff by delivering a lethal hit to No. 12's blind side. That said, you're looking at a guy who's in the throes of a 36 touchdown season, so maybe Geno Smith would be well-served by growing out his head like the sixth member of Deep Purple.
Scrunchiegate
Era: Spring 2011
As seen on: Seroquel-dependent cat ladies; Stephanie Tanner; devotees of Madonna's Who's That Girl World Tour
It's hard to make fun of a guy who's staring murderously into the eyes of a Victoria's Secret model. So, we're going to give Brady a slide on this one. Hopefully this act of grace is enough to deter him from storming the Complex office and violently firing pigskins through the editorial staff's computer monitors.
The Fedora Flare
Era: Spring 2011
As seen on: Panamanian drug lords; extra-privileged teenagers; Emeraldo Zegna models
Prior to the 2011 Kentucky Derby, Brady walks into Tom Ford on Madison Avenue and asks to be styled like a white-collar fugitive living under-the-radar on a yacht boat in Saint-Tropez. This is the look of an unscrupulous financier trying to sneak through customs at Paris' Charles de Gaulle Airport. Behold the smirk of a man who has at least a dozen Picasso originals hidden in an explosives resistant safe.
Gigolo Tom's Headband
Era: Spring 2011
As seen on: Retired professional wrestlers at Gold's Gym; junior high pom-pom squads; Mark Sanchez that one time
It's amazing what a $30M contract, a fistful of Super Bowl rings, and Gisele Bundchen can do to a man's moxie. Exhibit A: The perceptible, borderline insane self-confidence it takes to pull a move like this in public. At this rate, California Cool's going to be wearing cornrows and eyeliner to his Hall of Fame induction ceremony and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
The Cut of a Lunatic
Era: Summer 2011
As seen on: Ashton Kutcher headshots; repeat drug offenders; teenage heart throbs from the early '90s
First, let's acknowledge the savage stare coming from this 2x MVP because it sums up his look in one unnerving gaze. If Roger Goodell allowed Brady to play without a helmet and his hair soaked in bacon grease, Terrell Suggs would piss his compression shorts in outright terror during the AFC Championship Game. This hairdo is decidedly more frightening to a defense than Brady's ability to run the two-minute drill.
Today's Debonair Quarterback
Era: 2012-Present
As seen on: Guys with toupees who've been blindsided by a gust of wind; bull sharks; topographic maps of the Himalayas
As an active member of The Illuminati's board of directors, Tom Brady's mind-altering, futuristic hairstyle is practically a job requirement. When you're as metaphysically commanding as this Patriots quarterback, spending $600 for a cut that looks like it was done with DeWalt electric shears and palmful of rubber cement doesn't seem so insane. Comprehending this dude's steez is impossible for ordinary earthlings such as ourselves.