Athletes Who Were Stylish in the '90s but are Swaggerless Meatheads Now

What happens when once stylish athletes become swaggerless dads?

Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

Getting older isn't pretty, and that's especially true for professional athletes. These guys go from cashing signing bonuses and taking daily trips to the weight room to slugging beers on the golf course and yapping via satellite on ESPN for exercise. As a result, many of these modern day gladiators lose their eye of the tiger. In fact, the dadification (the process of becoming a swaggerless, dad-aged human) is so severe in athletics that some of our bedroom poster heroes have become unrecognizable in retirement. For a slide-by-slide look at some of professional sports' saddest style transformations, peep the Athletes Who Were Stylish in the '90s but are Swaggerless Meatheads Now.

Mike Piazza

During his playing days, Mike Piazza embodied the brazen self-assuredness that you'd expect from a 62nd round draft pick-turned-National League Rookie of the Year. Today, however, Piazza looks like he teaches British Literature at Middlebury College and aerates red wine from a tilted decanter. Is this the enraged bull moose who once charged the mound on Guillermo Mota or the director of a black box theater adaptation of The Merry Wives of Windsor? SMH.

Bruce Jenner

Today, Bruce Jenner appears to be composed of the same elastic gel material that the adult novelties industry uses to make hyper realistic sex dolls. But, back in the day, he looked like a country club golf pro with an affinity for romantic getaways to Sybaris Pool Suites. Hopefully for their sake, Kanye West and French Montana aren't looking at a crystal ball when they see this slide.

Hulk Hogan

At 60 years old, Hulk Hogan still looks like he could choke out a water buffalo, so we're going to tread lightly. The last thing we need is for this dude to storm the Complex office for an afternoon of editor Bonzai Drops and Mac Book body slams. That said, Hulkster's basically become a walking, talking midlife crisis. There are very few looks that were made to last 35 consecutive years, and the whole Ed Hardy branded commando "thing" is definitely not one of them.

Dan Marino

Dan Marino is a painful reminder that it doesn't matter how cool you are in your 20s because, eventually, we all end up dressing as though life is one giant corporate golf outing. The circle of life goes Pampers-swaglord-polyester polos-adult Pampers-grave. That's it. This guy purveyed over a banner NFL franchise in Miami (during the cocaine-fueled '80s, no less) and now he has all the swagger of an Applebee's bartender. In sum, there's no hope for any of us.

John Kruk

In the '90s, John Kruk's dirtbag swag was omnipresent enough to warrant its own zip code. The Philadelphia Phillies first baseman was equal parts strip club DJ and biker gang hit man, but—sadly—he's become an Outback Steakhouse gift card personified. As a man gets older, he probably has to chill with the barbarism, but it'd be awesome to see this guy on Baseball Tonight with a softball sized wad of chewing tobacco in his mouth and a pair of Oakley Blades.

Shaquille O'Neal

Shaq is roughly the mass of seven U-Haul trucks, so we should cut him a little slack in the fashion department. After all, it can't be easy to find a velvet blazer that's the size of a three-car garage. However, a 4x NBA champion with five rap albums can do a lot better than this high school driver's ed teacher on the right.

Sammy Sosa

Sammy Sosa went from a hulking slugger with a magnificently greasy jheri curl to looking like a serial killer who is wearing Khloe Kardashian's butchered face as a mask. Here's a guy who used to smash balls on to Waveland Avenue while wearing a skull cap, a sleeveless Easton shirt, and a pair of size 19 extra wide Fila cleats to batting practice. Now, he looks like a Real Housewife of Miami after a botched Botox treatment. How in the world did we let this happen?

Troy Aikman

Troy Aikman's style isn't that busted. But, for a guy who used to share a locker room with Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin, his current lack of swagger is totally disappointing. This dude should be in the Fox Sports booth with a full length mink coat, a walking stick made out of endangered Black Rhino horn, and three pairs of True Religions. Instead, he looks like he owns a Nissan dealership in suburban Milwaukee. When you're getting out stunted by Joe Buck, you officially have a problem.

Lawrence Taylor

If you're wearing a leather jacket that features more than a half dozen different colors and a pair of round frame sunglasses, understand that your life is about to take a nosedive. Ultimately, that overconfidence and irresponsible amount of swag will get you into trouble. Case in point: Lawrence Taylor, whose life's been blindsided worse than Joe Theismann since this picture on the left was taken.

Mike Tyson

If you're curious as to how a career's worth of head trauma affects one's personal aesthetic, take a look at this picture on the right. Yeesh. Mike Tyson went from the most feared man in America to looking like a guy who's perpetually denied entry to Las Vegas nightclubs. That said, he looks like he can still put a lot behind that right cross, so I'm going to stop making fun of this guy before he puts my nose through the back of my skull.