The Most Ridiculous T-Shirts Currently for Sale at Walmart

I never truly appreciated the Men's Clothing section of Walmart​ until I purchased the Burger shirt you see above. As a child, I depended on Walmart for athletic socks and sweatpants, but it was only as a drunken adult, keeping my boredom at bay through the neon aisles, that I realized how gloriously ridiculous their clothes are. Reliably, there's a hearty dose of patriotic red, white, and blue—with a hint of nostalgia. Perhaps that's why one of their in-house lines is called "Faded Glory."

There's guaranteed to be pop culture-referential gear, from stoner mainstays like Bob Marley to Bible Belt-heroes like the cast of Duck Dynasty, and other extremely marketable icons who have become multi-national brands unto themselves. But once you get past the Lynyrd Skynyrd shirts, the bald eagles, and the Looney Tunes tees, things get weird. Unlike frozen pizza or toilet brushes, what Americans want to wear is not a sure bet, and judging by the clothes at Wal-Mart, even megacorporations have no clue where to start. Luckily for us, their guesses are often hilarious. Here are The Most Ridiculous T-shirts Currently For Sale At Walmart​.

"You know that thing your dad used to wear around his head when he went to concerts, and now he uses as an extra rag in the garage? What if that was on your shirt?"

Though we could have guessed that the results would be unappealing, there was no guessing that a shirt could look quite this awful. This is a damned achievement. Unintentionally, this shirt is actually more performance art than it is a a legitimate piece of clothing, as it is inappropriate for any environment.

The only utility for this shirt is if you are planning a life of celibacy. Maybe super attractive guys purchase this shirt as some kind of degree of difficulty challenge, just to test how attractive they really are.

And just in case you're delusional, here's a PSA: No one cares if you like poker. Just ask your Uncle Ralph, who bankrupted his family trying to replenish his kids' college fund playing cards online.

Corny-ass puns on pop culture tropes are an essential element of Walmart's tee game. Though this is our favorite example, it is by no means the only attempt to cash in on decades old pop culture with weak humor. Case in point?

What this T-shirt presupposes is a dystopian alternative reality where instead the Robertson's of television's Duck Dynasty hunting ducks, a breed of humanoid mutant ducks turn the tables and hunt the most dangerous game for themselves.

Of the literally dozens of stupid Duck Dynasty shirts available at Walmart, this has to be the dumbest.

You have to love those shirts that brag about accomplishing the easiest task known to humankind. People have to actively try not to have children. There's an entire industry built around the precautions one takes to avoid impregnating a woman. This shirt is even better because it asserts that if your children don't have kids it somehow reflect poorly on you. It might as well say, "Land Ownership is Essential to Personhood" or "Because the Sun God Wills It."

...Actually, those two T-shirts would be pretty dope.

Jesus may have loved everybody, but you know if one of his apostles showed up to a countryside-roaming wearing this tee, Christ would have been like, "Ay yo, Simon Peter. Yeah, why don't you chill in the back of the group today?"

That ugly tie-dye guarantees that while you may be in the Lord's good graces, anyone wearing this shirt will be in no one else's.

This T-shirt has the following problems:

1. If you warn me that you're sarcastic, doesn't that blunt the effectiveness of your sarcasm?

2. When in the Looney Tunes canon was Daffy Duck sarcastic?

3. In claiming that sarcasm is "just another service" you offer, how are we supposed to know whether or not you're being sarcastic?

4. Well... it sucks.

There may be such as a thing as a constructive hawkish foreign policy dialogue. Comparing the carpet bombing of foreign nations to pouring dollar bills on strippers' bodies at the club is definitely not it.

Many Walmart customers feel like they aren't being heard by our government, but considering the continued use of drone strikes abroad, it seems that the message of this t-shirt continues to resonate with the current administration.

Rarely in life do you have the chance to be sexist and do some unpaid shilling for a multi-national conglomerate at the same time. For only $6, this privilege could be yours. When you do enjoy that crisp, refreshing Coke, take solace in the fact that Mr. Steal-Your-Girl was not some showboating rapper or Internet celebrity, but a brown, liquidy beverage loaded with sweetener and a timeless All-American appeal.

Fantasy football is like masturbation: The Internet has made it a lot easier, but no one wants to hear you openly talk about it. If for some reason you feel the need to let the world know that every week you emotionally invest in the performance of strangers who aren't even on the team you root for, then you're in luck. Walmart carries a number of tees that let the world know to steer clear of you on Mondays unless they want to hear a sob story about an imaginary contest.

Oh, you thought the "Keep Calm" meme was over? Buddy, it's far from over. When a meme reaches holiday apparel levels of cultural infiltration, it means that your children may very well be wearing "Keep Calm and Marry A Robot" graphic tees half a century from now.

And don't worry. There's a whole lot more meme where that shirt came from:

This "Popeye In Williamsburg" reboot is gonna be the worst cartoon ever.

\A sad, desperate man stares blankly at the television. He doesn't move. It look like he hasn't moved in days. He is shoeless, though his slippers sit a few feet away from the recliner he's worn a deep groove into over the past week. He wears an old, ratty pair of boxer shorts. The elastic wore out a long time ago. His t-shirt, stained with pizza sauce, french fry grease, and dried drips of ice cream reads, "BET TOGE."

Joe, a concerned friend, stops by the house to see how he's doing.

"Hey buddy. How you holding up?" he says to the man, though he might as well have said it to the brick wall or the steady, vacant hum of the television. "Sorry about Kristen, man. You'll bounce back. You're strong."

Again, no response.

"Well I'll leave you to it, but you might want to change your clothes. You're smelling pretty fresh. And what's Bet Toge?"

​If only he knew ...

If I was taught one thing growing up in rural Pennsylvania, it is that any criticism of the military, police, or firemen is inherently wrong whether you're critiquing the military industrial complex, police brutality, or how stupid their fucking T-shirt is.

Today, I take a stand. Today, I say this T-shirt is really stupid.

And so is this one:

Thank you to the brave men and women who put their lives on the line so that I can tell them that the T-shirts they purchase from Walmart are actually terrible.