Image via Complex Original
The voice of the Internet, The Kid Mero, will be offering his opinions on everything from dating to fake Louis bags, exotic cuisine to laundry on Complex.com, twice weekly. Mero speaks for himself, his views do not necessarily reflect those of Complex.com, Esperanza from the hotel, Michael Kors, or your girlfriend's coworkers. You've been warned.
AYYYY, IM BACK INTERNET. THIS TIME I'M VERY EXCITED BECAUSE I AM A RABIDINIOUS NBA FAN AND THIS WEEKEND IS ALL-STAR WEEKEND IN NEW ORLEANS!!! ALL TYPES OF CONTESTS AND CELEBRITY GAMES, DUNKS, AND STRIPPERS TRYNA GET CHOSE BY A BALLER WILL BE IN CIRCULATION. YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOMEONE TO HELP YOU NAVIGATE NAWLINS AND I'M FINNA DO THAT FOR YOU BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I DO, B. I'M A MAN OF THE PEOPLE AND I JUST WANT YOU TO PROSPER AND WIN BECAUSE I LOVE YOU [PAUSE]. HERE'S A COUPLE DO'S & DON'TS TO HELP YOU MANEUVER ALL-STAR WEEKEND.
JUSTIN BIEBER
DO: HANG OUT WITH JUSTIN BIEBER
YOU KNOW JUSTIN IS GONNA BE IN THE BUILDING WEARING THE APPAREL OF THE TEAM WITH THE MOST WINS AT THE TIME OF HIS ARRIVAL. TRY TO GET A PHOTO WITH HIM IT MIGHT HELP YOU OPEN UP A FRANK DISCUSSION ABOUT POLITICS LOL JK JK IT MIGHT LEAD TO A TEENAGE (LEGAL! 18+) GIRL GIVING YOU DYNAMIC TOP OFF THE STRENGTH. YOU CAN NEVER BE MAD AT #GETTINTIP B. ALSO JUSTIN BIEBER GOT BENZOS ON DECK AND MORE MONEY THAN 4 DUBAIS. SO IF YOU CAN KICK IT WITH BIEBER DO IT AND LEMME KNOW HOW IT WENT.
DON'T: HANG OUT WITH JUSTIN BIEBER
"MERO WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU JUST SAID HANGING OUT WITH JUSTIN BIEBER WAS A DO? HOW IS IT ALSO A DON'T?" OH SHIT LEMME CLARIFY THIS. IF YOU AREN'T WHITE HANGING OUT WITH JUSTIN BIEBER IS A DON'T. "WHY MERO?" BECAUSE BIEBERVELLI COULD HAVE 20 GRAMS OF BOY UP HIS ANAL WILD WILD PAUSE AND IF YOU LOOK LIKE ME THAT SHIT WOULD SOMEHOW BE IN YOUR POSSESSION ACCORDING TO JAKE...THE SHIT'S CURRENTLY UP JUSTIN BIEBER'S ANAL.
TIMELINESS
DO: GET THERE EARLY
EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM, BRUH BRUH. IF YOU ARE THERE EARLY IT WILL BE EASIER FOR YOU TO PLAN WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO. ALSO, YOUR FIRST DAY ANYWHERE IS USUALLY A WASH BECAUSE YOU'RE TIRED OR JET-LAGGED OR WHATEVER, UNLESS YOU TOOK A BUS IN WHICH CASE YOU ARE A WILD SAVAGE AND YOU CAN DO AS YOU PLEASE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY HAVE MURDERED ANOTHER HUMAN BEFORE. ONLY MURDERERS AND STRUGGLING MUSICIANS TAKE GREYHOUND BUSES AROUND THE COUNTRY, B. GET A PLANE TICKET, FAM. THE SHIT LITERALLY COSTS LESS THAN AN XBOX. GROW UP.
DON'T: GET THERE LATE
BRUH, DUE TO POOR PLANNING AND LOGISTICIZING ON YOUR BEHALF NOW YOU'RE STUCK IN A MOTEL LIKE AN HOUR DRIVE AWAY FROM THE ARENA AND THE COOL PART OF NEW ORLEANS. NOW YOU'RE IN THE PART OF NEW ORLEANS WHERE MUTHAFUCKAS EAT SMALL MAMMALS. YOU PROBABLY AIN'T EVEN IN NEW ORLEANS MY PAL. THERE'S NO SIGNS ANYWHERE AND WHEN YOU ASK THE DUDE AT THE FRONT DESK WHERE YOU CAN RENT A CAR/GET SOME LUNCH/PATRONIZE A PROSTITUTE HE JUST GRINS AT YOU AND LICKS HIS ONE TOOTH. THIS SHIT IS LIKE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE ALL OVER AGAIN AND IT'S PURELY BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T GET ON HOTWIRE ON MONDAY INSTEAD OF THURSDAY.
ENJOYING NEW ORLEANS
DO: ENJOY THE FACT THAT THE ASG IS IN NEW ORLEANS
NEW ORLEANS IS FAMOUSLY DEBAUCH MY GUYS. YOU CAN GO OUT THERE AND DRINK ON THE STREET WILD RECKLESS AND SHOW YA TITTIES FOR SOME BEADS. ALL TYPES OF WILD RECKLESS MAMMAL SHIT. YOU'RE HERE FOR BASKETBALL LIKE I SAID BUT NEW ORLEANS IS FAMOUS FOR GETTING SUPER TURNT THE FUCK UP SO WHEN IN ROME...DON'T BE A LIL HOE. GET YOUR DRINK ON AND YOUR SMOKE ON AND GO HOME WITH SUMNA POKE ON. PLUS 5 IF YOU KNOW WHERE THAT'S FROM. (LEAVE IT IN THE COMMENTS)
DON'T: GO OVERBOARD WITH THE PARTYING
MY GUY, YOUR MOTEL ROOM IS IN ANOTHER COUNTY. YOU CAN'T GET STUPID DRUNK AND DRIVE YOUR RENTAL MAZDA3 BACK TO YOUR HOTEL DOWN TREACHEROUS NEW ORLEANS STREETS LINED WITH EXPOSED TITTIES AND PLASTIC JEWELRY. COPS IS OUT SUPER HEAVY BECAUSE THERE IS A BIG EVENT HAPPENING SO KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, LITERALLY. IF YOU GET CAUGHT WITH YAY IN NEW ORLEANS THEY CHOP YOUR DICK OFF. (THAT'S TRUE, GOOGLE IT) JK, NO ITS NOT LOLZ
BEING A FAN
DO: CHEER FOR YOUR FAVORITE PLAYERS
MAN, THIS IS SOME REALLY RARE SHIT. ALL THESE SUPERSTAR BALLERS IN ONE PLACE PLAYING AN EXTREMELY HIGH LEVEL GAME OF 21. NOT TO MENTION THE ALL-STAR PERIPHERAL SHIT LIKE THE 3PT CONTEST AND SKILLS CHALLENGE WHICH ARE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. SO CHEER FOR YOUR FAVORITE GUY. IF YOUR TEAM DOESN'T HAVE ANY REPRESENTATION IN THE ALL-STAR GAME OR WEEKEND AT ALL THEN YOU NEED TO DO BETTER WITH YOUR TEAM SELECTION BECAUSE YOUR SQUAD IS BASURINGTON. SO MAKE A COOL LEBRON ANAGRAM OR SOME SHIT, B. ENJOY YASELF.
DON'T: CALL PLAYERS YOU DISLIKE "N***ERS"
BRUH, YOU CAN'T BE SAYING SHIT LIKE THAT. THESE MUTHAFUCKAS ARE MILLIONAIRES AND THEY WON'T PUT THEY'RE OWN WORK IN LIKE OJ SIMPSON AND TANYA HARDING. THEY'LL GET SOME GOONS TO DO IT WHICH IS EVEN WORSE BECAUSE THIS GUY BEATS PEOPLE UP FOR A LIVING. HE'S NOT REALLY TRYNA HEAR YOU, HE JUST WANTS TO EARN A LIVING. SO DON'T YELL OUT EXTRA FOUL SHIT THAT CAN GET YOU IN TROUBLE. YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA CALL LEBRON A "N***ER F***OT" AND THAT SHIT IS GONNA GO OVER WELL? NAH BROZAY. THAT TYPE OF SHIT IS RESERVED FOR SCREAMING INTO YOUR PILLOW AT HOME YOU LITTLE RACIST DICK.
BACKSTORY
DO: MAKE UP A NICE NARRATIVE FOR YOURSELF
OF COURSE, YOU'RE HERE FOR BASKETBALL BUT YOU ALSO WOULDN'T MIND GETTING SOME CAJUN VAJUN WHILE YOU OUT HERE SO YOU GOTTA HAVE A NICE BACKSTORY. "HOW ABOUT THE TRUTH, MERO?" LEMME TELL YOU WHY THAT DOESN'T WORK, KEVIN. IT DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ASSISTANT MANAGER AT TARGET THAT DOESN'T OWN A CAR AND HAS ONLY HAD 2 GIRLFRIENDS IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. THAT'S NOT COMPELLING, B. YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL YOUR WACK ASS LIFE STORY TO A BITCH NAMED "DIAMOND KITTY" (NO WAY THAT'S HER REAL NAME) AND HAVE HER FOLLOW YOU BACK TO YOUR TERRIFYING HOTEL. YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU WANT OUTCHEA, BRUH BRUH AND SHE CAN BE TOO SO JUST ENJOY EACH OTHERS SEX ORGANS AND DON'T WORRY BOUT NOTHIN'. HOWEVER...
DON'T: GO OVERBOARD WITH YOUR BACKSTORY THESE
THOTS HAVE TRAVELED FROM FAR AND WIDE TO GET SOME NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION PENIS. YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING "MY BEST BET IS TO SAY I PLAY FOR A TEAM" YEAH IT WOULD BE PABLO, IF YOU WERE 6'5" AND WERE COORDINATED. BUT YOU ARE 5'6" AND YOUR BMI IS OUTRAGEOUS SO NOBODY IS GONNA BELIEVE THAT YOU COME OFF THE BENCH FOR THE BOBCATS. EVEN THOUGH NOT EVEN MICHAEL JORDAN CAN NAME ANYONE ON THE BOBCATS.