The 10 Best Ways To Get Out Of A Ticket

The speed limit is technically the legal maximum speed at which one can travel on a given road. In reality, it's more like a baseline speed that is meant to be added to. Everybody under the age of 90 drives five to 10 miles an hour over the limit. Almost everybody will get pulled over for doing so at some point. Getting a speeding ticket sucks by virtue of both the sudden disappearance of beer money and the point on your license. If you live in a state like Texas, at least there are no license points given for speeding, which makes tickets seem more like a “fast tax,” which is somehow more palatable.

But we digress. When those lights start flashing in your rearview mirror, everybody panics a little and starts thinking of a way to not end up getting a ticket out of the experience. Here are some ideas, some less hair-brained than others, for how to make that cop decide that a warning is in order today.

Complex Says: Which cop is more likely to give you a ticket, the calm, secure cop, or the one who has no idea who you are or what you might try? Police officers get killed making routine traffic stops every year, and this is in the back of a cop's mind every time he pulls some guy over. When the cop pulls you over, immediately stop the car, put the keys on the roof without getting out of the car, don't rifle around in the glove compartment, and put your hands on top of the steering wheel. This body language tells the cop that you're not planning on running, you haven't retrieved your grandfather's Colt 1911 .45 from its hiding place, and you are waiting for instruction before doing anything else. Police like it when they know they're probably not going to get shot today.

Complex Says: We know that the vast majority of unintended acceleration cases were caused by people who got the pedals in their car confused. But the average state trooper doesn't know this. When you see the cop pull out from behind you, start accelerating more and then shift into neutral, give it a ton of gas and come to a stop. Once you stop, turn off the car quickly and get ready to say, “I'm just so happy I didn't hit anyone.” Note that getting a tow truck to make your story seem believable might cost more than the ticket, if you don't have some sort of car club membership.

Complex Says: Note that this one won't work in states like Kentucky, where you'll get pulled over just for being out of state. The trick to this one is to not do 130 in the first place. If you get pulled over for doing 70 in a 55 zone, tell the officer you're from out of state. Say that you thought it was a 65mph zone. He's likely to just give you a warning and tell you to be more careful. Act a little shocked that you were going 15 over. You're trying to paint a picture of yourself as the guy everybody hates, who's doing 56 in a 55 and won't get out of the left lane. Remember that if you're driving a car that's registered to you in the state where you're driving, he'll know where you live and how long you've had a car registered in the state. If you try this two miles from your apartment where you've lived for 13 years, you will surely get a ticket.

Complex Says: It doesn't matter if you claim to be having a baby, serving as the best man at a wedding, or saying farewell to your brother before he heads off to join SEAL Team 6, just know where it is that you would be going if this were the truth and be prepared to drive there and go inside just to keep up the charade. Your author once met a guy who got a free lights-flashing trip to the hospital because of this one. Luckily, all of these things could theoretically be happening at a private residence, where you could tell a cop to get a warrant. Remember the details of your story, and don't say that your only brother is joining SEAL Team Six if your 14-year-old brother is going to greet you at the door when you get home.

Complex Says: Cry, sob, put mascara on while the cop is walking to your car just so it can run down your face, tremble uncontrollably, and wet yourself. Make the officer feel like he's stabbing a three-legged, one-eyed chihuahua with gout, mange, and chronic hemorrhoids just so that he can urinate in the wound. The younger and more effeminate you are, the more likely this is to work. If you're a 72-year-old executive in a $2,000 double-breasted Zegna suit, you'll inspire more disgust than pity when the smell of fresh feces starts wafting up from your pants as your tears carry your freshly applied eye-liner down to your old-man jowels.

Complex Says: Believe it or not, this can actually be done. When you get the ticket, take it to court. Assuming that you didn't pull some stupid stunt like the previously mentioned unintended acceleration gambit, you might be able to say legally that you were right and the speed limit was wrong. There's a street in every city where everybody goes 50 but it's zoned as a 35. There's a pretty good chance that the speed limit was last set there in 1953 and that current state law says it should be 45. Lots of people have killed two bird with one stone by getting out of a ticket and by getting a stupidly low speed limit raised.

Complex Says: “Oh my god! Seriously? My speedometer said I was only going four mph over.” Admitting that you were speeding a little will make you seem less like you're full of shit. Claiming this in a 2013 Mercedes S-Class with 17 miles on it will really, really make you seem like you're full of shit. The trick here is to be driving an old Daewoo that's only riding on space saver spare tires, has a Wal-Mart bag for a rear passenger side window, and an old sawed off chair leg for a shift knob.

Complex Says: If you're the kind of guy who likes to wear long leather coats that could be described as “Nazi-ish,” while listening to death metal where the lyric, “three dead cops in the trunk,” might show up, clean up your act as quickly as you can. Take the balaclava off, even if it is your favorite fashion statement. Put your hood down, remove your cap, cover up your tattoo of the demon Belial having sex with a bound goat, and put the Beatles on the radio. Basically, try your best not to look like someone who just might get their kicks murdering prostitutes.

Complex Says: We guarantee that no cop is expecting a person to calmly, apologetically, and respectfully say, “yes, officer, I do know that I was going 81 in a 70.” You have the element of surprise here. Cops spend a lot of time getting sneered at and despised, especially traffic cops, so this will make the officer feel respected, rather than hated. If you were a cop, you'd probably rather give a ticket to the guy who just called you a “pig” under his breath than the guy who calmly admitted that he was going 11mph over the speed limit just like everyone else and didn't try to bullshit you.

Complex Says: We all know this, but it bears repeating. If you have a fine-looking woman in the passenger seat, switch seats with her and unbutton the top few buttons of her shirt. Breasts = male sympathy and affection. The cop knows that his chance of hiding his sausage there is already rather low, but he also knows that giving the sad-looking girl with the perky-looking fun bags a ticket for a few Benjamins will make his chances nose dive to zero immediately.