Image via Complex Original
Today the Toronto Raptors announced that they'll be hosting the 2016 All-Star Game and that Drake is now a global ambassador for the team. That right, the Toronto Raptors just went from the 29th most interesting team to the HOTTEST FUCKING SQUAD IN THE LEAGUE. OK, OK, maybe they're somewhere in the 15-to-20 range now. The point is now that Drizzy is putting his hometown squad on his back, things are going to change. Expect a new look and new feel to the team that has only one one playoff series in its 18-year franchise history. From the dance team being revamped with King of Diamonds strippers to the team going from warming up in tearaway sweats to Cosby sweaters, here are 10 Things Drake Will Change About the Toronto Raptors.
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The dance team will consist of King of Diamonds strippers he saved.
Saving skrippers ain't easy. Having to talk beautiful women with daddy issues out of making hundreds of dollars a night is a tough task. However, they can now focus their energy on millionaire athletes.
Anyone who made fun of Aubrey in high school is off the season tickets list.
"My classmates, they went on to be chartered accountants/Or work with their parents, but thinking back on how they treated me/My high school reunion might be worth an appearance/Make everybody have to go through security clearance."
Those bars are from "Pound Cake/Paris Morton Music 2" on Nothing Was the Same. Haters who threw shots at the old Drake won't be sitting courtside at the Air Canada Centre on the reg. Karma > Trina.
There will be experience showers in the locker room.
Once you get past all the awkward ideas that come to mind when you put an "experience shower" in an NBA locker room, the idea doesn't seem all that bad. Drake first expressed fondness for the showers that cost $2,000 and up in our 2011 cover story. Ten jets, LED lights, lavender scents surrounding you as you get fresh after practice sounds like—*attempts to find phrases other than fun or a good time*—uhh, an experience to us.
Every night is Ladies' Night. Dudes get 50 percent off admission in an attempt to lure them back.
Drake loves the ladies. So it only makes sense that the Toronto native would want as many women as possible attending his favorite team's home games. And what better way to get them then offering a Ladies' Night promotion with special on margaritas, because women love margaritas, and all the Drake-approved R&B a lady could want. And fellas, when you realize that Raptors games are 50 percent off and less of a sausage fest, you can thank him now.
Dada Supreme will provide team sneakers.
It'll be a tough choice between some platinum CDubbz or some Sprees with the spinning rims on the ankle. They should wear one for home games and the other for away games.
There will be wine spritzers instead of beer on tap.
You know what would go great with your hamburger or hot dog, a delicious white wine spritzer. Filled in a white styrofoam cup with no logo and two ice cubes, Drake's alcohol of choice would be crafted to his strict specifications to maximize each adult's level of relaxation and comfort after a hard day, making money.
It's the least Drizzy could do when subjecting the fans to a mediocre team. Plus, the beverage will leave people feeling niiiiiice which will prevent any douchebag-like behavior because in the world of October's Very Own, any and all shots fired are left on the court.
Crying after losses will become acceptable.
Could you imagine how livid LeBron James and company would be if that actually happened? Nobody actually saw it, but when head coach Erik Spoelstra revealed in a postgame conference that members of the team were crying in the locker room after a loss, the ether came quick. If they cried again in the locker room after that, they damn-sure kept that on the down low. Charles Barkley would've probably barked on them again otherwise.
You know Drake is the man if he has the ability to make crying after losing when even King James can't. Soon Skip Bayless is going to find some way to hate on teams who don't cry after a loss. There probably is going to be somebody still hating on the Raptors for crying, prompting Barkley to go on a five-minute rant defending the Raptors. His eyes would be swollen during the speech because he'd have just finished crying for them. Meanwhile, Chris Bosh—who was a Raptor—is just going to retire from basketball in a fit of rage.
The new logo will be an OVO owl.
OVO merch is hot on the streets. Knife fights will be started for new Raptor jersey. Who cares that they'll be bottom feeders in the East? It's all about that O-V-O.
New Warm-Up Sweaters
Both haters and fans of Drizzy know of his affinity for sweaters. The standard tearaway warm-ups need a new look. Waiting in the layup line in a cozy Cosby sweater will only inspire Toronto's players to give it their all.
The Pregame Playlist
This advantage isn't even fair. Could you imagine if Drake descended from the rafters in the home opener to perform? He touches down and the camera closes up on a singular shot of his mug, which is the only thing visible in a now darkened arena. You look at your television screen or up at the jumbotron and see a single tear roll down his cheek. He then stoically says "Started." Drake doesn't even perform the whole song; he just says "Started" and then ascends back into the rafters, inspiring hundreds of thousands in the process.
Later in the game, Rudy Gay gives a facial with a windmill dunk and starts crying uncontrollably. He points up to the rafters and screams "THIS IS FOR YOU DRAKE!" A legend is then born.
Of course if none of that happens, the Raptors still have "Headlines," "The Motto," "Over," "Started From the Bottom," and more to hype them up before the game. Not as epic, but it gets the job done.