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Intro
UFC 133 is a win or get cut event. UFC bossman, Dana White, doesn't suffer mediocre fighters lightly and this is one of those cards that pits up-and-comers against seasoned veterans. Will the kids break through to the elite level or will the vets defend the top of the mountain?
With the exception of the main event, Rashad Evans (20-1-1) vs. Tito Ortiz (17-8-1), UFC 133 isn't a star-packed affair. However, all the match-ups are intriguing because they're even on paper. Paper doesn't fight people. People fight people. But a card of fair ones can be better than a card of famous ones. Even matches are always more exciting: fewer decisions, more people getting knocked the f**k out and laid to bed like toddlers. Night-night, son. Send us a postcard from your new job at Arby's.
If you can't make it here, you can't make it anywhere.
By Orlando Lima (@limachips)
5. Rory "The Water Boy" MacDonald vs Mike "Quicksand" Pyle
Rory "The Water Boy" MacDonald vs Mike "Quicksand" Pyle
Better Nickname: MacDonald. We've all seen The Water Boy. We all love The Water Boy. How much you want to bet when MacDonald enters the ring everyone in the greater Philly area will be screaming, "You can do it!"
Inside Scoop, MacDonald: He looks 14 and was considered a prodigy until he got bucked by Carlos Condit, two fights ago. In his last fight he won a convincing decision. It's going to take more than boyish good looks to get past Pyle.
Inside Scoop, Pyle: This dude has been fighting since Tears for Fears was topping the charts. We kid. We kid. He's 35 but he doesn't have a ton of miles on the odometer. Will the kid gas him out?
Prediction: Aside from his slip up against Condit, where he was winning until the gastank hit E, MacDonald looks better and better each fight. He's got that quiet Canadian kid swag like GSP. Pyle has more powerful hands but MacDonald has better jiu-jitsu. MacDonald wears out Pyle and wins by submission.
4. Jorge "El Conquistador" Rivera vs Constantinos "Costa" Phillippou
Jorge "El Conquistador" Rivera vs Constantinos "Costa" Phillippou
Meaner Tattoos: Rivera. Not sure why he got that tat of a hobbit on his chest but it's menacing in a "stop looking at me" kinda way. Fighting him and his chest tat is like fighting two people instead of one.
Inside Scoop, Rivera: He's long in the tooth and not too technical but he knows how to knock people unconscious. He's got a great chin even though he didn't show it in his last fight where he lost to the suspect Michael Bisping by TKO. Expect him to square up and throw hard strikes.
Inside Scoop, Phillippou: He's new to the UFC game and in his previous fight, he lost to Nick Catone in an uninspired decision. One second... had to get that yawn out of the system. Damn his last fight stunk. Needless to say, Phillippou has a lot to prove.
Prediction: Rivera, son. Are you kidding me? Phillippou's striking defense is rated 47%. Meaning, he eats more than half the blows thrown at him. Unless his chin is made of adamantium (what up Wolverine!), he's goin' down.
Dennis "Superman" Hallman vs Brian "Bad Boy" Ebersole : ebersole by decision
Dennis "Superman" Hallman vs Brian "Bad Boy" Ebersole
Better Nickname: Hallman. This is a toss up. Both these nicknames suck. But it would be funny if Hallman, after throwing his opponent a beating, said in his post-fight interview, "I Superman-ed that ho! Shout out to Soulja Boy for my theme music!"
Inside Scoop, Ebersole: This dude is on some snake-in-monkey's-shadow technique type shit. His attacks are mad unconventional but he's effective. Just ask his last opponent, tough guy Chris Lytle, who got peppered more than a pot of New Orleans jambalaya.
Inside Scoop, Hallman: Don't call it a comeback, Hallman's been here for years.... Literally. At age 35, with 80 fights to his name, the guy can tell you what the Reagan administration was like. High unemployment... kinda like now. But he fights younger than his age or his experience and he can take a punch like a sangria jug.
Prediction: Both guys have said they intend to bang. For some reason we're not convinced that's gonna happen. Ebersole is hard to hit and Hallman is easy to hit (46% striking defense). So Hallman has to focus on takedowns to win. Hallman gets Ebersole to the ground but it ain't easy because his opponent can wrestle. He tries to finish by submission but he doesn't get it. Still Hallman, wins by decision. Talk about winning one for the Gipper.
Vitor "The Phenom" Belfort vs Yoshihiro "Sexyama" Akiyama
Vitor "The Phenom" Belfort vs Yoshihiro "Sexyama" Akiyama
Better Talk Game: Gotta go with Akiyama. He calls himself Sexyama and appears to fancy himself a ladies man. Look out Rick Yune, there's a new snazzy asian bad guy in town. Sexyama doesn't speak a lot of English but his press conferences are always hilarious. Vitor, on the other hand, just wants you to know about Jesus. I feel you homes, times were tough, but we'll pass on the spiritual advice 'til we catch up with the Dalai Lama.
Inside Scoop, Belfort: Ripley's believe it not, Vitor was the champion of this fight game before there were weight classes. No one wanted to fight him because he was knocking fools out in 20 seconds flat. Then he disappeared to deal with personal issues. Thanks to the Notorious G.O.D., he's back. That's right, he found Jesus. But turnabout is fair play and in his last fight, against Anderson Silva, he took a front kick to the fa-che three minutes into the fight and when he woke up he was in his dressing room. It was a real "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste" kinda moment. This is it for Belfort. If he can't win here he's headed back to Brazil and going into the coconut water business.
Inside Scoop, Akiyama: This dude came over from Japan with a lot of fanfare. It didn't last long. He picked up two victories then got submitted by Chris Leben and lost a unanimous decision to Michael Bisping. That puts him squarely in the "file under mediocre" pile. His press conference talk game is entertaining but he hasn't shown much in the octagon. If he can't beat Belfort, who appears to be past his prime, he doesn't belong in the UFC.
Prediction: Belfort has looked timid since his return. Too much church or something. What happened to the dude who at age 19, was finishing cats with strikes in sub-60-second matches? You're not gonna see that guy but we do expect Vitor to find Akiyama's chin and finish him before the end of the second round... if not sooner.
"Suga" Rashad Evans vs "The Huntington Beach Bad Boy" Tito Ortiz
"Suga" Rashad Evans vs "The Huntington Beach Bad Boy" Tito Ortiz
Better Talk Game: Both these dudes are known for their banter but Evans got this, no question. He talks more trash than the CEO of Waste Management. In a pre-fight interview he said, "Tito is an entertainer. I'm a fighter." Wow. Calling a dude a pro wrestler. What was that Guru said, "Take it personal."
Inside Scoop, Evans: This dude can wrestle and he's got some powerful hail mary strikes, but a few fights back the wheels came off his career. Lyoto Machida tested his chin and demonstrated it was, in fact, made of tissue paper. Since that match he's been fighting tentative, protecting that chin, and he still nearly got knocked out twice. Without a win against Tito, he slides way out of title contention.
Inside Scoop, Ortiz: Tito Ortiz, Tito Ortiz... where to begin. When the UFC first broke out weight classes, Tito was THE GUY at light heavyweight. He took that Mark Coleman ground-and-pound style and made it famous. But it's been awhile and he hasn't won a significant fight in... um... yeah, it's been that long. His record for his last six fights is 1-4-1. Recent back surgery probably hasn't helped much either. On the bright side, that one victory came in his last fight when he tapped out Ryan Bader.
Prediction: Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's Time! Main event, peoples. This is a rematch from a few years back when Rashad was new to the game and Tito was trying to make his first comeback. That match ended in a draw, though many people gave it to Evans. Since then, Tito has gotten worse and while the gaps in Rashad's armor have been exposed, the guy still only has one loss.
These two are almost the same fighter except Rashad is now what Tito was in his prime. Evans absolutely has to win this match if he hopes to contend for the light heavyweight title again. Fueled by his newfound hatred of current champ Jon Jones, Rashad gets it done with superior wrestling and striking.
Last time Evans fought a dude who was over the hill, he iced "The Iceman" Chuck Liddell with a one-punch KO. This time he takes it to the floor to protect his glass jaw and gets a late stoppage from ground and pound. Take a good look at the picture above. It's gonna be like that but worse.
It's all good Tito, we used to love you... not so much anymore. Good thing wifey (Jenna Jameson) is sitting on millions. Being a house husband won't be that bad.