Image via Complex Original
We all dream of watching a supermodel walk down the aisle and sit in the seat next to you. Unfortunately, that dream almost never happens. Being on a plane these days can be a pretty gnarly experience, especially if you get stuck next to the guy who is stringing together seat-belts to fit around his 74-inch waist. Today, we count down the 10 worst characters to get sit next to on a plane. From the nervous flyer to the gum smacker, we touch all bases.
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The Drunkard
This guy has been downing jack and cokes since the airport bar. He seems nice enough, but wait until he gets up in your grill and tells you about his shitty job, busted wife, and cadre of overweight children. It's like walking up to a bar sober and having some lonely dude snuggle up next to you while you're waiting for your drink. Except you can't dip or set.
The Nervous Flyer
This person lets out a whimper at every bump and creek. God forbid the flight hits turbulence - they will be saying hail marys before the captain turns the seat-belt sign on. And don't waste your breath trying to calm them down. If they'rein that type of state, nothing you're going to say is going to help. Maybe slip a sleeping pill into their club soda and knock 'em out. Just kidding. Don't ever put pill into anybody's drinks without them knowing.
The Smelly Cat
You could sit next to a the nicest gentleman you've ever met, but if he smells, he is instantly your worst enemy. You think it was bad that one time you got into a urine-scented subway car? Imagine that for three solid hours. Whether it's body odor, egg and onion-infused farts, stinky feet, or good old fashioned stank breath, a flight without crisp, clean air to breathe is one of the worst things ever.
The "I Have an Unknown Disease" Guy
There is nothing more disconcerting than watching guy next to you hack up a lung as creepy droplets of sweat slide down his overheated cheeks. Of course, he inevitably tells you that he has recently returned from a strange African country.
The Shifter With a Weak Bladder
This nervous individual just can't seem to settle down. Every few seconds he or she attempts a brief, yet horribly distracting, shift in their seat. Then, when that person finally gets comfortable, his or her body sets off the tinkle time alarm clock. There is nothing more annoying than someone who gets up a zillion times to take a piss (especially if your crap turkey sandwich has just arrived and you're about to dig in).
The Guy That Thinks Your Shoulder is an Armrest
What's wrong with these guys? Don't they know how to keep their heads from plummeting to your shoulder? If you're really that tired, you should be buying one of those weird head pillows to make sure you stay in your lane. Then comes the question of how to wake them up without touching their bloated faces. Usually a quick shoulder jerk will do the trick.
Or maybe set your headphones around your neck anad blast the angriest Eminem track you can find. If nothing else that person will have some crazy violent dream in which his his plane crashes into the side of a mountain and he's forced to eat his own arm. That should wake him.
The Horse Chomper
There are few things worse than hearing your seat partner smack and chew one zillion pieces of Trident. Hearing your seat partner munch on some disgusting-smelling food, all while spilling nasty crumbs all over you leg, is one of those few things. Pray your new pal ate before getting on board.
The Guy That Should Have Bought Two Tickets
Sure, we all could stand to lose a few pounds. We don't have anything against being gluttonous. We do it all the time (ice cream for dinner ftw). What other people do with their bodies and health is also none of our business (word to Bloomberg and his soda bans). But when it affects our comfort and our ability to breath in clean-smelling air, we get defensive. We're tall, so the seating is already not the most appropriate fit, and watching a two-ton man wedge himself into the seat next to you is almost worse than finding out your favorite baseball player is juicing.
Person With a Baby
Sitting next to somebody is basically like sitting next to a ticking time bomb (not in the sense that your plane is going to get blown up, but in the respect that eventually (there will be an eventually) that baby will all of a sudden decide to be a little shit and cry his or her eyes out. You might be lucky to have noise-canceling headphones, but even those don't completely block everything. And headphones can't block the image of a baby spitting up on itself or the smell of one pooping. Pray you can sit in peace.
The Diva
When you see her long legs slide into the cramped seat next to you, your eyebrow involuntairly spikes. "Finally, I get lucky on a four-hour flight," you think to yourself. She seems kind of attractive in that drunk-at-the-club, slutty kind of way with her Ugg boots and tight pink sweatpants. Unfortunately, you're not drunk (yet), and you're not at a club. And the mile-high club attempt is just way too risky considering the consequenses these days.
As soon as she's done stuffing her LV bag up top, she opens her mouth and eagerly launches into every detail of her horribly uninteresting life. Just put your headphones in or go to sleep or read the back of the safety pamphlet. All of the above will be more enjoyable.