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Let’s face it—NFL contracts often make literally no sense whatsoever. Unless you are: a.) a top draft pick; b.) you sign a convoluted, but salary-cap-friendly deal (see: Drew Brees); or c.) the franchise that signed you has no clue what it’s doing (see: Kirk Cousins), much of the money isn’t guaranteed.
Long-term security is often exchanged for major up-front paydays or signing bonuses, and some contracts even void themselves if players reach certain benchmarks for games played or snaps taken. In fact, NFL contracts are so complex, difficult to decipher, and predicated on rich, old white dudes exploiting minorities, that they might resemble Donald Trump’s tax returns. (Zing!)
Loopholes and unguaranteed earnings notwithstanding, these guys are paid. Seriously. The minimum NFL salary for 2017 will be $465,000—16% more than the President—and it’s set to increase by another $15K each year. And those are just the scrubs. The average NFL player salary is around $1.9 million, not including incentives, signing bonuses, endorsements, or any other means of income.
Last summer, when NBA teams were handing out absurdly high contracts to seemingly random players—like the famously mediocre Mike Conley landing the most lucrative contract in league history—Broncos Pro Bowl safety T.J. Ward tweeted, “We getting peanuts compared to these NBA and MLB cats!” Friendly reminder that T.J. Ward earned over 100 times more than the average school teacher in 2016.
But who am I to judge? These guys earn it—they put their health and general well-being on the line every time they take the field, and we all gladly do our part in helping foot the bill by downing 11 Bud Lights before 6pm every Sunday from September to February.
In the end, it doesn’t really matter whether you think they’re overpaid or underpaid—everyone wants to know who is the most paid in football. Let’s take a look at the highest-paid players in the NFL, ranked by salary per season. Spoiler alert: They’re all quarterbacks.
Andrew Luck
Average salary: $24,594,000
Andrew Luck is quite possibly the most boring dude ever. The two-time Heisman Trophy runner-up out of Stanford was one of the most hyped college players to ever enter the NFL Draft, and since being picked by the Colts, has basically just shut up and done his job. So, it came as little surprise when he signed a six-year extension in 2016 that made him the league’s highest-paid player.
Drew Brees
Average salary: $24,250,000
Despite his presumably lucrative business of owning nine New Orleans-area Jimmy Johns franchises, this guy has earned an estimated $181 million over the course of his 16-season, ten-time Pro Bowl, Hall-of-Fame career. Although if I were Roger Goodell, I’d personally fine him for naming his kids Baylen, Bowen, Callen, and Rylen. Good luck figuring out which one is the daughter.
Kirk Cousins
Average salary: $23,943,600
Despite Cousins offering, in 2016, to sign for $19 million over four years with $11 million guaranteed per year, the Redskins have for some reason opted to exercise the franchise tag option on their quarterback in each of the past two offseasons, paying out $44 million over two years, all guaranteed. The latest in a long tradition of questionable moves made by majority owner Dan Snyder makes Kirk Cousins the third highest-paid player in the NFL.
Joe Flacco
Average salary: $22,133,333
The Ravens quarterback is mostly known for being just good enough to allow Baltimore’s all-time-great defense to advance to three AFC Championship games in five years, and eventually a Super Bowl victory in 2013. That was good enough for the Ravens’ ownership, who tossed Flacco a six-year, $120 million contract that offseason. Since then, the Ravens have gone an impressive 31-33 over four seasons.
Aaron Rodgers
Average salary: $22,000,000
Aaron Rodgers has it all: a cannon for an arm, pinpoint accuracy, two NFL MVP awards, a Super Bowl ring, and a remarkably impressive dating resume for someone who looks like he should be working at Taco Bell. Whatever the Packers pay him, State Farm probably discount-doubles it.
Russell Wilson
Average salary: $21,900,000
The sixth quarterback selected in the 2012 NFL Draft, Russell Wilson has quickly established himself as one of the most talented young quarterbacks in the game, leading the Seahawks to playoff appearances in all five of his pro seasons. He is also married to Ciara, which would be a lot cooler in 2004 when Wilson was a sophomore in high school, but is still pretty cool now.
Ben Roethlisberger
Average salary: $21,850,000
The Steelers two-time Super Bowl champion QB and 13-year veteran is like a machine that never breaks down—when he isn’t injured or serving intermittent suspensions for violating the league’s conduct policy and/or a wide variety of municipal ordinances. Still, Big Ben continues to produce when he’s on the field, earning his fifth career Pro Bowl selection in 2016 at the age of 35.
Carson Palmer
Average salary: $21,000,000
It’s been a long, interesting, and often tumultuous journey for Carson Palmer since being drafted first overall out of USC in the 2003 NFL Draft by Cincinnati. But the journeyman ginger has undergone a renaissance in Arizona, putting in some of his all-time best seasons in the twilight of his career—you know, besides that whole imploding for six turnovers in the 2015 NFC Championship thing.
Eli Manning
Average salary: $21,000,000
Everyone makes fun of Eli Manning. He lacks the skill, charm, universal respect, and Papa Johns endorsements that Peyton supporters have flaunted in his face since he arrived in the league in 2004. But guess what, suckers? He’s the only QB on this list who is a two-time Super Bowl MVP (looking at you, Mr. Bundchen).
Philip Rivers
Average salary: $20,812,500
Next up, fittingly, is the guy San Diego traded for when Eli refused to sign with them after the 2004 NFL Draft. It might be the biggest travesty in the NFL today that Philip Rivers has played in a grand total of nine playoff games over the course of his 13-year career. The criminally underrated QB, who hasn’t missed a game since George W. Bush was in the White House, is eighth all-time in career passer rating.
Cam Newton
Average salary: $20,760,000
Whether reinventing what it means to be a dual-threat quarterback, devising creative new ways of violating various academic or ethical standards at different colleges, or rocking a male romper at Coachella, Cam Newton has always been ahead of the curve. The dynamic young Panthers quarterback is easily one of the most fun players in the game to watch, and appears poised to dominate the NFC South for years to come.
Matt Ryan
Average salary: $20,750,000
Tough-luck Matty Ice finally had things break his way in 2016 after a series of disappointing finishes for his Atlanta Falcons to begin his career. The Boston College product hit career highs in touchdowns, passing yards, and completion percentage en route to his first-ever NFL MVP and Super Bowl appearance. It goes without saying that Super Bowl LI ended in further heartbreak for Ryan and the Falcons, but Atlanta’s ridiculously scary offense should give him a half-decent chance at a return appearance.