Image via Complex Original
1.
The Lakers' first preseason game tipped off last night, with Kobe Bryant leading the Purple and Gold to a 98-95 victory over the Denver Nuggets. Sounds like a typical Lakers game, right? Check out the box score first.
Gone are the days of Pau Gasol, Metta World Peace, and Derek Fisher. Even familiar faces from last year's struggling squad like Chris Kaman, Jordan Farmar, and Jodie Meeks have parted ways with the Lakers organization. For a finally-healthy Kobe Bryant entering the 19th year of his career, the Lakers appear to be gearing up for the 2014-15 season and a long Western Conference playoff position battle with a team of, well, nobodies.
But if we know The Mamba like we think we know The Mamba, running with a team of flunkies won't phase him a bit. When life hands Kobe lemons, he makes lemonade then practices at 4 a.m. to make sure the next batch tastes even better. Doesn't matter that his point guards are Jeremy Lin and a body that used to house Steve Nash. Doesn't matter that Carlos Boozer is his best low-post threat. Doesn't matter that he knows literally none of their real names. KB is the lead and everyone else is a backup singer at best.
He may not know everyone on the roster, but he'll probably learn who they are eventually. Until he gets those little details down, let's all enjoy Kobe Bryant's Nicknames For His No-Name Teammates.
2.Keith Appling
Age: 22
Position: PG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: N/A
Real Nickname: "Chief Keith"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Hey, you!"
"Hey, Kobe!"
"Hey...you!"
3.Carlos Boozer
Age: 32
Position: PF
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 13.7 PPG, 8.3 RPG
Real Nickname: "Booze"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Carlos Loser," "Hairtastrophe"
"The high pick & roll is ours all year if you want it. I'll open up for the pass around the dotted circle then you could--"
"Somebody please tell Hairtastrophe I don't talk to has-beens."
4.Jabari Brown
Age: 21
Position: SG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: N/A
Real Nickname: "J.B.," "Downtown Jabari Brown"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Shannon Brown"
"Any advice on what I can do to up my game, Kobe?"
[Checks back of jersey] "Shannon Brown...you still here?"
5.Jordan Clarkson
Age: 22
Position: PG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: N/A
Real Nickname: "J"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Clarkson" (Kobe doesn't acknowledge his first name)
"What's up? Name's Kobe."
"Man I know who you are. I'm Jordan."
"What?"
"Jordan."
"What?"
"Jordan."
"WHAT?"
"Jor-dan."
".................what?"
"Clarkson...?"
"Nice to meet you, Clarkson."
6.Ed Davis
Age: 25
Position: PF
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 5.7 PPG, 4.1 RPG
Real Nickname: "Big Boss Man," "Honest Ed"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Who?"
"Ed Davis was wide open on that play, Kobe!"
"Who?"
7.Wayne Ellington
Age: 26
Position: SG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 3.2 PPG, 1.0 RPG
Real Nickname: "Waynemaker"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Gatorade, please."
[Sitting together on bench] "Hell of a pass, Mamba."
"Oh, hey, uh...Gatorade, please. Orange."
8.Xavier Henry
Age: 23
Position: SF
Joined Lakers In: 2013
2013-2014 Stats: 10.0 PPG, 2.7 RPG
Real Nickname: "Professor X"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Professor eX-Laker if you don't pass me the motherfuckin' ball," "D-League"
[Kobe grumbling to himself after Xavier Henry layup]
"Nobody paid their money to see YOU get buckets, D-League!"
9.Jordan Hill
Age: 27
Position: PF
Joined Lakers In: 2011
2013-2014 Stats: 9.7 PPG, 7.4 RPG
Real Nickname: "The Garbage Man"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Waka Flocka Lame," "Hill" (Kobe doesn't acknowledge his first name)
"We've actually been through a lot, Hill."
"...And yet you still can't call me by my first name?"
"What name was that again?"
"Jordan."
"What?"
"JORDAN."
"What was that?"
"Jor–...fuck it. I'm not doing this again."
10.Wesley Johnson
Age: 27
Position: SF
Joined Lakers In: 2013
2013-2014 Stats: 9.1 PPG, 4.4 RPG
Real Nickname: "Definitely," "Wes"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Hey, Wiz Khalifa, give me the ball."
"Hey, Wiz Khalifa, give me the ball."
[Wes turns to another teammate] "Literally every time."
11.Ryan Kelly
Age: 23
Position: PF
Joined Lakers In: 2013
2013-2014 Stats: 8.0 PPG, 3.7 RPG
Real Nickname: "The White Raven"
What Kobe Calls Him: "The Trainer"
"Hey, Kobe. Should I pivot off my left or my right foot here?"
"Why is The Trainer asking me for low-post advice?"
12.Jeremy Lin
Age: 26
Position: PG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 12.0 PPG, 4.1 APG, 2.6 RPG
Real Nickname: "Linsanity"
What Kobe Calls Him: *Two claps* *Hands extended asking for ball*
"Run set piece number one! Kobe–set piece one, remember? Run to the corner–"
*Two claps* *Hands extended asking for ball*
13.Steve Nash
Age: 40
Position: PG
Joined Lakers In: 2012
2013-2014 Stats: 6.8 PPG, 5.7 APG
Real Nickname: "Air Canada"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Backiotomy," "Maple Steve the MVP Thief"
"Kobe, I really think if you took up morning beach stretching it would help with both your stress levels and overall soreness."
"Is Dr. Backiotomy really giving me health tips? Here's a tip: stop stealing money from the Lakers organization. That's my job."
14.Ronnie Price
Age: 31
Position: PG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 2.4 PPG, 2.1 APG
Real Nickname: "Ronnie"
What Kobe Calls Him: He doesn't.
"Great defense, Kobe!"
[Kobe stares at him in the eye, confused] [Walks away]
15.Julius Randle
Age: 19
Position: PF
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: N/A
Real Nickname: "The Black Panther"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Black Pau"
"Wanna get something to eat after practice, Kob?"
[Looks away] "Somebody tell Black Pau his Spanish is terrible."
16.Robert Sacre
Age: 25
Position: C
Joined Lakers In: 2012
2013-2014 Stats: 5.4 PPG, 3.9 RPG
Real Nickname: "Baby Joker"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Pitbull," "Mr. 305," "Mr. Worldwide," "Dale!"
"So, Kobe, are you finally ready to stop comparing me to Pitbull? I don't even look like him really."
"Yeah, time to cut out the bullshit this season. No more jokes."
"Really??"
"Haha, nope. DALE!" [Kobe presses button at practice, confetti rains from the rafters as Timber plays and everybody dances with Bud Light.]
17.Roscoe Smith
Age: 23
Position: SG
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: N/A
Real Nickname: "Hard Worker"
What Kobe Calls Him: "Happy To Be Here"
"So you're Happy To Be Here, huh?"
"Actually, Mr. Bryant, I plan on giving everything I have to make this team–"
"Shiiiiit....we'll see."
18.Jeremy Tyler
Age: 23
Position: PF
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 3.6 PPG, 2.7 RPG
What Kobe Calls Him: "League Minimum"
"Wow, I just caught a practice alley-oop from Kobe Bryant!"
"Consider it a gift to tell your cubicle buddies about in a few years, League Minimum."
19.Nick Young
Age: 29
Position: SG/SF
Joined Lakers In: 2014
2013-2014 Stats: 17.9 PPG, 2.6 RPG
Real Nickname: "Swaggy P"
What Kobe Calls Him: "The Ballhog Who Keeps Playing 'Fancy'," "Mr. Iggy Azalea"
"Yo look, it's Mr. Iggy Azalea!"
"You think that's offensive, Kobe, but how can Swaggy P be offended when he goes home to all that ass?"