Image via Complex Original
Last week, DeSean Jackson wore a pair of customized "caution tape" cleats during his pregame routine to "start a dialogue about the senseless killings of both citizens and police." It's worth noting that Jackson didn't wear the cleats during the actual game, because if he did he probably would've been hit with a hefty "uniform violation" fine. The NFL is notoriously strict when it comes to uniformity, and in the past has fined players for wearing anything individualistic. They fined William Gay $5,787 for purple cleats intended to support victims of domestic violence, Brandon Marshall $10,500 for a pair of green cleats intended to support mental health awareness, and Antonio Brown $9,115 for a light blue pair with his number on them.
Funny enough, Antonio Brown wore a pair of custom cleats paying respect to recently-deceased golf great Arnold Palmer—IN AN ACTUAL GAME—and didn't receive any fine. Why? Because if the NFL decides they like your cleats (and if you tell them in advance), they'll let you rock. But that's only if the league approves of the design, which, unless it pays homage to a dead golf legend, probably won't happen.
So we decided to come up with some designs the NFL is sure to love. Fool-proof custom cleats that are wholesome and awful enough to be accepted by the richest and most conservative sports league in the country.
Make Touchdowns Great Again!
Image via Complex Original
The NFL doesn't understand all that dancing and twerking nonsense. What happened to the good old days when guys just did their jobs and handed the ball to the ref and weren't starting trouble with all this "stop the police from killing unarmed people" stuff?
The Anti-Brady
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell hates two things: concussion research and the New England Patriots. He suspended Tom Brady four games for under-inflating footballs in a game the Pats won 45-7. Goodell's fiery hatred for Brady burns eternal like the Olympic flame.
TROOPS!
TROOOOOOOOOPS! GO TROOPS! SUPPORT 'EM! JOIN 'EM! (PLEASE JOIN 'EM ACTUALLY BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT PAYS THE NFL ADVERTISING MONEY TO GET MORE RECRUITS.) U-S-A! U-S-A!
The Pumpkin Spice
What's more wholesome and acceptable to the most boring Americans than pumpkin spice? The NFL probably LOVES pumpkin spice. Don't be shocked when they realize there's more money in Pumpkin Spice Month than Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Kaepernick Hugging a Cop
If there's one thing the NFL would love, it would be Colin Kaepernick announcing that racism is officially over and hugging police officers from the Bay to NYC. Since that'll never happen, this personalized cleat is the next best thing. Goodell probably owns a pair of Steph Curry 2 lows with this design.