Image via Complex Original
Ahh, the Department of Motor Vehicles ... Is there a worse place on earth? Well, perhaps the outer core, because of all the magma, but that's about it. The mere thought of visiting the DMV sends grown adults into psychotic fits. For the longest time, Dave Matthews Band having the abbreviation DMB hindered their success because it sounded too much like "DMV." People rioted and cried before nary a fiddle note could be fiddled. A visit to the DMV seldom goes well. Easy trips exist but are BASEDGOD rare.
Between the cramped environment, the uncomfortable heat, the hours of standing and the droves of ne'er-do-wells, it's difficult to find any bright spots. We can't guarantee you a higher percentage of perfect visits by reading this, but the knowledge contained herein can help you identify potential trouble-makers and nullify their impact on your trip. Here is our list of The 10 People You See at the DMV.
The Person Who Brought Three Crying Children
The old adage is that "Children should be seen and not heard," but that rarely holds true in 2013. Don't get us wrong; kids need to be kids. There's no problem with them causing a ruckus at the zoo, mall, theme parks and parades - places that are designed to be loud. However, making a child stand silently in line or sit in place for an hour borders on cruelty. Maybe this person's schedule doesn't allow them to be able to go to the DMV before, after or during work. Maybe this person tried his or her best to find someone to watch the kids while they ran this errand because they wanted to be courteous to others. Then again, probably not.
It's already trying on the nerves to stand in line at the DMV. Add to that a tiny gang of hooligans throwing tantrums, complaining, yelling and crying, and we'd rather be sent to Guantanamo. Ultimately, the parental unit will engage in one of two equally frustrating behaviors: ignore the children while they talk on their phone (leaving it up to others to police them) or attempt to corral the children by repeatedly yelling their names to no avail. "Aiden! Jaden! Brayden! Aiden! Jaden! Brayden! Aiden! Jaden! Brayden!" It starts to sound like a Migos chorus after awhile, but it's nowhere near as enjoyable. All we can hope for is that they pass out from exhaustion or slip and bust their head, requiring medical attention. Nothing serious. Just scary enough for them to leave and give us respite.
The Person Who Tries To Cut Everybody
The Line Cutters are sociopaths. They care not about decorum; their only goal is to work their way up in the line. This entity shows up late on Saturday on purpose. They play by their own rules. If the DMV has a ticket system, they'll attempt to go up ahead of a family with kids and take their spot knowing they'll be slow to get to the counter because they have to gather their kids, toys, strollers, etc.
If the DMV has a roped-off, formal line, The Line Cutters will argue that someone who steps out to go to the bathroom cannot have their spot back. They will find any excuse to expel people from the line. They'll investigate a fight between line-waiters or try to bum-rush the front with a transparent excuse about exigent circumstances. They might even break out some advanced cut techniques not seen since elementary school, such as a covert cut or the ever-so-politically-incorrect Chinese cut. There is nothing this person will not do. Stay woke, dog. To defeat this foe, simply call them on their bullshit. They'll shy away from confrontation and retreat. Tell em to cut it out like Dave Coulier, and they will.
The Person Who Came Completely Unprepared
We've all dealt with these types of people in our lives. Our first encounter with them was in kindergarten where they asked to borrow some crayons because they forgot theirs. Those crayons were never seen again. We still have trust issues because of this.
The Unprepared causes the most frustration because they knew they needed to do something at the DMV and didn't bother researching anything about it. They stood in line for a substantial amount of time without figuring anything out (they do the same at fast food restaurants). Finally, they get to the counter, and they don't have the right forms (which have to be printed). It turns out that they were in the wrong line! Instead of sending them to the correct line, the employee decides to take care of their issue, but because it's not something they normally do, they have to bring over other employees to help, which, in turn, slows up your line.
They forgot their wallet, so they have to get special permission to take a credit card over the phone to pay for their stuff. In total, The Unprepared takes five times longer than a normal individual, prolonging your ability to leave (and subsequently your happiness). If you notice an Unprepared, strike up a conversation and ask what they are here to do to enlighten them early on in the wait if they are going to need something special. Also, don't, under any circumstances, let them borrow your crayons.
The Apathetic Teller
Many DMV employees are hard workers; many more are not. The apathetic teller are real life versions of The Simpsons character Selma Bouvier: quick to take a break but slow to end it, lazy and rude. We can certainly sympathize with DMV employees- having to deal with thousands of people a day who are irritating and rude themselves. But, after all, this is their job. It's what they signed up for. Their performance could at least be satisfactory.
The apathetic workers will make sure their line moves slowly, and chide whatever unfortunate soul isn't intimately acquainted with the processes. Weren't aware you were supposed to bring your REG 227 with you? They will make a big deal about having to print it out. Mix up a REG 343 with a REG 256? They will belittle you. Best bet is if it looks like your place in the queue aligns with them, give your spot to the guy has to get back to work.
The Teen Who Failed Their First Written Examination
Though adults shudder with terror at the thought of visiting the DMV, teens see the DMV as the promised land; their first step towards real freedom. As we all tend to do, this Teen counted their chickens before they hatched and told every friend within social media earshot that they would be in possession of a learner's permit. The day came, and they failed the written test. He or she waited the mandatory seven-day waiting period, and failed it a second time (claiming to have gotten 37 questions right out of 46 ... only one too few).
Now here he or she is. Three weeks removed from the original date getting the permit was possible. One "F" away from being a laughing stock. The look of stress is obvious, and it's not just because a parent had to drive. Help them relax by offering some words of encouragement.
The Teen Who Failed Their First Road Test
Similar to The Teens Who Failed Their Written Examination, The Teen Who Failed His or Her Road Test is easy to identify because of their nervousness, but this particular breed of teen made sure to bedeck themselves in full regalia with the hopes of having the perfect driver's license photo. They didn't just roll out of bed on a Saturday like the rest of us. Their hair is coiffed perfectly. The difference between a Teen Who Failed the Road Test and A Teen Taking the Road Test For The First Time is that a TWFTRT's body language shows indifference and incredulity. "I can't believe I have to take this again. The instructor had it out for me. Uh, whatever."
Usually, this Teen ends up being the clueless high schooler who backs a 5-Series BMW into your car in a parking lot and doesn't leave a note. He or she eventually grow into an adult who "may or may not have" been "but probably wasn't" involved in an unreported hit-and-run (They'll rationalize and swear it was deer, but it wasn't a deer. It was a human being.). Do not help them. Do not assuage their uneasiness. In fact, make it worse. Instill a crippling fear of driving in their brain. Make it so they cry at the thought of an automobile. Future generations will thank you because the roads will be infinitely more safe.
The Person With Hygiene Deficiencies
One of life's mysteries is that some people don't know they smell terrible. What's even more obfuscating is that some people know they smell terrible and don't care. One of these muck-covered individuals is legally obligated to be at the DMV at all times. It was mandated by Congress in 2010. We know; it sucks. But what can be done? When you get stuck behind this person in line for two hours, you will immediately regret every life decision that brought you to the DMV at that exact moment. The good news? You get the pleasure of guessing A) the last time this person bathed and B) what they smell like.
Usual Answers for A): The Last Time It Rained, Y2K Scare, When Reagan Was In Office, Cretaceous Period, NEVER
Usual Answers for B): Burnt Hair, Destitution, A Frat Basement Bathroom on a Saturday Morning, Hydrogen Sulphide, Deferred Dreams.
Keep a cotton ball in tow for impromptu nose plugs.
The Person Who Wants Everyone To Know They Have to Get Back To Work
"I bet everybody thinks that going to the DMV during lunch time is a bad idea so they stay away! Which then makes it actually the best time to go! I'm a genius."
That's what this person thought. Now they are in line, nervously tapping their foot and looking at their watch. Huffing under their breath and murmuring "... c'mon ... c'mon ..." every 15 seconds. What we are unaware of is by them doing that, it actually speeds up the line. We should actually be thanking them instead of wanting to punch them in the jejunum. Undoubtedly, when they get near the front, they'll ask to skip five people because they "need to get back to work" (Gasp! We never would've guessed!) Sorry, chief. You may want to text your manager and say you had a flat tire.
The Person Who Tries To Cheat Off You During the Exams
This individual can sometimes be The Teen Who Failed The Written Examination, but it's usually a manchild/adult who has finally gotten around to getting a license. Their approach mimics someone casually cruising for sex in a rest area bathroom. They walk in the testing room and choose the cubby/testing station right next to you even though you are the only person there. Next, they casually peek around the divider and attempt to initiate conversation to gauge your friendliness. You reply because you are a nice person.
Joey Greco says something like "Yeah, it's crazy. I've never had to drive in fog. If I'm driving in it I use my high beams, right?"
"No. You use your low beams."
"Ohhhh yeah. That's right. Can't believe I forgot that. Thanks! And what about the white painted curb? That's freight only?
"Loading zone for passengers or mail."
Now you are trapped. They've got you. You'll now have to answer every question they ask you, because there's no escape. To avoid this scenario simply say "Hahaha. I don't either. I didn't even study. This is my fifth time taking this." Hopefully, your comment will put them at bay, because who wants test answers from a moron? Finish the test and skedaddle.
The Curmudgeon
Negativity begets negativity. The DMV is already full of cranky, on-edge people; it does not need a person exacerbating the issue. The Person with the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Existence wants everyone to know that they are upset about being there, about having to wait, about the poor air quality in the building, about the harshness of the fluorescent lighting. It's not that this person is having a bad day. They are an utterly insufferable person in every aspect.
As they spew vitriol, it envelopes those around them, reproducing like cancer cells, and creating cantankerous clones of the people who had been standing in line patiently. Animus grows with every tick of the second hand. Soon the DMV becomes The Thunderdome, devolving into a free-for-all. Unless you are proficient at blood sports, your only hope to escape with your life is to load up a syringe of Etorphine/M99 and inject The Terrible Person in the neck a la Dexter, and lay them in a corner. Hopefully, you'll be out of there before they wake up.