Image via Complex Original
Unlike football or hockey, basketball allows players to play the game without rocking any headgear, which is both a good and bad thing. While it does offer a more aerodynamic feel when hustling up and down the court, it also gives everyone a good look at a person's face. While there are some guys in the league with your everyday, natural-looking scalp, there are others who...well...look like they've lived without a skull for their entire existence or something went horribly wrong during the birthing process.
From the skin rows of Shane Battier which could very be helpful for smuggling contraband to the real-life Benjamin Button syndrome effecting Greg Oden to Carlos Boozer's infatuation with Sharpies, here's Skull Gang: The Ugliest Heads in NBA History.
Greg Oden, a.k.a. "The 40-Year-Old Freshman"
NBA career: 2007–Present
Greg Oden isn't really 70 years old, he's just built that way. His knees have self-destructed, his career seemingly over before it even got a chance to start. But the former No. 1 pick doesn't just have old legs, he's got a head that makes us wonder whether he was the first pick in 2007 or 1967. Now that he's on the Heat, Oden may find himself on this list by the end of the season. The world can be so unfair.
Nick Van Exel, a.k.a. "8-Ball"
NBA Career: 1993–2006
Nick the Quick is one of our favorite NBA nicknames ever. But his lil noggin looks like a cue ball. Whenever he hit a corner three, he used to shout, "8-Ball, corner pocket!" No bullshit.
Calvin Booth, a.k.a. "The Real Life Halloween Mask"
NBA career: 1999–2009
Booth has the face that only a mother could love. Seriously, everything about that head looks straight out of a horror film. Like, could you imagine that thing popping out from the side of your bed, smiling and asking you, "hey, got any room in there for me?"
Alright, maybe we've watched too many scary movies in our day, but now we need a palate cleanser. Ahh, that's oddly better.
Wes Unseld a.k.a. "Two-Head"
NBA career: 1968–1981
Unseld is one of the all-time greats: Rookie of the Year, MVP (in the same season, no less), 1978 Finals MVP, and at just 6'7", was one of the toughest, meanest centers in the game's history (as evidenced by the ice grill in this photo). It's said he modeled his tenacious game after his eyebrows, which were constantly fending off attempts by his proceeding hairline to take over his entire face. "The eyes! Don't let them get to the eyes!"
Carlos Boozer aka "Sharpie Head"
NBA Career: 2003-Present
Boozer's head is so ugly he tried to cover it up with magic marker once upon a time. Remember that? Never forget.
Popeye Jones, a.k.a. "The Ear-y Looking Dome"
NBA career: 1993–2004
Popeye is in a league of his own when it comes to ugly heads. So, if dude were to give an acceptance speech for such an honor, who should be the first person he thanks? Our pick is Jones should thank/blame the doctors for using his ears as handles when pulling him out of the birth canal. Now he's stuck with those Will Smith-on-steroids ears and years of ridicule that, as you can tell, still lasts until today.
DJ Mbenga, a.k.a. "Sloth"
NBA career: 2004–2011
Has anyone seen how Mbenga reacts when he's near a Baby Ruth bar? Maybe if his teammates slathered the candy bar on the rock, DJ would still be in the NBA angrily pulling down rebounds and not currently trying to make a name for himself overseas. We're probably being mean but everyone knows that dude is a good guy deep down. Just like Sloth. "Hey you guyyyyyss!"
Sam Cassell, a.k.a. "Gollum, Jr."
NBA career: 1993–2008
OK, alien may be reserved for another person on this list. So, after looking at Cassell's mug for all of 10 seconds, we came to the realization that Sam may have been the long-lost son of Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Maybe all that "my precious" talk wasn't in reference to the ring, but rather to another clue that helped Gollum get one step closer to reuniting himself with his precious Cassell. Is there another Rings story we don't know about?
Al Harrington, a.k.a. "Protege Head"
NBA Career: 1998–Present
No lie, we're big Al Harrington fans. Dude's been in the L since the last century (literally), but he still looks and acts like a young player (with good and bad results: Al's 6'9" but never seen a three-point shot he wouldn't take). Plus he was a leader in the cheap shoes revolution, which we can respect, even if we don't rock 'em. But we've got to give him an ugly head salute: Yes, there's probably enough spare change in the folds in his melon to buy a pair of Proteges, but your man has never once grown his hair out, and he's even drawn attention to it on occasion.
Scottie Pippen, a.k.a. "A Wrinkle in Time"
NBA career: 1987–2004
1994 was an interesting year for Scottie Pippen. In his first year without Michael Jordan, he had a lot of ups, and a few downs (including the most infamous sitdown in NBA history). And then there was his curious decision to shave his head (and wear red shoes!) for the All-Star game, where he won the MVP and informed every person who would ever cut his hair that no, it would not be a good idea to let him expose his wrinkled skull to the world ever again.
Michael Ruffin, a.k.a. "Skeletor"
NBA career: 1999–2002, 2003–2009
While at the University of Tulsa, Ruffin studied Chemical Engineering. But that shouldn't come as a surprise since he looks like a diabolical mastermind. Sort of like Skeletor.
Oh yeah, does the Bodies: The Exhibition know that one of their skulls is out on the loose?
Shane Battier, a.k.a. "Welcome to Skin Row"
NBA career: 2001–Present
Shane is a very, very intelligent man. How do we know this? Because he went to Duke (where the photo above was taken), and because his middle name is Courtney, and you gotta be pretty savvy to make it through life with the name Shane Courtney Battier. He's clearly also a very careful man. How do we know this? Because he's made it to the age of 35 without the benefit of a skull. Yes, folks, that is his actual brain showing through the skin on his head!
Tyrone Hill a.k.a. "The Lumpy Mound of Rebound"
NBA career: 1990–2003
Tyrone Hill's a nice guy. He was a heck of a rebounder, even made the All-Star game once. He's also got a winning smile...and a coconut that only a mother could love...and a face that might've actually looked better after Charles Oakley slapped it.
Joel Anthony, "Vice Lord"
NBA career: 2007–Present
Remember that scene in Casino where they put the card cheat's head in a vice to get him to talk? We're thinking Joel might've had an early audition for that role that got a little too real. And on top of all that, his hairline's gone past recession and straight to depression - and he's only 31. Oh well Joel, at least you're a two-time NBA champion!
Shelden Williams a.k.a. "Cauli Buds"
NBA career: 2006–2012
Shelden's a Duke man, so he's valuable to his team(s) for what's between his ears as much as his physical skills. However, his ears look like he's in some illegal fight club. Do he and Candice tussle every once in awhile? Also, his eyes are so far apart that his court vision is in 4D. We got jokes, but Williams gets the last laugh.
