Horsin' Around: The Most Pauseworthy Names in Kentucky Derby History

Watching the Kentucky Derby tomorrow? Maybe? Probably not? OK, we're not really sure what all the hubbub over "The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports" is about either. But we like betting and drinking and really, really juvenile humor. You thing rap music has a lot of subliminal homo-eroticism? Try the names the "whiskey gentry" give their horses. From this-has-gotta-be-a-joke dong references to some real, er, head-scratchers, we've compiled a list of the funniest double entendre names that owners have given their trusty steed in Horsin' Around: The Most Pauseworthy Names in Kentucky Derby History...

FINISHED: 19th
COMPLEX SAYS: After their horse finished a disappointing (to say the least) 19th (out of 19 horses), most people would be greatly disappointed in their equine investment. But perhaps the true purpose of this stallion may have been behind closed stable doors. Too much? #catherinethegreat #yeahweknowitsamyth #sotheysay

FINISHED: 8th
COMPLEX SAYS: Owned by the Irish-African-American scion of a Chicago-area chocolate factory, Robert "R." Kelly, Gold Shower...we kid (R. Kelly is neither Irish nor over 70). Whether it be champagne or beer, it seems that drenching people in liquid (II) is a very popular way of celebrating a victory. If Gold Shower had pulled out the W, we would've stayed away from any post-race celebrations, because a golden shower is kinky, but a gold shower would really hurt. Gold is a dense and heavy metal!

FINISHED: 1st
COMPLEX SAYS: It's a good thing the heavily favored Big Brown got the victory. Could you imagine the headlines the next day? "Big Brown Limps to the Finish." "Big Brown Can't Finish." "Big Brown Peters Out In the End." See what we did there? #thatsadoubledouble

FINISHED: 7th
COMPLEX SAYS: Now, we all know what corn on the cob is. You love it. We love it. But what the hell is corn off the cobb? Sounds like something you get if you mess with the wrong girl.

FINISHED: 13th
COMPLEX SAYS: Hey, we're not here to judge someone that wants their "sword" to be "gleamed" from time to time, but the Kentucky Derby is a family event! Keep that thing sheathed until you get back to the castle, homie.

FINISHED: 11th
COMPLEX SAYS: And you thought today's advertising industry was shameless! Hey, at least these days they're coy enough to call it "male enhancement."

FINISHED: 11th
COMPLEX SAYS: First, a trip to the clinic to clear up that burning. Then, off to the glue factory for you, Mr. 11th Place!

FINISHED: 15th
COMPLEX SAYS: In horse racing, a "timely tip" refers to late-breaking information that can influence betting. Elsewhere? Well, just ask your chick, she knows.

FINISHED: 13th
COMPLEX SAYS: Do you like Shag Tails? In the fourth race? Or just in the privacy of your own home?

FINISHED: 11th
COMPLEX SAYS: In the '52 Derby, along with Gushing Oil, there was the aforementioned Shag Tails as well as a Master Fiddle. That is some kinky-ass '50s equine orgy.

FINISHED: 7th
COMPLEX SAYS: What's in a name? If you're Blue Pair, it may have had something to do with this horse's lack of getting some...wins, that is.

FINISHED: 8th
COMPLEX SAYS: Finishing 8th in the Kentucky Derby isn't a good look. You know what else isn't a good look? The image of your manhood singing to you.

FINISHED: 2nd
COMPLEX SAYS: Those people that bet on Head Play to win it all had to be greatly disappointed. There was a lot of flirting. Things got real close, but no dice. And sadly, the historical record fails to note if Head Play was the sire to Blue Pair.

FINISHED: 9th
COMPLEX SAYS: Too bad the announcers tend to ignore the back of the pack once horse races get going, or we could've had this priceless call, "Reigh Count in the lead, but the battle is for ninth with Martie Flynn and Sun Beau jocking for position. But wait! Here comes Blackwood up the rear..."