Image via Complex Original
Once summer starts we can’t help but spend our time daydreaming about summer Fridays, sandy shorts, and frosty beers. Yes, I'm talking about beach season, the most glorious season of all. Not only does beach season mean killer tans and afternoon naps, but more importantly, beach sports. What’s better than pointless competition on scorching hot sand amongst friend-bros? As you start to compile your list of “must-haves” for warm weather shenanigans, don’t forget to include all the necessary equipment included in this definitive ranking of beach sports. Thank me later, or just invite me to the beach and I’ll beat you at all of these. Whichever you’re most comfortable with.
Kadima (Let’s be honest, it’s paddle ball)
Kicking off this list smack dab at the bottom is a little game called Kadima, or paddle ball. “Kadima” sounds like the name of a very difficult yoga pose or a highly skilled assassin. Call it what you must, this time-tested beach game will keep you occupied for a total of six minutes. Or until one of you chucks your paddle into the ocean out of sheer frustration. If you’re good at tennis or Ping-Pong, you’ll probably be good at this. If you’re bad at both, maybe just keep going down this list until you find your sweet spot.
Suntan Lotion Application Game
This one’s always a challenge and very rarely does it ever pay off, but when it does, wooooooweeeeee you’re in for a good day at the beach. It’s a pretty simple sport, really. Two people, each armed with their own bottle of sunscreen, embark on a journey to find the most attractive stranger and then apply said sunscreen to this willing stranger’s back. An impartial member of your group should judge the attractiveness. The loser has to attempt to apply the suntan lotion to his or her own back, immediately roll around in the sand, and then sit there and think about what it’s like to lose. The winner gets said stranger’s undying love and devotion.*
*There will probably be zero love and/or devotion.
Race to the Water
This is one of the best impromptu bro beach sports to exist in modern times. Do you remember that scene from Rocky III when Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers are running down the beach, laughing and running and winning? It’s exactly like that except you run into the water. Also, in this game it is possible for both competitors to win as long as no one trips or attempts to jump into the ocean too soon. Basically just avoid embarrassing yourself, laugh while you run, and if at all possible, flex once or twice because you never really know who’ll be watching you. Hint: It’ll be no one. No one will be watching you do this.
Football
Football is on here because it has to be. I myself have rarely enjoyed a game of beach football. But that’s not beach football’s fault, it’s the fault of everyone you play with. Football is historically one of the most difficult games to organize on a whim given the number of people required to play. Then, once you factor in the element of the beach and the fact that your crew is rarely 22 people deep, you’re gonna end up with a lot of lopsided games.
BUT, if you can manage to rally some eager bystanders to even out the numbers, you’re in for a real treat. Oh, and please remember to keep the competitive spirit at bay. You’re there to make new pals while experiencing the occasional moment of recreational sports glory. No need to blow out a knee out, Johnny Utah, this one’s not entirely about you.
Body Surfing
This is probably my all-time favorite way to enjoy high tide. My second favorite would be eating ice cream or sleeping through it. There really is no feeling like grabbing a hold of Mother Nature and coasting her all the way to a sandy belly. Now, the trick to a good body surfing experience is timing. You’ve got to start trying to catch that wave a lot earlier than you might believe. You can’t think, “Okay, one more second...” YOU JUST HAVE TO GO. Start swimming your little heart out until that wave takes you into her arms and sends you on your way. The only rule of body surfing is that you MUST ride a wave back to shore when you’re finished. If you don’t, a sea tiger* will bite you. And trust me, there is no wrath like that of a sea tiger.
*Does not exist. Just ride the wave in already.
Volleyball
Break out those stonewashed jeans and start firing off 1,000 crunches a day because beach volleyball season is right around the corner. If you’ve seen Top Gun then those two references will make all the sense in the world to you. Those fighter pilots engaged in arguably the most athletically challenging of all beach games in jeans…JEANS. Say what you will about ’80s fashion, but if you can compete at a high level in any sport while wearing waist-to-ankle denim, you are a man amongst boys. Or a fighter pilot amongst non-fighter pilots. Or movie stars who probably whined about playing in jeans the whole time amongst people who know how to dress appropriately.
Frisbee
This really could have been numero uno for me. It was a very difficult decision and I truly hope my flying disc isn’t offended by it. Let’s get back to talking about how beautiful of an experience it is to throw a ‘bee at the beach or how magnificent it is to watch that gorgeous, 175-gram piece of plastic comfortably float through the air until your buddy casually catches it between his or her legs. Or behind the back. Or a “lay it all on the line who cares if I just put sunscreen on” diving snag. The only real downside to beach Frisbee is playing with your roommate, a woman who egregiously claims that she’s a wonderful Frisbee player only to repeatedly throw it into the sand four short feet in front of her. So, as long as you “forget” to invite my roommate to your ‘bee toss, you’ll love every minute of it.
Wiffle Ball
And then there was one: The Ol’ Wiff, the beautiful yellow bat that hearkens back to some of my fondest childhood memories—memories I didn’t think I’d ever recreate until I started taking the Wiff to the beach. All you need is a couple of bats, two or three balls, a beach trash can, and at least one friend who isn’t completely terrible, and you’ve got yourselves hours of nostalgia ahead of yourself.
A quick set-up guide for you: Use the trash can as the back stop, the second bat as the home run marker, and always try to time your at-bat with the moment when the beach clean-up crew is driving by. Last year, I socked a real dinger just as they cruised through and heard, “Woooweee that was a jack.” I mean, who needs the love of another when you’ve got the fleeting admiration of a stranger to hang onto for an unhealthy amount of time? "Not me," I said, "not me."