Image via Complex Original
Here are five reasons baseball is the best sport in the world:
1. “American” football is just Capture the Flag inverted, wherein one team (the offense) tries to put a ball where the other team (the defense) doesn’t want them to. It’s got concussions and the occasional compound fracture.
2. “Everyone else’s” football is just Capture the Flag inverted, wherein one team (the offense) tries to put a ball where the other team (the defense) doesn’t want them to. It’s got dives and the occasional cracked vertebra.
3. Basketball is just Capture the Flag inverted, wherein one team (the offense) tries to put a ball where the other team (the defense) doesn’t want them to. It’s got Magic Johnson doing analysis, exposure to which has been known to cause developmental problems in humans.
4. Hockey is soccer on ice, with sticks. It’s got bare knuckle fighting and some of football’s concussions, but, blissfully, it’s gone 903-work days without one of its players suffering a cracked vertebra. Suck on that OSHA (you, too, FIFA).
5. Baseball’s the only (male) sport in town right now.
Unless you’re talking NBA Summer League, and if you say “But I watch the Summer League,” make sure you’re trying to impress someone, because there is a little known codicil in the Constitution that grants every U.S. man, woman, and child the right to deliver one penalty-free open-hand slap to anyone who begins a sentence with the words, “Hey, Jabari Parker almost had a triple double for the Summer Bucks today!”
We don’t know why you want to know about the rest of this year’s baseball season. Maybe the argument above is just super convincing. Maybe your company sponsors a team-building night out at the local ballpark and you want to be able to chit-chat with the hot girl in accounting who’s always droning on about her Strat-O-Matic team. (Here's a freebie: Darwin Barney's "1" at second does not in any way make up for his hitting. Thank us later.) Maybe you just like baseball and Complex Sports is your trusted source for seamhead analysis. Who the hell knows. You're here, we're here, let's get it on. Herewith, What You Need to Know (And a Lot You Don't) to Follow the Rest of the 2014 Baseball Season.
The Cuban Revolution Is Here
Fidel Castro is very old and continuing to prevent great Cuban baseball players from defecting is not high on his bucket list. How else to explain the recent dominance of Cubans in the Major Leagues?* Jose Fernandez won the National League Cy Young Award last year, Jose Abreu has hit more home runs at the All-Star Break than any rookie except Mark McGwire, Yasiel Puig is a bat-flipping, speeding-ticket hordeing, culture shifting demi-god. And Yoenis Cespedes throws goddamn flaming missile darts like these:
It's not just that they're dominating, it's how they dominate: with panache (not a Cuban word we're told) built on solid fundamentals. They're generally great, if occasionally distracted fielders (look for a wave of amazing fielding Cuban middle infielders, led by the Marlins Adeiny Hechavarria and Dodgers minor leaguer Erisbel Arruebarruena), and hitters in the Vlad Guerrero "You Don't Walk Off the Island" model, i.e. they ain't taking 12 pitches every at bat (even Cespedes, playing for the Moneyball A's, has a sub-.300 on base percentage). Also, they give fewer than no fucks about baseball's unwritten rules (more on that later).
*Actually, it's more complicated than that. Intern Russell explains:
Cuba has attempted to stop defections by allowing some players to sign overseas contracts while raising the pay for those who play in Cuba. Two of Cuba's biggest stars have signed officially sanctioned contracts this season with Nippon Professional Baseball teams, and Cuba for the first time is welcoming foreign scouts.
They still aren't welcoming them from the U.S. though. Because of the U.S. embargo Major League scouts cannot technically negotiate with players. That's because the Cuban government demands 20 percent of the players' contract and income tax. That goes against the rules of the embargo, hence players have to defect in order to play in the MLB.
There have been more defections because a lot of players have defected and then gone on to do insanely well, make a ton of money, and play in the best league in the world. Puig and Jose Abreu have thrived in the U.S. and they have shown the Cuban players that it is still easier to just flee to America instead of waiting for the government to allow them player to play in Japan.
People Are Giving Derek Jeter Some Really Shitty Going Away Presents
We are being told to tip our cap to the Captain ('CAUSE JORDAN BRAND SEZ SO). So why are Major League teams giving Jeets such shitty going away presents? Here, in ascending order of abject uselessness, are the swagless schwag Jeter's received so far (gift-giving team in parentheses):
1. Napa vacation, bottle of wine, $10,002 donation to Jeter's charity (A's)
2. Hublot watch, seat and base from Kingdome (Mariners, watch gift of Robinson Cano)
3. A stay at the American Club and a round of golf at Whistling Straits in Kohler, Wis., bronze replica of Jeter's bat, $10,000 donation to Jeter's charity (Brewers)
4. Cufflinks with a likeness of Stan Musial, $10,000 donation to Jeter's charity (Cardinals)
5. Gibson Les Paul guitar with pinstripes and Jeter's #2 and a LEGO mosaic of Jeter (Indians)
6. Mosaic of Jeter's #2 jersey number, made entirely of New York subway tiles, a cake made by the Cake Boss guy, of two subway trains and a Yankee logo (Mets)
7. A pair of pinstriped cowboy boots that Derek Jeter will absolutely never ever wear, a Stetson hat, and a set of golf clubs (Astros)
8. Pinstriped paddleboard (Angels)
9. A #2 scoreboard square from the ancient scoreboard at Wrigley Field (Cubs)
10. Second base from the final baseball game at the Metrodome (Twins)
11. Bench made of baseball bats and balls (White Sox)
For those of you scoring at home, that's one paddleboard, two bases, cufflinks with some other team's former player on it, a whole bunch of #2 shit, and a cake. To be clear, we're talking about a guy who's slept with Mariah Carey, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Minka Kelly, Scarlett Johansson, Adriana Lima, and LeBron's mom (allegedly), and you're giving him some bases? What, he's gonna build a softball field in his backyard? The sporting goods store was out of badminton shuttlecock holders? Unless this is an elaborate dig at the cottage industry of mawkish veneration that's grown around Jeter, in which case we tip our caps to you and your bench made of bats and balls Pale Hose.
World Cup-Fever Induced Early World Baseball Classic Rankings
Yes, we watched the World Cup, and while we stand by the whole aforementioned “inverted Capture the Flag” metaphor, it was a lot of fun. Which got us thinking, what if baseball had FIFA-style country-by-country team rankings? The World Baseball Classic is only 1,000 days away (there’s an Olympics before it), and while the WBC is to the World Cup what the Gathering of the Juggalos is to the G8, fuck it, here goes (note: these are current rankings, like if the WBC was played tomorrow, and we're letting the Cubans play for Cuba even if Fidel Castro would allow that only over his dead body because a) it makes it more fun, and b) Castro probably will be dead by 2017:
1. Dominican Republic
Starting pitchers: Johnny Cueto, Alfredo Simon, Edinson Volquez, Daniel Cabrera, Wandy Rodriguez
Relief pitchers: Fernando Rodney, Kelvin Herrera, Al Alburquerque
C: Miguel Montero
1B: Edwin Encarnacion
2B: Robinson Cano
3B: Adrian Beltre
SS: Jose Reyes
LF: Nelson Cruz
CF: Carlos Gomez
RF: Jose Bautista
Bench: Starling Marte, Domingo Santana, Miguel Sano, Starlin Castro
2. Cuba
Starting pitchers: Jose Fernandez, Odrisamer Despaigne, José Fernández, Raúl Valdés, Miguel Alfredo González
Relief pitchers: Aroldis Chapman, Raisel Iglesias, Diosdany Castillo
C: Brayan Peña
1B: Jose Abreu
2B: Jose Miguel Fernandez
3B: Yulieski Gourriel
SS: Erisbel Arruebarruena
LF: Yoenis Cespedes
CF: Rusney Castillo
RF: Yasiel Puig
Bench: Henry Urrutia, Leonys Martín, Yunel Escobar, Jose Iglesias
3. U.S.A.
Starting pitchers: Clayton Kershaw, Adam Wainwright, Matt Harvey, David Price, Chris Sale
Relief pitchers: Craig Kimbrel, Sean Doolittle, Greg Holland
C: Jonathan Lucroy
1B: Paul Goldschmidt
2B: Ian Kinsler
3B: Josh Donaldson
SS: Troy Tulowitzki
LF: Mike Trout
CF: Andrew McCutchen
RF: Giancarlo Stanton
Bench: Allen Craig, Ian Desmond, David Wright, Daniel Murphy, Bryce Harper, Josh Reddick, Jason Heyward
4. Puerto Rico
Starting pitchers: Hirman Burgos, Randy Fontanez, Giovanni Soto, Xavier Cedeño, Efraín Nieves
Relief pitchers: José De La Torre, Javier López, Jonathan Albaladejo
C: Yadier Molina
1B: Neftalí Sot
2B: Irving Falu
3B: Victor Caratini
SS: Carlos Javier Correa
LF: Eddie Rosario
CF: Angel Pagan
RF: Carlos Beltrán
Bench: Eddia Rosario, Javier Baez, Steven Moya, Alex Rios, Martin Maldonado
5. Venezuela
Starting pitchers: Felix Hernandez, Anibal Sanchez, Juan Meza, Mauricio Robles, Romulo Sanchez
Relief pitchers: Francisco Rodriguez, Alex Torres, Cesar Jimenez
C: Salvador Perez
1B: Miguel Cabrera
2B: Jose Altuve
3B: Pablo Sandoval
SS: Elvin Andurs
LF: Carlos Gonzalez
CF: Ender Inciarte
RF: Martin Prado
Bench: Miguel Montero, Omar Infante, Asdrubal Cabrera, Gerrardo Parra, Alex Romero
6. Mexico
Starting pitchers: Jorge de la Rosa, Marco Estrada, Yovani Gallardo, Jamie Garcia, Miguel Gonzalez
Relief pitchers: Joakim Soria, Sergio Romo, Fernando Salas
C: Sebastian Valle
1B: Adrian Gonzalez
2B: Efren Navarro
3B: Ramiro Pena
SS: Luis Cruz
LF: Eduardo Arredondo
CF: Leo Heras
RF: Luis Alfonso Garcia
Bench: Edgar Gonzalez, Heber Gomez, Jose Heberto Felix
7. Japan
Starting pitchers: Masahiro Tanaka, Kyuji Fujikawa, Hisashi Iwakuma, Yu Darvish, Kenta Maeda
Relief pitchers: Dennis Sarfate, Yuji Nishino, Koji Uehara
C: Kurt Suzuki
1B: Takahiro Okada
2B: Yoshio Ito
3B: Nobuhiro Matsuda
SS: Munenori Kawasaki
LF: Seiichi Uchikawa
CF: Yuki Yanagita
RF: Norichika Aoki
Bench: Yuichi Honda, Hayato Sakamoto, Akira Nakamura, Shohei Otani
8. Korea
Starting pitchers: Hyun-Jin Ryu, Jae Weong Seo, Jae Kuk Ryu, Lim Chang-Yong, Seong-Min Kim
Relief pitchers: Seung-rak Son, Jung Bong, Chang-Yong Lim
C: Jae-Won Lee
1B: Tae-Kyun Kim
2B: Lee Dae-ho
3B: Choi Jeong
SS: Kang Jung-ho
LF: Shin-Soo Choo
CF: Hyonsoo Kim
RF: Ju-chan Kim
Bench: Minho Kang, Keunwoo Jeong, Seung Yuop Lee, Yongkyu Lee, Jin Young Lee
9. Canada
Starting pitchers: Andrew Albers, Phillippe Aumont, Scott William Mathieson, Jim Henderson, Jameson Taillon
Relief pitchers: Jesse Crain, Chuck Ghysels, John Axford
C: George Kottaras
1B: Joey Votto
2B: Brett Lawrie
3B: Taylor Green
SS: Jonathan Malo
LF: Jim Aducci
CF: Michael Saunders
RF: Rene Tosoni
Bench: Chris Robinson, Taylor Green, Jimmy Van Ostrand, Tyson Gillies, Adam Loewen
10. Netherlands
Starting pitchers: Jair Jurrjens, Shairon Martis, Orlando Yntema, Loek Van Mil, Berry Van Driel
Relief pitchers: Kenley Jansen, Mark Pawelek, Shairon Martis
C: Quintin De Cuba
1B: Curt Smith
2B: Jonathan Schoop
3B: Xander Boegarts
SS: Andrelton Simmons
LF: Wladimir Balentien
CF: Roger Bernadina
RF: Darryl Jamoena
Bench: Sebastiaan Nooij, Michael Duursma, Kalian Sams, Randolph Oduber
The Assault on the Unwritten Rules Continues
Baseball's unwritten rules are the dumbest thing in sports not named "NCAA." They seem to boil down to this:
1. Do not celebrate your accomplishments immediately after you achieve them, especially if doing so actually undermines your team's performance.
2. Do not respect your opponents enough to assume they can come back from large deficits.
Here's an example of the former, in which Gerrit Cole yells at Carlos Gomez for not running out of the box quick enough on a triple aka saving his (Cole's) team a run:
Here's an example of the latter, in which Jed Lowrie gets yelled at for bunting with a 7-run lead in the 3rd inning:
The Best Player in Baseball Is 5'5" and Plays for Houston
He's got 130 hits so far this season, is tied for the league lead in steals, and plays a highlight reel-worthy second base. So "best" is a subjective assessment, and "highlight reel-worthy" doesn't necessarily mean "good" when describing baseball defense, but hey at least Jose Altuve deserved to be in the All-Star game (Derek Jeter "deserved" to be in the All-Star game like he "deserved" a pinstriped paddleboard).
You've probably never heard of him, he's probably shorter than your mom, and he's probably not going to actually win the MVP this year. But Altuve is the funnest (not a real word!) player to watch in baseball right now, with a hat tip to Dee Gordon, Billy Hamilton, Mike Trout, and the aforementioned Cubans. Applaud him:
The A's and Angels Are the New Yankees and Red Sox (With Half the Petulance)
Every year since 1995 (except 2008), either the Yankees or Red Sox have made the postseason. A lot of years, they both made it. If God has even a smidgen of sympathy for the baseball-lovers among her flock of teeming humanity, neither team will be playing this October.
This reflects a shifting balance of power in baseball as a whole. If the season ended today (which would be extremely weird, because July), five of the six West Coast teams would make the playoffs: Giants, Dodgers, Mariners, Angels, and A's, while only two teams on the Eastern Seaboard would make the cut (Orioles and Nationals).
The A's and Angels, currently the teams with the two best records in the entire majors, and playing in the same division, should be especially fun to watch the rest of the year. The Halos have the best player in baseball taller than 5'5" (MIke Trout), plus a couple guys named Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols. The A's have the aforementioned flamethrower (seriously, check out the last GIF at the bottom of the page) and two-time home run derby champ Yoenis Cespedes, they just made the biggest trade of the season to date (for Jeff Samardzija), and have the whole beards and softball swings thing the Red Sox perfected, but minus the Massholeness. Oakland and Anaheim play 10 games over the final five weeks of the season; watch them. Also, fuck New York and Boston.