Image via Complex Original
Tonight, the Sprint NBA All-Star Celebrity Game will pit some of America's most recognizable faces against each other on the hardwood, bringing the likes of Kevin Hart, Mo'ne Davis, and Nick Cannon together to showcase their skills on national television. We don't know exactly what to expect from the contest, but we're almost positive Kevin Hart will be ready to show out again.
The man is here to win.
However, as we were looking through the rosters, we noticed that the lineups needed an extra spark. Hart, Cannon, and Davis are all great, but we felt that we could one-up some of the teams that have been assembled through the years. So, in the interest of insane hypotheticals, Complex Sports went through and put together our own celebrity teams, grabbing names from years, decades, and even centuries ago. This is who we think would make up The Greatest NBA All-Star Celebrity Team in History.
Team Obama
PG: Stan Van Gundy
SG: Barack Obama
SF: John Coltrane
PF: Arne Duncan
C: Suge Knight
Maybe it’s weird to have such a political squad, but Arne Duncan has proven himself in the past three celebrity games (scoring a celeb-game record 20 points last year), and putting the sitting President at the two would assure all those James Harden foul calls get called. As for the rest, Stan Van Gundy as a literal coach on the floor at the 1, Suge Knight posting up and generally beasting on people (would YOU drive on Suge?), and Trane at the small forward spot where hopefully he would show as much off-kilter creativity as he did on the horn. (Was tempted to just make the classic Kind of Blue quintet the whole squad, but nah.) —Russ Bengston
Team DeVito
PG: Danny DeVito
For whatever reason, people love to watch short people playing basketball (see: Kevin Hart winning back-to-back-to-back Celebrity Game MVPs despite his mediocre stats). So who better to run point than Danny DeVito? Plus, he did a voice in Space Jam, didn't he? So, y'know, he's obviously got a strong basketball background.
SG: Harvey Levin
I'm sure he's awful at basketball, but I'm putting him here for selfish reasons. The crowning achievement of my career would be assembling a list of "The 10 Best Posterizations of the TMZ Guy." Oh, and if he ever actually agreed to play in a Celebrity Game, someone would have to convince Chris Brown to be on the other team. I'd rather watch that than Mayweather/Pacquiao.
SF: Air Bud
Not kidding. If the NBA wants to get Super Bowl-like TV ratings for the Celebrity Game, I have two words for them: MORE ANIMALS.
PF: 50 Cent
After seeing the first pitch he threw out last year, I'm all for letting 50 take part in any and all athletic events from this point on. Can you even imagine what he might do if he had to take a free throw?
C: Big Show
He'd be like the Shaquille O'Neal of celebrity games. It'd also be fun watching him and Danny DeVito in huddles (Twins 2 anyone?!). —Chris Yuscavage
Team Schwarzenegger
PG: Common
I mean, have you seen Just Wright? I'm in the minority here, aren't I? Well, if you didn't waste an hour and a half of your life, here's the biggest takeaway: Common as Scott McKnight can ball, especially when he's put in the right situation.
SG: 2 Chainz
Plain and simple, 2 Chainz was pretty damn good at basketball. I would go as far as saying he could've made it to the NBA. Just peep that jumper! Plus, at 6-foot-5, Tity Boi gives my squad some serious height in the backcourt, creating some match-up nightmares. It will also be a dope crowd-pleaser whenever he buries a jumper and you just hear "Truuuu!" over the PA system. Now, that's a win-win situation right there. No lie. Sorry, sorry. I had to do it.
SF: Chris Farley
I want somebody that can bang around in the paint, get a few boards and score a couple cheap baskets. I got offensive-minded players in my backcourt, now I want absolute psychos for my two forward spots. If you have seen Farley in the "Motivational Speaker," then you know why this choice makes sense. And even though Farley was considered heavy, the guy was still pretty nimble.
PF: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Of course, I'm talking about the prime years, Pumping Iron version. Arnold may be undersized at 6-foot-2 for the position, but there aren't many celebrities out there phasing him when he works those post-up moves. Like, seriously, go look at photos of Schwarzenegger from those times. You know, when you're in a judgment-free zone, check out that physique.
C: Liam Neeson
I don't even know if Liam can play basketball, but he's got intensity. Especially when someone tells him that another one of his family members has been taken. I need someone with that mentality on the roster. So, before the game, we're paying off someone on the staff with a deep voice to pretend he's responsible for the kidnapping, somehow incorporate the fact that he needs to play his heart out in order to see [insert family member's name here] and I'm going to sit back and watch Neeson cook. Honestly, I'm expecting a 20-point, 20-rebound game and nothing less. —Jose Martinez
Team Statham
PG: Napoleon
SG: Kevin Hart
SF: Jason Statham
PF: Hafthór Júlíus Björnsson
C: Richard Kiel
For this all-time five, we've got a mix of celebrities across centuries who all bring a special something to the team. While he may be grossly undersized, Napoleon's tenacity and anger make him a spark plug of a floor general, and a perfect counterpoint to the running, gunning Kevin Hart. The comedian definitely cares a little too much about this game and is about a foot shorter than we'd like out of that lineup spot, but he's got enough spunk to make up for it. Needing a defensive stopper out of the three spot, we've got the super-athletic Jason Statham ready to chase, kick, or otherwise incapacitate the other team's top scorer. Plus, he totally played basketball with Mark Wahlberg is a scene in "The Italian Job," so he at least knows what a basketball looks like.
The frontcourt has two absolute monsters in the post: Hafthór Júlíus Björnsson (a.k.a. The Mountain from "Game of Thrones") and Richard Kiel (Jaws from the James Bond movies). Both guys are gigantic, and The Mountain even played professionally before deciding that bodybuilding was more his speed. —Doug Sibor
Team Kardashian
PG: Johnny Depp
Because nobody flops harder.
SG: Barack Obama
I highly doubt anybody’s going to play tight D on a guy who can order a drone attack.
SF: Kim Kardashian
She’s like five feet tall; alright, I got that. But that booty was made to box out.
PF: Danny Trejo
I need a dude who’s going to protect my star. Though, looking at my roster, I’m not sure who that is, exactly.
C: Richard Kiel
Originally I was going to go with Lurch from the Addams Family, but then I found out that Richard Kiel (the actor who played Jaws in a couple of Bond films) was 7’2”. In a game where Justin Bieber and Kevin Hart have previously won MVPs, I like the odds of anybody over 5’5”. —Gavin Evans
Team Cole
PG: Andrew Jackson
He shot at and beat up the shooter. All-Stars need that mental toughness.
SG: Chris Kyle
Greatest. Sniper. Ever.
PF: Jesse Owens
Owens won a gold medal in Nazi Germany. He's good under pressure.
SF: J. Cole
Extra star power.
C: Saved by the Bell: The College Years-era Mario Lopez
He's muscular, has a good head, and had a good future ahead of him by the time the show ended. Rounds out an undersized, but dangerous squad. —Brian Josephs
Team Lincoln
PG: E.J. Johnson
Y'all not ready. You may think he looks too plump and delicate to dominate the floor...until you find yourself under E.J.'s pantsuit get yammed on.
SG: Harry Houdini
Basketball wizardry. Escape artist—cannot be locked down by any defender.
SF: James Naismith
"What do you mean eye-gouging isn't in the rules? Raise your hand if you invented basketball. Oh wait...looks like your hand is still down. I guess you were just confused since you didn't literally invent this sport like I did."
"...Also—what's dribbling?"
PF: Abe Lincoln
Four score(s) and seven blocks ago the other squad thought they had a chance. Height and rim protection in spades, plus nobody will want to make the guy who signed the Emancipation Proclamation look bad.
C: Tiny "Zeus" Lister
You might know him better as "Deebo". Or the President from The Fifth Element. Either way, the squad's in good shape with a giant cockeyed shot blocker/chain-snatcher in the middle. —Maurice Peebles
Team Harvey
PG: Prince
Enough said.
SG: Steve Harvey
Harvey isn't meant to serve as much more than comedic relief for this squad. If you thought the Fab Five rocked baggy shorts, just imagine what this man will be wearing when he comes out onto the court. His shorts are going to make MC Hammer's pants look form-fitting.
SF: Win Butler
I'm cheating a little bit by adding Butler—he's making his All-Star Weekend debut tonight during the Sprint Celebrity All-Star Game. But the Arcade Fire front man is a known hoops enthusiast, having played for his high school basketball team at Phillips Exeter, as well as various charity tournaments over the years. I just can't pass up a 6'5" wing who can beat shrimps like Anthony Anderson and Kevin Hart to the boards. Don't sleep on the indie rock superstar.
PF: Tyler Perry
Again, I'm going with the tall guy. I don't know much about Perry's game, but I'm praying that it's better than his movies.
C: Robert Maillet
A former WWE wrestler, Robert Maillet has since expanded his career to include roles in films like 300, Pacific Rim, and Hercules. He's 7-feet-tall and over 300 pounds. I don't care who you have on your team. The game is already over. Maillet looks something like a mix between Nikola Pekovic and every European crony from the Taken franchise. —Gus Turner