Image via Complex Original
We know it's a cliche but the '90s were a simpler time. A time where you could get away from people and weren't connected 24/7 via smartphones, the Internet, email, social media, whatever. When you told your boss you didn't know he was "trying to reach you," he actually might have bought it. An era before ESPN became a public relations, self-obsessed, egomaniacal nightmare. We want to take you back to a time when you were younger and (mostly) stress-free to remind you of all that's changed in the sports climate. That's why we bring you 20 Reasons Why Being a Sports Fan Was Better in the '90s.
MTV's Rock N' Jock
Back in the '90s, MTV was about more than televised fucknuts and nerds confused when their centerfold online "girlfriends" don't pan out. There were solid programs (as well as occasional music videos). One of those solid programs was Rock N' Jock which pitted hybrid celebrity/athlete teams against one another for supremacy of the softball diamond, basketball court and, towards the end, the gridiron. If you ever wondered what 'N Sync would do on the basketball court you got to watch it play out. Sure beat the hell out of 16 and Pregnant.
Video Game Choices
Back in the day, you had Quarterback Club, NFL Gameday (which was actually good in the '90s), even NFL 2K dropped in '99. A few years into the aughts the NFL needed to squeeze out yet another extra penny and liscensed themselves to EA. Now you have to accept Madden. Not only were alternatives a plus but the competition pushed EA to make better games.
It's not just the NFL. The college gridiron is mighty stale too. Before this recent news the NCAA was exclusive to EA. Like a state college student the series is acceptable but doesn't excel. It's plagued with a load of general (improvable) laziness.
Want virtual March Madness? Tough shit. They haven't made an NCAA Basketball game in four years. You used to have your choice of titles but most people stopped playing. A '90s dorm dweller could take his diaper dandy through the 'Big Dance.' Now it's as realistic as a sanctionless John Calipari tenure.
Baseball fans are no better off. The amazing EA MVP Series was killed by the same type of deal that secured the company the NFL. The MLB: The Show series, once brilliant is now a pathetic roster update with fielding that's somehow worse then it was in the '90s. They've gotten so damn apathetic that when the Wild Card format changed in 2012 they didn't bother to update (because what the hell else are you going to buy?).
And last but certainly not least, who can forget the original NBA Jam? "Boom shaka laka!" and "He's on fire!" are catchphrases that'll be engraved in our brains forever.
Give us that '90s variety with current technology and you got something.
Trading Cards
Like another bubble-bursting casualty of the millenium, Beanie Babies, people suddenly realized they were devoid of value and completely pointless. A cardboard picture with some stats on the back becomes less practical in a world of iPods, high-tech videogames, and hardcore online porn. Stuff with some actual substance. Many now get their faux GM thrills from Fantasy Leagues (which were done in person back then) but in the '90s nothing was sweeter then pulling off a swap for a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card for a weekend with your N64. When people finally asked "Why the fuck do I keep buying these?" The execs at Bowman and Upper Deck had no response. Hopefully their employees planned for this.
Heavyweight Boxing Was Relevant
Two of the three most popular sports of the early 20th century are dying. Horse racing and boxing. We can accept horse racing's demise (sitting around for 30 minutes to watch a 90 second race) but boxing was great. There's still Manny Pacquiao, there's still Floyd Mayweather but how many heavyweights can you rattle off right now? If you came up with more than one—besides the Klitschko brothers—your name is probably Max Kellerman.
No Athlete Info Overload
Knowing about Tiger's "morbid curiousity" is TMI for a guy who just hits a little white ball into a hole. With those text messages we shattered any sense of privacy for Tiger. All Internet, all news networks, cell phones with updates lead to an impersonal world with little left to the imagination.
Our first choice for the picture up top was of Brett Favre's unkempt hog. But we realized people eat when they read sometimes. The point is: We live in a universe where you can see Brett Favre's unkempt hog! The all-time passing leader in NFL history has dong pics floating around for eternity. Any sort of mystique is eradicated when your dong is available from a Google search. You never thought you'd live to see Michael Jordan's son's penis. You were wrong.
Better Wrestling Personalities
At the beginning of the decade we still had Hulkamania. In the middle Goldberg was emerging. By the end it was all about The Rock and Stone Cold. We respect John Cena and CM Punk and (kind of) Sheamus, but they can't match the greats of yester-century. You also see a plethora of repeat storylines that seem stale compared to our innocent bra-and-panty match infested youth. Maybe years of viewing have finally left us tired of the squared circle. Unfortunately our only other option is growing up.
You Were Younger
The '90s were an era of looking up to players you were going to be someday. Now you have to accept the fact that the number of players younger than you will increase every year until it reaches 100 percent. The heroes of your youth will grow old, fat, handicapped (especially NFLers) and then dead. It's the BS cycle of life.
Lower Player Salaries
U.S. wages have stagnated since the 1980s while average athlete salaries have multplied by more than six times their '90 figures. In 1990, only one NBA player (Patrick Ewing) made over $4 million. Now the league average is $5.15M (more than 40 times higher) and trending up. Even if you adjust for inflation that's still (thinking...) an assload. When A-Rod signed a $252 million dollar contract in 2000, the middle class should've said "Screw this. I'm out." Instead in 2007, he got a raise from Brian Cashman and the Yankees. How's that working out?
Four-Year College Basketball Players
Yes, we're aware that KG and Kobe went pro straight out of high school. They were/are freaks. Every Kwame Brown and Eddy Curry thinks they're in the same class. You got to go to college for a year which means you see an absolute abundance of one-and-done college players (many of whom suck). It has diluted the college game. March, while still maddening, was ripe with missed free throws, aired jumpers, and generally crappy play. Now instead of underclassmen leaving being the exception (Chris Webber), it's the rule. Anyone with a chance at a lottery pick bolts. Like the last remaining dinosaurs, 'elite' upperclassmen are thinning. The beginning of the century saw Shane Battier's career come to a close. That was the end of the "old normal."
The George Michael Sports Machine
This brilliant Sunday evening local sports production went national in 1991. But like a locally owned pharmacy in a town getting a Walgreen's it was only a matter of time until extinction. 2007 was the end. Michael knew it was time to hang it up at an NBC affiliate that was slashing its sports budget. A lot of the personality of local sports coverage was put down by mega sports media complexes squeezing out every bit of competition. Like we mentioned in the video game slide, we had more options back in "the day." Today's kids have no idea what that was like.
Better Sports Movies
What would you rather watch: Trouble With the Curve or The Sandlot? Like Mike or Space Jam? The Blind Side or Little Giants? While you still get an occasional Miracle or Friday Night Lights, any cinema connoisseur will tell you that this century has absolutely reeked at the sports box office. It's a sad state when your top movie is about a gigantic dumbed down simpleton being turned into a first round tackle by a middle aged housewife. Seriously, give us Air Bud over that shit.
The Awesome Posters
Nothing made life worth living like falling asleep to a picture of Nolan Ryan decked out like a cowboy. In a pre-pubescent world our walls were plastered with pennants and posters depicting athletes in fictional movies or in space or whatever. Not only could you perfectly express who you are with a picture of a 400-foot tall Joe Montana but you could deck out your entire room for the price of one personality-less Fathead.
Jarring Hits Didn't Draw Flags
It's just a bummer to watch every hit that draws a fan reaction simultaneously draw a flag. In the '90s, Troy Aikman suffered concussions on several occassions, now he's saying today's generation should accept the risk. It could be that his brain is impaired from repeated traumatic blows or he could just realize the NFL's downfall is iminent with excessive litigation (it could also have to do with the fact that he works for the league). The moment when concussions sink the league will really make us miss the '90s. After all a Sunday packed with a nonstop lineup of MLS action will have us concussed from putting our heads through a wall.
You Were Playing Sports
We're going to assume that if you were born in the '80s or early '90s that you were active in a pee wee league at some point. Being an actual participant made loving the sport (whichever your sport was) a lot more sensical. Now you spend life in the stands, a permanent monument to your average genes. Rooting on strangers while they play a game isn't as fun as, you know, playing the game itself. Rec leagues and slow pitch softball will never stack up. Someone build a time machine already.
'90s Legends Never Die
Every era has its legends but the '90s featured the greatest hockey, basketball, and football players of all time. Through generations of coaching, improved training genetics, enough money to end offseason jobs, and a firmly established infrastructure (that's a big one) we finally got to see the maxed out capabilities of otherworldly athletes. Every era has its greats but watching Barry Sanders highlights makes us nostalgic. Everytime.
Steroids in Baseball
Watching a bunch of doped-up, sack-shrunken bashers—you see that bulge in Sosa's pants? Neither do we—gave us an early preview of baseball evolution. That was our era. It's not that we're arguing for them to bring steroids back, it's just that we miss this. You can hate on PEDs while still yearning for summer nights filled with chemically engineered, radioactive he-men that won't be caught up to by training for centuries. It was unique to watch a slap-hitter belt 50 bombs after adding 20 lbs. of rock in the offseason. Our childhoods may have been a lie but watching Jose Canseco smash a jamshot 480 feet was the (artificial) progression of baseball. We hated the means but loved the spoils. Like a mob wife shopping with blood money.
Tickets Were Cheaper
At the beginning of the '90s you could get a ticket to a MLB game for under six dollars. Now, that won't even get you a fuckin' beer. NFL tickets this year will be, on average, about $225. NHL prices were up almost 6 percent despite the lockout. The tickets are now over three times the cost of what they were at the beginning of the '90s. You'd think the NHL would reward fans who've loyally stuck with them through play stoppages (a constant that remained from the '90s) but you'd be a total sap if you did. Fan strikes can happen...only our heads.
Starter Jackets
If you were born in the '80s and finished up school in the worst economy since the Great Depression, you realized it was still worth it. It was worth it because you lived in the era of the Starter jacket. Nothing shouted "Get out the way!" like a pullover reppin' your favorite team with a gigantic pouch in the middle. That pouch was handy for storing everything from lunch money to Fruit by the Foot to pogs. Anyone who's ever trusted their back pocket not to be pickpocketed yearns for the days of that built-in fanny pack.
No Twitter
Not only did a Twitterless universe spare us from this. But without Twitter we only had to hear unenlightened fans if we chose to via AM radio. Have you ever been to the zoo on a "Free Wednesday" and had to deal with little kids screwing around and trashy adults taunting the animals? That's what Twitter is for sports. It doesn't mean we're mad at you for putting in your two cents (we could never be mad at you). Twitter just happens to shine a light on the truly horrible people in our society.
You saw it last year when San Francisco 49ers wideout Kyle Williams fumbled two punt returns in the NFC Championship Game. Now note the misspelled tweet up top (which you surely read before anything else on the screen). In this one tweet, Javier Pasquel exemplifies the annoyances created by overzealous sports "fans" on the social network. It's also just one of many examples of empty lived nuts using sports as an excuse to vent their frustrations. It makes you wonder what Bill Buckner would've had to deal with.
Congratulations Javier, your one tweet singlehandedly exemplified obnoxious, overreacting, tone-def dickweeds. You're also a ball-licking, puss-spewing little twat. We see the positive side of Twitter (a voice for everyone), we've gotten used to Twitter, we've accepted Twitter. We just pine for the days without it.
SportsCenter Was About Sports
Maybe it gets them ratings but damn are we sick of hearing about Tebow/LeBron/Red Sox/Lakers drama on loop. It's not even the biased sports coverage that gives us pounding headaches it's really the endless stream of stupid crap. You're lucky if you get three consecutive 20-second highlights before a human interest feature or hearing athlete reactions to any given story on Twitter. In the '90s they put the "Sports" in SportsCenter. Now it's just a gigantic mountain of PR, soft journalism, and self-created/hyped story arcs. You may not want to admit it but the shark has been jumped. It did a while ago.
