Image via Complex Original
What does your favorite childhood wrestler say about you? Today we answer the age old question. '90s wrestling was the pinnacle of the sport. With so many unique personalities and gimmicks it was impossible not to find somebody that you could identify with. So whether you backed Stone Cold because he talked back to authority, or Yokozuna because you were fat, we got you covered. The era was unique in the range of fighters taking to the squared circle. You had hillbillies, gigantic Samoans, sumos, they all combined to fill out Vince McMahon's colorful cast of characters.
Now we live in a bland P.C. era where uniqueness is marginalized. It's just generic character after generic character. Alberto Del Rio, Curtis Axel, and the now "fired" Cody Rhodes make up a roster nowhere near as diverse as the pre-21st century. Even Daniel Bryan, arguably the face of the WWE, failry mundane. We run through the past and examine how your current predicament is related to your preferred wrestling star. Who knows, if this is accurate we may have a future scamming the gullible as psychics. This is What Your Favorite Wrestlers From the '90s Say About You.
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"Macho Man" Randy Savage
Your charisma protrudes through everything you do. But your intensity scares the hell out of people who don't know you well. You've blown way too many opportunities in life with a misguided tone. You've been sent to rehab yet you don't do drugs. It's cost you in job interviews, friendships, and ruined the levity of every serious moment you've ever encountered. When you finally met the girl of your dreams, you played your game just right, got her in the bedroom and when she dropped her bra you exclaimed "Oooh yeah!" After that you logged onto Facebook, put in your password, and switched the status to: Single.
Kurt Angle
You buy into anything that's red, white, and blue and everyone that questions that is an enemy to everything you believe in. Now you probably spend your days deciding what's "real" or "not real" America. You have bumper stickers to tell the guy behind you what you think of everything from presidential birth certificates, to the NRA, or whatever else you heard on talk radio.
The Undertaker
In high school everybody was scared of you because you dressed in all black and constantly jotted in your notebook. When an emo-craze inexplicably hit you were introduced to a whole new world filled with babes who found you mysterious because you wore eyeliner. The darkness inside of you rages and occassionally manifests as vague rants about suicide that read like crappy poetry so your Facebook friends just ignore it.
Big Show
As a child you were big and misunderstood. When you played pee-wee football you had a stripe on your helmet and always had to block for the smaller kids. You had sideburns before a single kid in class had a pube, and believe it or not, that wasn't a virtue. Now as a grown-up you live in an area with an abundance of Sasquatch sightings, though, you never seem to see the creature yourself. Life as a gigantic lurch isn't all bad. Getting notes slapped on your back that said "Frankenstein" as a youth were worth it because chicks dig height.
Now you're tapping dimes that are notches above your pay grade, you dominate the rec league through sheer ownership of the paint and, best of all, little kids ask you for help when their cats are stuck in a tree.
Sable
Your hormones were raging but you had no idea what the hell they even were. All you knew is you got a funny feeling when Sable (and for some reason Triple H) came out of that tunnel. When she did Playboy your pants exploded. And when she married Brock Lesnar your heart sank. No woman will ever match your first crush but it's nothing a "used" copy on eBay and some scissors couldn't fix. Your wife won't understand, but something so complicated and romantic is nigh-impossible to comprehend. Also, you don't have a wife so who gives a fuck?
Roddy Piper
You've been to jail four times but your offenses are minor enough to get released due to overcrowding. At the bar you're always starting shit and constantly wait for the proper moment to bust out the bagpipes and start a drunken brawl. It may be someone who makes fun of your kilt or mocks your accent, anything to make the Piper proud.
You likely don't have a job, but if you do you're the office heel. As a secret Santa you buy intentionally crappy Christmas gifts. You cook disgusting shit in the microwave. And, when your badboy act worked on the confused young intern, you bragged to everyone in the office that you banged her. You're also the world's crappiest host, as people have stopped coming to your house due to your propensity to smash coconuts on the heads of your guests.
Ted DiBiase
When people say "life's tough" you think it's ironic. After all, your family had a four-car garage, and instead of buying school lunches for $1.50 you drank alcohol-free champagne and ate giraffe burgers. Now as a grown man your nepotism has gotten you a sweet gig on Wall Street, a flashy car, and women who overlook your flaws to get their hands on that platinum card. While everyone hates your circumstance they'd trade places in a second. That's why you spout that trademark laugh as you stiff them and write a dickish comment on their receipt.
Yokozuna
As the fat kid you had someone to look up to. Where else does a 600 lbs. man become champion? Unfortunately if you truly idolized Yokouzuna you're now in a bed forced to read this because you can't leave your room without removing a wall. A simple trip around the block would lose you the weight of two chihuahuas but the pressure would crush your ankles and you'd get a bill from the city to fix the sidewalk. We're giving you a wake up call because we care, but maybe a public shaming on Maurywill fix you right. Take it from the late Yokozuna himself, being carried around in a forklift is no way to go through life.
Owen Hart
Let's forget for a second that Owen died at the end of the decade due to a botched entry. In his prime he was a man to watch. To anyone out there who's experienced sibling rivalry the Harts were your onscreen representation. Even for brothers Owen and Bret seemed to feud a lot. If you envied Owen you were/are the younger bro trying to impress the hotshot older brother. You're the young'n hiding under the radar but you have the talent, moxie and will to not only push your elder sibling out of the limelight, but bash his head in with a telephone when nobody's looking as well.
Hulk Hogan
You're old school (or a bandwagoner). You were a "metro" before they had a term for it. You also used to hit the gym before it was overrun by crossfitters and yogis. That ground used to be sacred. Now it's filled with machine hoggers going for general "fitness" instead of getting swole.
That's if you remained a Hulkamaniac through his trials and tribulations. It's possible you jumped ship when you realized Terry Bollea couldn't live up to the god-fearing, vitamin-taking Hogan. He used steroids, cheated on his wife, and his son ended up in jail because he was a shit racer. Don't let Hulk's human side destroy what he taught you, brother! Remember the nostalgia, the good times, and respect a man whose dong has the girth of a coffee mug.
Shawn Michaels
The "Montreal Screwjob" shaped your outlook on life. To watch your favorite get jobbed in the spotlight made you realize no man is safe. Now you think everyone's out to get you. You listen to conspiracy theories from Alex Jones, surf the web peddling Dale Gribble-like apocalypse scenarios. You also keep the dirty jokes to yourself in the workplace (which is an actual good idea) because you never know when some brown nose is going to rat on you to the office Vince McMahon.
Kane
On casual Friday you come to work in red pajamas with a mask on. Everywhere you go you terrify the shit out of the public, intentionally or unintentionally (it doesn't really matter). You're a gigantic lurking behemoth who bought into the creepiest wrestler of the decade. If you ever opted to get back into the sport, hopefully it wasn't at this year's Summerslam where it seemed to be implied that the Wyatts had their way with Kane backstage. It's hard to think of him as the personification of evil when a family of hillfolk are running a train on his ass.
The Hardy Boyz
If you do exist, you're just a dick. Seriously, what's wrong with you?
Goldberg
Saying Jews can't be tough is an old played out stereotype. Goldberg proved that not all muscle was kosher. He was also the only thing keeping the WCW relevant in the late '90s amidst the WWF's "Attitude Era." If you backed Bill then you were someone who saw the potential in the underdog. Every year during March Madness you root for the lowest seed each round. You wanted nothing more than to see Boise St. get their shot against the SEC. And when the Cincinnati Bengals finally hoist a title, tears of joy will blur your vision.
Chyna
You like a woman that can squat more than you. Nothing, wrong with that. If you ever get mugged your lady will protect you (though, that makes you the damsel in distress). When you see female bodybuilders society mocks while you pitch a tent. While most who click here will get nauseous, your blood pressure just shot up and a cold sweat set in. Grab your stomach, make an uncomfortable face and head to the empty stall in the men's room. This is your time and it stays between you, Complex and the guy who thinks the appropriate way to check for a vacant toilet is to stare through the crack in the door.
Vince McMahon
The chairman was the manipulative heel everyone loved to hate (and, as you can see above, he still is). But some latched onto his constant dickishness. If someone leaves early on a Friday afternoon you tell on them. If someone trusts you with a secret, you blab to somebody. If you ever go to prison the warden will trust you to snitch on your contemporaries. Have you ever made a gag bet with a buddy? Say, you're watching the Super Bowl, he picks "Team A" and you pick "Team B." The loser has to blow the winner. It's all in good (weird) fun. If you truly idolized McMahon that only happens once because you're enforcing that wager, to your exasperated, confused and soon to be ex-pal.
Triple H
You've changed your identity more than you can remember. You were a preppie (see above), than an outlaw, than a company man. You went from ass-kissing socialites, to pedigreeing them, then back to schmoozing with them. Nobody has changed more than you.
Back in the day your entire philosophy on life could be summed up by the greatest catchphrase in WWE history: "Suck it." You told it to authority and got detentions. You told it to bullies and got your ass kicked. You told it to your parents and got grounded. It never seemed to work and destroyed your previously irreverent outlook. Don't be the type of person who gives up. Go up to your boss, tell him to "suck it" and see the results. If you're not promoted by the end of the week you can put it on us.
The Rock
You're fortunate, you also back the Red Sox, Heat, Crimson Tide and just discovered how much you always loved Russell Wilson (somehow things are all coming together). Be honest with yourself bro, you're a frontrunner who jumped on this Samoan the minute he turned popular. Now that he's a star you, along with 10 million other people, can say you discovered him before he was "big." You always root for the "good guy" and can be persuaded by a man with charisma to do anything. Anything.
Mankind
Mick Foley had character running out of his butthole. A true visionary for the sport of wrestling. As a Mankind fan you approved of depth and sophistication even if it was delivered to you via a smart assed sock puppet. Now life is just about procrastinating to write fairly sarcastic, cheapshot-filled lists on the Internet. If you were following Foley's dedication to his craft you hopefully go all out. Nobody (in an industry full of crazies) was as bonkers as Mick. And if you truly followed his vision you're either dead or a nurse is clicking through these slides for you.
Stone Cold Steve Austin
You yearn to tell your boss (or back in the day, your principal) to go to hell. Problem is you're too much of a poon to actually do it (and with bills and all, who could really blame you?). Now you sit in your cubicle waiting for the day you win the Powerball so you can burn some bridges via a log on your least-favorite co-worker's door handle. When the time comes, and it will, the opportunity to stunner the chief executive will present itself. If you can gain enough popularity amongst the masses the office will mutiny if you're fired.