Image via Complex Original
You've eaten hot dogs before. You've downed chips. And peanuts. And soda. All are staples of the ballpark diet. But for those who yearn for something new, nearly every stadium has a signature dish marketed to the adventurous, curious, and (most often) the morbidly obese. These delicacies range from pretzels that could satisfy a third world village to bacon served on a kabob. We guarantee that one of these 15 offerings will tempt you no matter how conscious you are of your waistline. If not, then at least you'll learn a lesson: our guarantees don't mean shit. Here are The Most Ridiculous Foods in Recent Stadium History.
Bats and Balls
Stadium: Ogren Park Allegiance Field (Missoula, Montana)
Price: $6
Year introduced: Pre-1999
The bats? That's the Missoula Ospreys colorful way of saying "French fries." The balls? Those are more literal, as they used to belong in a bull's scrotum. We're not sure who the first man to castrate a bull, deep fry his nuts, and then put them in his mouth was, but he's either an innovator or a sick, twisted son of a bitch. There's a very, very thin line between the two, but his discovery does have us wondering which creature has the tastiest nuggets in the animal kingdom.
*stares at neighbor's cat through window*
Baseball's Best Burger
Stadium: GCS Ballpark (Sauget, Illinois)
Price: $4.50
Year introduced: 2006
Have you ever wanted to have diabetes? No? Well then it might be wise to avoid this offering from the Gateway Grizzlies that puts your standard bacon cheeseburger between two Krispy Kreme donuts. While you may wonder why somebody would try this, minor league baseball is all about generating publicity and concocting attractions that'll keep your organization from bankruptcy filings. This undoubtedly worked as—not only has this recipe been emulated—but it also got Sauget, Illinois attention from the likes of ESPN.
Alligator Sausage
Stadium: Mercedes-Benz Superdome (New Orleans, Louisiana)
Price: Unknown
Year introduced: Unknown
Your whole life you've probably just been relegated to eating stupid grazing animals (cows, chickens, pigs) that serve no purpose other than to be eaten or provide blood for PETA to dump on people who eat them. Devouring animals at the top of the food chain is a luxury reserved for the one percent, or so we thought. If you want to eat an alligator (which is apparently somewhat common in the south) you should venture to the bayou where you're free to salute the apex predator by putting some onions and mustard on him before delivering a taste of his own medicine.
The Yankees slider bucket.
Location: Yankee Stadium (New York, New York)
Price: $20
Year introduced: 2011
The franchise that was put on the map by Babe Ruth now wants you to don the physique of their favorite fatass Hall of Famer. And in a league that charges a dozen dollars for a beer, this bucket seems surprisingly reasonable. At first.
For $20 you get five sliders plus a pound of French fries, and if you pay with a MasterCard they also give you a free liter of Pepsi. But most good things have a catch, and this is no different as the Yankees make their money back by cleaning up on rental charges for use of the stadium defibrillator.
The Pulled Pork Parfait
Stadium: Miller Park (Milwaukee, Wisconsin)
Price: $7
Year introduced: 2011
It may look like Dairy Queen, but that presentation's as deceiving as Ryan Braun. It's not pulled pork and ice cream, it's pulled pork and mash potatoes. If you've ever seen the citizens of Wisconsin, it should all make sense now.
Bacon on a Stick
Stadium: Camden Yards (Baltimore, Maryland) (Also available at several other stadiums.)
Price: $5
Year introduced: Pre-2012
Two simple concepts: bacon and sticks. For centuries man wondered how they could be combined (or if it was even possible). Then, sometime around 2012, it just clicked when the Steve Jobs of the ballpark concessions world invented this current ballpark staple (which you could make in your own house for about 30 cents).
Murph-a-dilla
Stadium: Globe Life Park (Arlington, Texas)
Price: $26
Year introduced: 2013
Beef, jalapenos, and Doritos, all served on a Quesadilla the size of King Kong's dick. This monstrosity was named after former outfielder David Murphy (because it was reportedly his favorite food) and will run you at least an additional 30 bucks to cover the bottled water you'll need in the boiling Texas sun.
Frozen Beer Foam
Stadium: Dodger Stadium (Los Angeles, California) (Now available at several other stadiums.)
Price: $10
Year introduced: 2013
Have you ever wasted $10 on a stadium beer only to have it go warm in the blistering summer sun? Well, thanks to Japanese beer company Kirin you now have the opportunity to waste your money on a beer that stays cold. While the picture makes it look amazing, keep in mind that it's just frozen foam and not a beer slushie. Essentially it's just a really foamy beer that apparently makes you wait up to a half-an-hour before you can penetrate. We'll let you make your own joke on that one.
Twinkie Dogs
Stadium: C.O. Brown Stadium (Battle Creek, Michigan)
Price: As shown, (meaning with whip cream and a cherry) $3.75.
Year introduced: 2013
Two ambiguous foods with mystery ingredients, this offering from the Battle Creek Bombers combines the snout of a pig (hot dogs) with the sperm of Willy Wonka (Twinkie frosting). When Hostess went out of business, the world seemed to be forever robbed of this mash-up.
Tampa Bay offers a four pound burger.
Stadium: Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay, Florida)
Price: $30
Year introduced: 2014
A burger so big it could satisfy the masses at Burning Man, this four-pound colossus invokes the spirit of food challenges nationwide. If you (and you alone) manage to avoid pulling your jaw and finish this behemoth, management will reward you with free tickets to a Rays game. If you fail, management will punish you with free tickets to two Rays games.
The Chessie
Stadium: Byrd Stadium (College Park, Maryland)
Price: $17.50
Year introduced: 2014
A 24 oz. pretzel smothered in crab dip, we're skeptical you could both eat this and fit in a stadium seat. This hybrid can feed up to four people, unless you made the drive north from West Virginia (in which case you'll likely have to order seconds).
Bloody Mary Cocktail
Stadium: Target Field (Minneapolis, Minnesota)
Price: $18
Year introduced: 2014
Did you ever want a bacon cheeseburger to drip into your Bloody Mary? Considering all the shit that's in this V8 of alcoholic beverages, it doesn't really matter.
Auger Dogger
Stadium: Fifth Third Ballpark (Comstock Park, Michigan)
Price: Unknown
Year introduced: 2014
If you're a middle school graduate, it's likely you can guess the inspiration behind this. If only you could've known that your horny adolescent mind was onto a million-dollar idea.
The White Sox offer a three pound banana split.
Stadium: U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago, Illinois)
Price: $17
Year introduced: 2014
As a kid this was probably your dream. But then you grew up, got a job and had kids. Now all your dreams are crushed. It's probably for the better as we're guessing there's no way to eat three pounds of ice cream before it melts into a chocolate puddle in the middle of the hot Chicago summer (the only time when it's available).
Bacon Mac and Cheeseburger
Stadium: U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago, Illinois)
Price: $10
Year introduced: 2014
All we can really hope is that it's more appetizing than it looks. If you offer to buy a friend lunch and accidentally sneeze into his burger, you now have an alibi.