Image via Complex Original
PEDs are the new norm. Like a person with an associate's degree, or a driver lacking GPS they're going nowhere. It's an unfortunate side effect to living in an era with the Internet, digital cable, and smartphones. Take the bad with the good. But what about performance diminishing drugs? Some guys are used to balancing substance abuse with the rigors of professional athleticism. From the days of Babe Ruth, to Ricky Williams testing piss cups with dope, to Lawrence Taylor's nose keeping Colombia's economy from collapsing. Using drugs when you have a day off is different than getting lit before the opening snap, whistle, pitch, or whatever. Surely, no one would be so careless with their career that they'd do that. Wrong! (Or right, depending on what you guessed).
Nothing makes you feel like a bigger piece of crap then the fact that these guys succeeded high as a fuckin' jet. While your high school career saw your batting average hovering around the Mendoza line, or you struggled to be a sixth man these guys snorted (or blazed) pregame and still gelled with the best on the planet. In fairness this is probably more common than you'd think, but these are just the guys who admitted it. If everyone was as honest, this slideshow would've taken three years to complete. Anyway, here's A History of Athlete Performances on Recreational Drugs.
Babe Ruth sets the standard for all other drinkers to live by.
Year(s): 1914-1935
Parents who tell their kids about how many home runs "The Babe" would've hit if he didn't begin his career as a pitcher probably only do so because they don't want to explain what he was able to do after a few brews. After all, Major League Baseball was his Beer League. It's insane that he could be plastered and still able to be one of the great athletes of all time (especially considering that he was a freakin' balloon). LeBron spends more time in bed than Snow White, averaging 12 hours of sleep a night. Babe was a pig with chicken legs sustaining on whiskey and hot dogs.
We're not sure if that entitles him to less respect, or more. But, what it does raise is some interesting differences in the phony outrage of modern life. We live in an era where Rob Gronkowski gets called out for dancing with his shirt off. So what would happen if a modern day Babe Ruth (let's call him Miguel Cabrera) was so shithoused that he needed to use his bat as a cane to make it to the plate without collapsing?
Bobby Layne pulls a "Ron Artest" 25 years before Ron Artest is born.
Year(s): 1948-1958
Bobby Layne was a post-World War II era quarterback for the Detroit Lions in a game that would look unrecognizable to most NFL fans of today. The passing era was especially different considering that Layne's 196 career touchdowns to 243 career interceptions got him into the Hall of Fame. Many of you may read those numbers and scoff at Layne's ability (or, if you're a New York Giants fan you probably said "Yeah, so what?"). But that's pretty impressive considering he was sneaking swigs of alcohol in the midst of halftime speeches. Nobody cares because Layne won three titles, in fact he led the NFL punching bag that is Motown to their last championship in 1957, proving that when you drink and win you're "enigmatic," and if you drink and lose you're a dickhole who wastes his talents.
Fred "Fuzzy" Thurston stays warm with vodka.
Year(s): 1967
Usually, a Fuzzy Thurston involves a fifth of Jack and an Armenian man's unshaved butt. But, did you know it was also a Packers offensive lineman from 1958 to 1967? The infamous "Ice Bowl" between the Green Bay Packers and the Dallas Cowboys took place on New Years Eve 1967 in arctic temperatures that would make an eskimo cringe (-15 degrees farenheit with a wind chill of -48). In a pre-Under Armour era, Fuzzy Thurston opted for alcoholic anti-freeze by pounding 10 vodkas (which supposedly worked for a chef on the Titanic) prior to game time.This probably didn't happen because there's no reports of him getting 50 false starts, but we have no doubt that he aided his quarterback by pregaming like your buddies in college. Anyway, he retired a few weeks later, opened up a bar, and,had to sell his prized possessions to pay Uncle Sam.
Mickey Mantle swings at the middle of three balls.
Year(s): 1963
You may notice that there's a lot of baseball players on this list. That's because of the boredom that comes with a 162-game season. Mickey Mantle was a notorious boozer which makes his on-field accomplishments all the more impressive. Unfortunately, it also damaged his liver beyond repair. In 1963, after returning from a broken foot that sidelined him for three weeks, Mickey was called upon to pinch-hit late in a ballgame. His recollection of the at-bat was that he saw three balls coming and swung at the middle one resulting in a bomb. If ever your future ballplayer is struggling at the dish sneak some Jack into his All Sport and watch him either bash a home run or get taken away from you and put into a foster home. Who cares? Most of those Little League World Series kids look old enough to drink anyways.
Dock Ellis no-hits the Padres on LSD.
Year: 1970
The key to having a truly memorable pitching performance is doing drugs like Jesse Pinkman before you take the bump. Dock Ellis was scheduled to toe the rubber against the San Diego Padres for a Friday night game. So he figured that he was good to take a hit of LSD on the Thursday before. According to his recollection he took a hit around noon. An hour and a half later his friends' girlfriend enlightened him that it was actually Friday and he was due to pitch in four hours. To us it sounds like a "Don't Do Drugs" setup, but days switching may just be a fairly routine problem for those who drop acid.
During the outing Ellis claimed that he couldn't "feel the ball [or] see the batter and catcher." He threw a no-hitter whilst plunking a couple Padres and walking eight. In a couple of memorable hallucinations Ellis "saw" Richard Nixon as the home plate umpire and Jimi Hendrix as a batter using a guitar as a lumber substitute. We'd be more impressed by Dock's performance if it came against anyone except the 1970 Padres who finished 39 games out of first place.
Bernie Carbo loads up on weed.
Year(s): 1975
Anybody familiar with Bernie Carbo cannot possibly be shocked at his inclusion on the list. After all, this is a man who was caught trading baseballs to the Red Sox faithful for "baggies of marijuana," and also claimed while playing the outfield, it looked like the stars were falling out of the sky.
The most memorable moment of an otherwise mediocre career came when Carbo took the "ugliest swing" Johnny Bench had ever seen and mashed a pinch hit three-run dinger in the 8th inning of Game Six in the 1975 Fall Classic. Carlton Fisk's dramatic walk-off that he guided around the foul pole in the same game was more memorable, but never would've happened if not for Carbo's clutch shot. So how did Carbo approach the biggest AB of his life? High as a mofo.
Thirty-five years later, Carbo admitted "I probably smoked two joints, drank about three or four beers, got to the ballpark, took some [amphetamines], took a pain pill, drank a cup of coffee, chewed some tobacco, had a cigarette, and got up to the plate and hit.'' He would've taken batting practice that day except that it was held at Tufts University and he couldn't find the place. We're guessing that was due to the same reason.
Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson does blow during the Super Bowl.
Year(s): 1979
Thomas Henderson was a linebacker with speed well ahead of his time. He could run a 40 somewhere between 4.3 and 4.6 seconds, and a 100 in 9.5. In techinical terms that is "fast as fuck." His speed wasn't only relegated to his legs it was also being ingested up his nose. By 1979 he was snorting "liquid coke" from an inhaler concealed in his pants (a.k.a. rock bottom). That was also the year of Super Bowl XIII (which is, uh, hold on...13), a Super Bowl in which Henderson claimed to snort coke in-between plays to "anesthetize" his face (though that may just be something addicts tell themselves). A couple years later he was out of the NFL and has claimed to be sober for the past thirty years. His legacy lived on and his number 56 was chosen by Lawrence Taylor, as a completely appropriate tribute.
Gary McClain meets the President on coke.
Year(s): 1981-1985
Former Villanova national champ Gary McClain started doing drugs in middle school. It only exacerbated in high school and then college where he was high on coke during the Wildcats charge to the eventual '85 National Championship. McClain was high during their Final Four matchup against Memphis State but at least had the good sense to avoid powder during their unlikely upset over Georgetown in the title game. That gave the squad an obligatory visit to the Reagan White House. The irony of First Lady Nancy Reagan's "Just Say No," campaign was evident to McClain, or at least it would've been if he wasn't high as a damn kite and actually knew what was going on around him. All in all, McClain and his teammates proved that winners do indeed use drugs as he confessed that coach Rollie Massimino was aware of his usage of blow and that many other players on the champs did it with silent consent from the mentor.
Tim "Rock" Raines lives up to his nickname.
Year(s): 1982
Believe it or not Tim Raines got the nickname "Rock" before he became addicted to crack/cocaine. The odds of that were about the same as him getting crushed to death by a giant boulder. But, it really just makes it make more sense. Raines was forced to testify in September of 1985 at "The Pittsburgh drug trials," an inquiry into coke usage in baseball. Raines stated that he had a gram of crack in his jersey pocket and that he slid head first to avoid breaking the vial.
Keith Hernandez does his best to fit in in New York.
Year(s): 1982-1985
Baseball seems like a game where you really, really have to focus. With pitches clocked at 100 MPH, and line drives shot at an even higher speed you'd think that drugs and baseball would mix like India and Pakistan. That's why it's so confusing to see this list loaded with baseball players who like to get, uh, loaded. Keith Hernandez, former Mets legend and current Mets broadcaster, admitted to snorting coke prior to games. He too was forced to testify in "The Pittsburgh trials," where he estimated that 40 percent of baseball players were snorting their paychecks, before quickly backtracking. To be fair to Hernandez and his fellow MLBers, it was the '80s. Now, if that spot where that gorgeous 'stache used to live is still sporting drug residue then we'll cast the first stone or, more probably, still won't give a shit.
Andre the Giant downs a crate of wine.
Year: The '80s
What Joey Chestnut is to hot dogs, Andre the Giant is to alcohol. Remeber that for your SAT prep. Legend has it that the 7'5" behemoth consumed enough, daily, to kill an entire frathouse. The rare time he passed out came after 119 beers which is enough to kill a frath--wait a sec--(long pause) King Kong, or some shit. Those 119 beers were downed over the course of six hours on a road trip.
His love for adult beverages wasn't reserved for either beer, or long roadtrips. For example,
Andre, allegedly, downed 16 bottles of wine before taking the squared circle at Madison Square Garden. We say "allegedly" because that's the type of thing that can't be believed unless you actually view it. After all, you can't even drink a gallon of milk in one sitting (feel free to try). More impressively nobody could even tell in his three matches that night. If 16 bottles of wine was ever not going to kill someone it'd be Andre who was every bit the giant that promoters billed him as.
Oil Can Boyd frequently pitched on coke.
Year(s): 1982-1991
Dennis Boyd claimed to use crack cocaine every day of the Red Sox's magical 1986 season (In fact, he claimed to use it since Little League). During that year he won a career-high 16 games despite losing 40 pounds. He claims that Red Sox management condoned it and never tested him because he was forthright about the vice. Okay, so they knew. That explains why he missed his scheduled start in Game 7 of the '86 Series, because the Red Sox at least had the sense to not start a freakin' junkie in Boston's biggest game in 68 years. They lost anyway and Bill Buckner became the target of Beantown's ire. So where was Boyd on that fateful night? "Down the street at the crack house."
Todd Marinovich: Backfired plans.
Year(s): 1992-2000
The man was bred to be an quarterback from conception by his extremely controlling father. When he went to birthday parties as a kid he brought his own cake and ice cream to "avoid sugar and white flour." He also did push ups and lifted medicine balls before he could walk. That's a small sample of strict guidelines that would take five slides to detail.
These rules explain why he snapped in high school and started drinking and smoking pot daily. When he went to USC his drug usage only intensified. Marinovich was a "can't miss" prospect who was drafted by the Raiders and missed badly. He was doing heroin at halftime and LSD postgame. It didn't take long for him to use his way out of the league.
At 31 he became a "rookie' in the Arena League where he dominated despite severe heroin withdrawls. Before a game, where he reached double digit passing touchdowns, he laid a mud monkey in his pants during warmups. Again, since this is really just a tutorial on parenting, think about the story of Todd Marinovich and how his father's overbearing domineering pushed him to a life of drugs before you get strict with your future kid. Whether he's playing video games, sleeping too late or smoking crack, just cut him some slack lest he turn into a future drug abuser.
John Daly golfs better drunk.
Year(s): 1987-2010
We know it says "Athlete Performances" but we'll put a golfer in anyway. It's due to the respect we have for one of the great drinkers of all-time. How legendary a drinker is Daly? Well, for one he has his own beverage named after him. Daly's drink all day and then drink while gambling all night lifestyle puts the rest of us to shame. While we go through a 40-hour work week for an occassionally memorable weekend he's on a constant whatever-the-fuck-I-want bender that's as impulsive as it is entertaining.
Daly claims he "played better [when] he was drunk." A theory: It's all mental. As Tiger's dick has proved a man can't focus on the links if he's not content. Daly's antics may have contributed to some drunken bouts but he won two PGA Majors and four events overall when he was tanked. Plus, if ever there was a game that needed more entertaining characters...
Boomer Wells throws the game of his life while drunk.
Year(s): 1998
In fairness David Wells (ironically pictured above being hoisted by both Darryl Strawberry and saluted by Tim Raines) said he was only "half-drunk," after an all-night bender at a Saturday Night Live casting party. That goes with the territoy of a massive market. It isn't something that would happen in say, Anaheim.
But the next day he was facing the Minnesota Twins (70-92) so sobriety didn't really seem like a big deal. His eyes were bloodshot, his head was pounding, and he was sporting the cap of another aforementioned and bloated Yankee legend, Babe Ruth. He was woken an hour after going to sleep, at 6 a.m., by his son. His pregame bullpen session sucked so badly that he hucked a ball into the stands. And yet he went 27 up and 27 down on the Minnesotans. The self-revelation from Wells was another punch to the kidneys of the '98 Twins who now have to suffer the eternal shame of getting blanked in every column by a heavyset sluggard who could barely stand up straight.
Keon Clark "Never played a game sober."
Year(s): 1998-2004
Keon Clark is yet another athlete to fall prey to booze. At a court hearing he claimed to be a recovering alcoholic who "drank at halftime," and never played any of his 353 career games sober. Clark claimed to drink a half-pint to a pint of gin a day which would partially explain why he led the league in personal fouls per minute (an unofficial stat) in 2002. What it doesn't explain is his career field goal percentage being 50 percent, or how he had the hand-eye coordination to swat 12 shots on March 23, 2001 despite the fact that he didn't even start the game.
Ron Artest sips cognac at halftime.
Year(s): 1999-2002
With him you really couldn't tell. But during his early days with the Chicago Bulls, the artist formerly known as Ron Artest admitted to hitting up a nearby liquor store to sip Hennessy during halftime in the United Center. While many would worry about their forward sipping cognac in action those Bulls teams were "led" by Tim Floyd who was so totally unprepared for the NBA that many observers probably thought he was the drunk instead.
To nobody's shock Mike Tyson admits to boxing while high.
Year(s): 2000-2004
Mike Tyson wasn't ever a beacon of professionalism but a new memoir will now tell the story about how he went full-Onterrio Smith and circumvented drug tests by using a fake dick filled with someone else's urine (Seriously, how much more can he have left to reveal at this point?). Remember that press conference where he threatened to rape a guy in the crowd? Well, it all makes sense now.
Mike Cameron knocks in eight runs while drunk.
Year(s): 2000s
In front of the nation's biggest market Cameron went: 4-for-4, with two home runs and eight RBIs. What was Cameron's secret? Tipped pitches? Steak dinner? Steroids? Well, if you read our headline you already know that he was sauced (oh, and probably also number three). He also claimed that this wasn't his first bout with alcohol infused hardball, but rather just the greatest of his performances while buzzed.
'04 Red Sox take shots, complete unprecedented comeback.
Year(s): 2004
The biggest comeback in MLB Playoff history occurred in 2004. You, and the next 100 years of sports fans, know that because it was the Boston Red Sox and they've perfected the art of victimized boasting. The squad that came back from down 3-0 to the "rival" Yankees were rumored to pregame for the biggest contests of their lives by taking shots of Jack Daniels (or Mama Juana if you believe Pedro). They took shots prior to Games 6 and 7 of the ALCS and then every single game of the 2004 World Series against St. Louis.
The result? A perfect 6-0 run that culminated with their first title in 86 years. Okay, so technically they weren't drunk but we're going to claim that taking the edge off capped the insufferable streak; and perhaps if Calvin Schiraldi was tanked he wouldn't of choked away Game 6 and made Bill Buckner Boston's greatest villain since Whitey Bulger.