Image via Complex Original
You're at a club, you're with your friends and you're having a good time. All a sudden Brian Scalabrine comes in waving his big rock, and the club takes notice. Dudes pull out their smartphones and start trolling for pictures, while the more subtle men take stealth shots. Whatever girl you were talking to bails for the newly crowned king. Congrats, you've just experienced a downfall of living in a big city.
There's a few things that separate the athlete club experiencee from yours/ours. For one, they arrive with fellow players and celebrities in tow. We show up with family, friends and coworkers, all of whom constantly make us wish we were rich and famous. Two, when they show up at the club the prestige rises. While you wait in line for a $20 cover they get a roped off VIP section and complimentary drinks/house bottle service nightly. Some dude wearing a jersey with their name on it offers to buy drinks because of that [insert big shot, hit, catch, or goal]. Three, they've never had to wait around for the 2 AM bottom of the barrel. While you're trying to discern whether or not that's an Adam's apple, they've high-tailed it for a limo ride with porn star lookalikes. And we mean that as a compliment. Good porn stars. The type that make this list.
All good reason to bounce if you see a pro sportsman role in. Don't stick around and pester them for pictures. You're a grown man. Don't worry about being pictured with other grown men (though don't let that stop you from snapping a pic for DrunkAthlete.com). Plus if you're with your girlfriend, there's something about a famous dude waving massive amounts of cash around that makes a data entry specialist look less accomplished. Just a friendly heads-up. Anyway, here's Your Favorite Athletes Clubbing.
Few have the courage...
Athlete: Dennis Rodman
Even fewer pull it off.
How is she cool with that?
Athlete: Shawne Merriman
If she's not mad, how can we that woman behind her be?
When this duo hits the scene, get your girlfriend out of there.
Athlete: Derek Jeter
Taken five seconds before a leg drop.
Athlete: Kris Humphries Hulk Hogan
We don't know how, but we're sure this advances her career in some way.
Tyler Hansbrough drinks out of a bag.
Athlete: Tyler Hansbrough
Interesting style choice.
Uh, are you sure you're cool to drive, man?
Athlete: Michael Jordan
He's got that flu game look going.
Babe Ruth would be proud.
Athlete: Jason Giambi
Of the booze, not the, uh, steroids.
Go for broke.
Athlete: Allen Iverson
We're thinking this entourage may have had something to do with his bankruptcy.
Dwyane Wade casually one ups LeBron.
Athlete: Dwyane Wade
The Big Three.
You'd be freaked out too.
Athlete: Dirk Nowitzki
If a seven foot tall lion-man with Forrest Gump posture and a deep German accent was heading your way.
There are two types of people in the club scene.
Athlete: Kevin Durant & Matt Kemp
Those who get pointed at in club photos, and those who do the pointing.
Partying with Rick Ross and Drake.
Athlete: Johnny Manziel
Makes us nostalgic for our college days.
It's good to be the King.
Athlete: LeBron James
Or so we're told.
The other Jay Cutler.
Athlete: Jay Cutler
So, if he gets unruly...what exactly does the bouncer do?
Think of this...
Athlete: Aaron Rodgers
Whenever an athlete gets injured, eliminated from the playoffs, etc. and the announcer says "You really gotta feel bad for a guy like [blank]." Oh, and also when they say Aaron Rodgers is gay. (Not including Pic 3).
Clubbin' with Big Ben.
Athlete: Ben Roethlisberger
What could go wrong?
Giving hope to average schlubs everywhere.
Athlete: Tony Romo
Provided you have a laser arm and $50 million in the bank.
The difference between an athlete and a nerd.
Athlete: Russell Westbrook
If he's 5'3" instead of 6'3".
Excellent role model for the Kidds.
Athlete: Jason Kidd
^ Before. After.
You want women to approach you at the bar?
Athlete: Reggie Miller
Learn to hit some fuckin' three pointers.
Manti Te'o with...okay we get it by now.
Athlete: Manti Te'o
Somewhere Ronaiah Tuiasasopo is smiling. And that somewhere is directly to Manti's right after $100K in plastic surgery.
Fastest man in the world.
Athlete: Usain Bolt
And he can't escape the paparazzi.
The one perk of being a nobody.
Athlete: Alex Rodriguez
When we go out, we don't have to deal with this shit.
A half-asleep Vince Young dances shirtless at a sausage fest.
Athlete: Vince Young
Showing Vince Young how to go shirtless.
Athlete: James Harden
Not another dude in the picture.
On life support from dehydration.
Athlete: J.R. Smith
If J.R. Smith is thirsting on Rihanna, then what is that dude on the left?
Put into perspective, it's not too bad.
Athlete: Rob Gronkowski
Remember when ESPN considered Rob Gronkowski the Patriots "problem tight end" because of this?
The gold standard.
Athlete: Gijs Van Hoecke (Belgian cyclist)
We may be stretching it with the "favorite athlete" description. But these pics, from the 2012 Olympics, are worth listing.