Image via Complex Original
You probably have a lot of fun with Instagram, but there are only so many gourmet cupcakes and elegantly garnished cocktails to give the Valencia treatment to. If you had a pile of disposable income and a more inflated sense of self worth, you'd turn your lame feed into a steady collection of "Popular" page bangers.
Cue today's professional athletes, most of which have an ego that's outpaced only by their far-reaching line of available credit. While you frame an $8 Moscow Mule, they're giving the Willow filter to a bottle service receipt. When you share a selfie behind the wheel of your mom's 2005 Ford Windstar, they're having their butler take angled pics of a brand new Maybach. What are people like Kobe Bryant and Victor Cruz usually up to with their iPhone? Find out with A Guide to the Day-to-Day Lives of Your Favorite Athletes via Instagram.
RELATED: Gallery: What Your Favorite Athletes Will Be Doing This Summer
A Visit to the Gym
Usual suspects: LeBron James, Deron Williams, Usain Bolt
Typical caption: "Just got done at the gym #beastmode"
Since you're at a filthy Bally's and can barely press the bar, there's not a whole lot to brag about during your workout. Professional athletes on the other hand have wind crafted obliques and enough protruding muscle to warrant a TSA pat-down, so naturally their Instagram feed is heavy with post-workout, shirtless selfies. But LeBron, keep it tight a few years after retirement, then we'll be impressed.
Let Everyone Know What Time It Is
Usual suspects: Vontae Davis, Carmelo Anthony
Typical caption: "Which one? How 'bout both, LOL!"
A watch is one of the world's oldest status symbols and Instagram is the newest way to be an overcompensating jerk-off. If you want to let the world know that you're shallow AND have a small penis, simply add a Mayfair filter to a $65K Audemars Piguet.
#TBT
Usual suspects: Mike Tyson, Dwyane Wade, Tony Hawk
Typical caption: "Simpler times #TBT"
Ah, remember the good ol' days when a convicted rapist and second degree murderer could share a poignant moment near a haystack? Good times. We're sure these guys are still the best of friends.
Throwback Thursday is a blast from the past to the simpler days, before athletes were famous millionaires with a public image to maintain. Peep the #TBT of D-Wade for example. On the right, he's cool, with a fancy watch and posing like he's seen one too many Calvin Klein ads. On the left, he's just another kid with a bowtie and a gold chain.
Style On 'Em
Usual suspects: Russell Westbrook, Kevin Durant, Michelle Wie
Typical caption: "Take notes. #mensfashion"
If they aren't going to pay you to model, just do it on your own. That's the self-starting mentality that you'd expect from one of the league's best point guards. Besides, in this past year, who have you seen more outfits on? Russell Westbrook or Tyson Beckford? Exactly. SportsCenter is rapidly becoming more about brand-building than sports, and lookin' like E.T. in leather capri pants gets more attention than a no-look pass.
Share Your Love for Jordans
Usual suspects: Chris Paul, Victor Cruz, Nate Robinson
Typical caption: "No lines, just laces. #Jumpman #Retro"
Nothing says you've made it quite like hundreds of pairs of foot warmers. Some athletes have veritable museums to pay tribute to a living legend's clothing line. Make your own judgment. As a publication that depends on your willingness to overpay, over-collect, and overindulge in sneakers, we downright appreciate this kind of zealotry. But—cot damn—if you can go four straight years without repeating kicks, you might have a problem.
Show Off Your New Ink
Usual suspects: Colin Kaepernick, Kobe Bryant, JR Smith
Typical caption: "Mr. Jinx you were not only the best dog but my best friend 2. U'll b w/ me always. #RIP #respect"
If you have a buddy with ratchet ink, you know what it means to bite your lip. That horrendous blotch that looks like cat diarrhea might be a tribute to the grandfather that just lost a two-year bout with colon cancer. To you, this looks like a guy who stained his body, but at least it's not your body that was vandalized. Comment wisely.
When In Doubt, Straight Cash
Usual suspects: Floyd Mayweather
Typical caption: "Countin my green, I think I need a ladder."
It's good to know that some athletes can stay grounded and relate to us. Like, when we struggle to make rent, clip coupons, and pay $35 to park in a stadium lot, at least we know that sacrifice is going to something important.
Remind the World You Hang Out With Famous People
Usual suspects: Cristiano Ronaldo, Serena Williams, Floyd Mayweather
Typical caption: "Look who I just bumped into."
If you saw Kate Upton at the supermarket, you'd penetrate her small army of body guards to take a pic and spice up your roll. Shit man, Rick Moranis would probably be a solid 50 likes banger. But athletes have access and exposure, which makes things easier. While you have your eye blackened by an annoyed Frankie Muniz in the deli line, Cristiano Ronaldo's posing with Rihanna, Serena Williams is being snapped with a noseless Kim Kardashian, and Floyd Maymeather's making up the left half of a d-bag sandwich. This can't be life.
Show Off the New Whip
Usual suspects: Paul George, Jimmie Johnson, Floyd Mayweather
Typical caption: "What do you think of the new wheels?"
Any athlete that would bother with Instagram loves attention. That means their rides are usually ridiculous and you'll be seeing wayyy more than your fair share of tricked out whips. It also provides the bankruptcy courts with a pretty solid idea of their assets. Today's #humblebrag is tomorrow's evidence.
Make It Rain In the Strip Club
Usual suspects: Floyd Mayweather, James Harden, Josh Sale
Typical caption: "Handful of stacks. U better grab an umbrella!"
Usually strip clubs frown upon cameras on the premises, but when you're carrying 25 stacks and are prepared to throw it all away (literally), the bouncer with neck tats will cut you some slack. While you get the B-team, complete with a Combos breath and a cesarean scar, Adam Jones gets the two-on-one fully bottomless. SMH. Try not to take it personal.
A Prequel to Bankruptcy
Usual suspects: Floyd Mayweather
Typical caption: "Just shut down the bank!!!"
If there's an ostentatious trend on Instagram, Floyd Mayweather's a part of it (his nickname is "Money" after all). But that type of gaudy display is risky when your peak earning years are over by your forties (oh, and when you get your head smashed in for a living, hospital bills aren't cheap). Pics like this will only become fodder for ridicule when that bank account hits the red and your entourage disperses. Just be forewarned, stacking half a million dollars on 50 Cent may not be the best use for your dough. We're just looking out for you, Floyd. Photographic irony lives forever and we don't want to see you boxing a kangaroo in a Fox special someday.
But still, Floyd's has to step his game up to catch this kid.
Remind the World Your Life's Awesome
Usual suspects: Paul Bissonnette, Mario Balotelli, Carmelo Anthony
Typical caption: "Doing what I do."
For the world to remember how awesome you are, you have to remind it frequently. So that means posting pictures when you're at a club, sitting poolside, kicking it with a hot girl, buying a new Cartier bracelet, waking up in a new Buggatti, making out with Wayne Gretzky's daughter, sitting passenger side in Justin Bieber's car... you get the idea. People can't want to be you if they don't know how rich you are and how desperate gorgeous women are to snap a picture with you. Thanks for reminding us fellas. We totally hope you don't develop throat HPV from sharing a chalice with Michael Douglas.
Troll For Thirst In the Comments Section
Usual suspects: Stephanie Rice, Alana Blanchard, Lindsey Vonn
Typical caption: "Check out the new line."
First off, don't say that you're "modeling" someone's swimsuit to divert suspicion. We know that you're just jonesing for compliments. As a swimmer, Stephanie Rice doesn't have the opportunity to bare her midsection all that often so please, FOR THE LOVE OF BASED GOD, tell her she looks good! Apparently gold medals aren't validation enough.
Report Live From the Club
Usual suspects: DeSean Jackson, DeMarcus Cousins, Adrien Broner
Typical caption: "Ain't nobody fuckin' wit my clique."
If you're at a club and this crew rolls in, here's a helpful tip: leave. All the dimes are going to flock to the overly filtered pack of athletes with inexplicable flashes in their faces. If your new girlfriend's one of them, stay at your own risk. The glare from that $20,000 gold chain is a mighty aphrodisiac.
Show 'Em How You Eat
Usual suspects: Everyone
Typical caption: "'Bout to pound some grub"
Athletes are just like all your friends on Facebook, sometimes they can't think of anything interesting to snap a pic of either. Also, Instagram might make your second chin less noticeable, but it makes food look disgusting. Throw an Earlybird filter on some spinach ravioli and you're left with what looks like a plate full of alien guts. Let's all just stop the madness.