10 Ways to Avoid Being the Most Hated Guy in College Intramurals

Illustrations by Oliver Robert Holmes

If you’re still young (and therefore lucky), you might be headed back to college in a few weeks. Eating ramen, sleeping late, sometimes going to class, and staving off the real world are all part of the deal. While those things alone add up to a life befitting a king, you’ll also have a chance to play intramural sports—the institution that allows former high-school athletes and the astonishingly uncoordinated everyman to showcase their athletic prowess (or ineptitude) to the campus at large.

Although your intramural career won’t be televised, celebrated with a Heisman Trophy, or cared about by anyone, it’s still damn fun. And that’s the way you’ll want to remember it, as fun—not some dog-eat-dog world filled with cutthroat competition, heated arguments, and targeted ACLs.

Whether you’re an incoming freshman stepping into the world of semi-competition for the first time or a senior who already knows the drill, you’re destined to come across an inevitable stream of jags.

To sum it up, you don’t want to end up like those people.

So with all that in mind, here are 10 simple ways to avoid being the most hated guy in college intramurals.

If you play intramurals long enough, you’re bound to bump into a wannabe Pete Carroll doling out an inspirational speech to fire up the troops. That being said, there’s an instantly recognizable difference between a Super Bowl-winning coach screaming, “Nobody believes in us!” before a game against the New England Patriots, and a college kid—​two years and an internship away from his first full-time job—saying the same thing to an open league co-ed team that's forced to deploy any able bodies they can find to avoid a forfeit.

Before you’ve even taken the court or field, you know you’re facing a clown if a dude shows up decked out in hella armbands, headbands, neon gear, and whatever other useless crap he purchased off the rack at Dick’s. Anybody who needs to bring this much attention to themselves is overcompensating, likely for their play on the field.

Professional officials at the highest level of sports routinely butcher calls, drawing the ire of outraged players, fans, and tweeting spouses alike. And that’s after years of training and a rigorous weeding out process that leaves the best refs standing.

So think to yourself: What's going to happen if you put a 20-year-old who’s having trouble deciding on a major in charge of officiating an intramural game? There’s a strong likelihood he’ll stink, and when he does, don’t go full LeBron/D-Wade/Ayesha Curry on him just because you need to justify your 1-14 shooting performance.

Look, nobody’s saying annoying people didn’t exist before the internet, but it’d be silly to argue that the web hasn’t brought out the worst of the worst kinds of people. With that said, people do insane things to try to go viral.

Resist the urge to posterize some 5-foot tall girl who’s only playing because her sorority is making her. On the microscopic chance that it does get spread around the web, there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll lead to angry classmates telling you to delete your account and calling for your head. You know, until they get bored and move onto something else.

In an era of trigger warnings, it doesn’t take much to set off an undergrad. Dropping a host of expletives and epithets on an overwhelmed opponent whose face you just popped a three in is hardly subtle and needlessly obnoxious.

If you must sling mud, do it as a response to trash talking. Don’t start a war of words in what’s essentially a glorified exhibition.

It should go without saying that this point is doubly true if you can’t back it up.

Intramurals are sure to feature the tool who brings his girl to the games to take photos for Instagram, or who has a cheering section that goes crazy when he hits threes. That just isn’t necessary. Save the Snapchats for something more exciting.

Whether your intramural of choice is football, soccer, or basketball, don’t be a ball hog. Don’t yell at the QB (T.O. style) to lob it up to you when you’re in triple coverage, and don’t jack up shots like you’re Kobe Bryant playing the final game of his career. Intramurals are supposed to be fun. Don’t be the guy who turns his teammates into spectators.

In intramural sports, you’ll learn that some people try desperately to recreate the golden age that was their (often mediocre) high school athletics career. How do you identify these knobs? They’ll be psyching themselves up before games by sitting alone in a corner, blaring Drake’s “Forever” into their ears like they’re about to play in the state championship.

Intramurals aren’t Friday Night Lights and while that may be a bummer for some, try to see the silver lining: Sure, you’re no longer playing for anything of vast importance, but at least you’re also not practicing three hours a day, six days a week anymore.

The guy who gives too much effort is annoying, but the guy who gives no effort at all is just useless. And annoying. You have to find a delicate balance, which will help you later on in life. After all, trying just hard enough to avoid suspicion among your peers is a valuable skill and will serve you well once you land your first job.

There’s nothing worse than having to forfeit a game because of an unexpected no-show. It sucks for both your teammates and opponents who just want to play. Reasonable people don’t sign up for intramurals to hoist a trophy or pass some pathetic story of their glory days down the family ladder as they get older. They’re doing it to have fun and be active.

Trust me, you’ll have all of college (and afterward) to acquire a lifetime of nagging injuries and obligations that will transform you from a carefree twig to a big, stressed out blob of a human being. You might as well enjoy a semi-active lifestyle while you still can.

Oh, and you’re the one that signed up to play intramurals in the first place. Honor the small commitment.