Athletes aren’t alone in inking new deals and planning their professional futures this summer. Execs, coaches, and player personnel guys are doing the same off the court. For every plum gig like Steph Curry’s shooting coach or the stability of Steelers head coach, another unlucky jobseeker will wind up in professional hell.
A litany of high-level jobs are tainted by the internal climate they exist in. Imagine being Tiger Woods’ swing coach between 1996 and 2008. Now envision getting a call to help rebuild his violent swing between 2008 and 2017. Five years ago, the Los Angeles Dodgers and Clippers might as well have operated in Chernobyl. An infusion of competency in the form of Magic Johnson and Steve Ballmer, respectively, transformed these organizations back into desirable hotspots. However, the landscape of professional sports is filled with career sinkholes. This is a guide to the worst of the worst; 2017’s most toxic positions in pro sports.
Honorable Mention
KNICKS HEAD COACH
James Dolan blows through money like a young Jordan Belfort and gave Phil Jackson a Wall Street-caliber golden parachute. His coaches don’t have as long to audition, however. He’s now had 12 since 2000.
TRUMP’S CADDY
He’s not a pro, but Trump spends more time on the course than Tiger Woods and working for him sounds unbearable.
ORLANDO MAGIC GENERAL MANAGER
A mom-and-pop franchise tucked between Miami and Atlanta, they can’t lure elite free agents and the current roster is replete with ill-fitting assets that don’t have high upsides.
Cleveland Cavaliers General Manager
Cleveland rates low in quality of life, won’t be competitive in the near future, and the owner has never extended a general manager. Previous team president David Griffin was so tired of being the NBA’s lowest paid in that position that he essentially told Dan Gilbert, “You can’t fire me, because I quit.”
They were previously negotiating with Chauncey Billups, but after Gilbert lowballed him, Billups removed himself from consideration. This isn’t a ship worth going down with.
The Cleveland Cinderellas are almost out of time before transforming back into pumpkins when the doomsday clock lands on 12. LeBron James will enter free agency in 2018, and this time, it’s not a formality that he’ll re-sign. Reportedly, Kyrie Irving is now reaching for his ejection lever as well. Even if someone takes the GM job in 2017, the expectations are championship or bust at a time when their supporting cast is aging and overpaid, and Cleveland doesn’t possess any of their own first-round picks until 2020.
The instability within the front office only adds fuel to the flurry of reports that James will be putting Cleveland in his rearview mirror after finally bringing a title to Northeast Ohio.
New York Jets Offensive Coordinator
The New York Jets find offense offensive. Their best quarterback of the past 40 years was noodle-armed Chad Pennington. Uncle Phil used to throw DJ Jazzy Jeff further than Pennington threw the rock. Those were the glory years.
Josh McCown is expected to win an excruciating QB competition including Christian Hackenberg and Bryce Petty. It’s a trio that has Fireman Ed longing for the halcyon days of Lorenzo Favre, Tim Tebow, and Mark Sanchez. The Jets waived Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker in the offseason, and then waited until the third round to address their receiving corps. First year offensive coordinator John Morton has his work cut out for him and may only have one season before the entire staff gets recycled.
Washington Redskins General Manager
The Redskins are a possible playoff team. The joy of being a general manager is getting to manipulate the roster into your image. Unfortunately, Redskins general managers have been relegated to team president Bruce Allen’s sock puppets.
Allen is a legacy Redskin. His pops, George Allen, succeeded the late Vince Lombardi and won his way into ‘Skins lore. His son Bruce was fired as general manager in 2014, but managed to remain in place as team prez to exert his authority over replacement, Scot McCloughan.
McCloughan’s ouster in March was Allen’s way of getting rid of the middleman. In the four months since, Allen hasn’t hired or interviewed a replacement candidate, so he’s seemingly give up the facade for now. Further complicating matters is their analytics department being considered the NFL’s most regressive. Dan Snyder has a tendency to go over the coaching staff’s head.
Looming over this season is the threat of Kirk Cousins’ free agency. If he has another Pro Bowl–caliber season in him, he may say, “Sayonara!” and reunite with former offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan in San Francisco. It doesn’t help that Bruce Allen pretends not to know his quarterback’s first name.
New Orleans Saints Defensive Coordinator
Mickey Loomis has mismanaged the Saints’ roster worse than No Limit Sports negotiated Ricky Williams’ contract. From 2013 to 2016, they ranked 31st or 32nd in salary cap space.
The result has disproportionately affected the defense. Before the 2013 season, Rob Ryan was hired to replace Steve Spagnuolo. After a turnaround that resulted in New Orleans allowing the fourth fewest yards in the league, Ryan was forced to change his scheme. He was fired not long after the Saints were torched for an NFL single season record for total yardage allowed. The last Saints defensive coordinator to make a lasting impact was Gregg Williams, the fall guy in their Bounty Gate scandal.
Entering the 2017 season, Dennis Allen is tasked with the unenviable task of propping up a Weekend at Bernie’s defense. The defense was buoyed by the renewed commitment to running the football, which diminished the amount of time their defense spent on the field, and adding Adrian Peterson may help. But they still have a slim margin for error.
Under Armour's Global Communications Team
Under Armour has been one of the few entities capable of handing Steph Curry an L since 2015. On two separate occasions, they were skewered on social media during the unveiling of his signature sneakers.
Yet, none of that compares to the hit their brand name took when Kevin Plank strapped on a pair of Steph’s cooking shoes and inserted his foot into his mouth by touting President Trump and his pro-business stance as a real asset for this country. At a time when Muslim bans and unprecedented amounts of corruption connected to Trump’s businesses were dominating the news cycle, those comments were vehemently denounced by Curry and fellow brand endorsers Dwayne Johnson. During the first 100 days of Trump’s presidency their stock was the worst performer in the S&P 500.