Image via Complex Original
If you've never had the experience of watching ESPN's First Take, it's a show that pits two lunatics (Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless) against one another in an effort to recreate the types of irrational feuds common amongst drunken sports fans. Its viewership is mostly aloof soccer moms who are unable to change the treadmill TVs at L.A. Fitness. Still, somehow, it's managed to bring in ratings for over six years. During that time they've staged some ridiculous arguments. From the endless Tebowmania debates to how pitiful Skip Bayless was as a high school basketball player, here are the 15 Most Ridiculous Arguments in ESPN's First Take History.
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15. Does Tim Tebow Inspire You?
Date: 12/13/2011
Guest: Cris Carter
Topic: Tim Tebow
If you want to see a disagreement between grown men go from the country club pool to after hours at the Bad Girls Club house, watch this clip. Cris Carter makes the claim that Tim Tebow "does not" inspire the entire football team and Bayless reacts like a tweaking hobo on bath salts. Keep in mind that this was in the midst of Tebowmania when the God-fearing QB had just led the Broncos to their sixth straight victory. This year, Tebow only has three pass attempts and is more likely to play special teams than line up under center.
14. Chad and Skip Face Off
Date: 9/9/2009
Guest: Chad Ochocinco
Topic: Chad Ochocinco v. Skip Bayless
In this clip Chad Ochocinco and Skip Bayless debate ten points of contention the two have with one another. Bayless, who is perhaps the biggest braggart in broadcasting, barks at Chad for being an egomaniac. By the end, you'll feel bad for both parties. Getting dressed down by Skip Bayless within a nose's whiff of a smelly jock was beneath Chad Johnson in 2009 (though, admittedly, he could do worse today). Then, you realize Bayless is reveling in the glory of a filthy, dramatically lit locker room and seems to get off on the fact that Chad Ochocinco knows his name.
13. LeBron James and KD Can't Be Workout Buddies
Date: 9/11/2012
Topic: LeBron James and Kevin Durant working out together.
Bayless comes out of the gate by proclaiming that Kevin Durant is "once again falling right into LeBron James trap." What devious, maniacal ploy had LBJ set for the Thunder standout you ask? Apparently, he invited Durant to work out with him during the off season. That's it, really. Bayless suggests that James was able to dominate the NBA Finals because "his buddy" Durant didn't talk to trash or get physical with him. Right. Good point, Skip. James' physical edge over Durant likely had more to do with the two clanking weights together during the off season than LBJ's 50-pound advantage. FOH.
12. LeBron, Again
Date: 9/20/2011
Guest: Wale
Topic: Bayless disses LeBron James, Wale (yes, Wale) defends him
To keep debates of LeBron James' worth fresh, First Take invites rappers to duke it out with Skip Bayless on set. Now that's innovation! In this case, Wale does a little name dropping while Bayless barks nonsense for five minutes. At the three-minute mark Bayless calls Dwyane Wade "the best player in basketball" and Wale reacts as though he's just caught whiff of a bad fart. Then, Bayless gives the most awkward rendition of Wale's "Chillin" single to send the show into commercial. You can't make this shit up.
11. Top 5 NBA Players
Date: 8/19/2011
Topic: Top 5 NBA Players
Skip Bayless' top five NBA players in order: Dwyane Wade, Kevin Durant, Dirk Nowitzki, Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony. Stephen A. Smith's list in order: Dwyane Wade, Kobe Bryant, Dwight Howard, Dirk Nowitzki, and Kevin Durant. Now, a rational person might compare these lists and find them to be incredibly similar and egregiously lacking in guys named LeBron James. Somehow, these two manage to bark at one another about how horrible the other's list is and Bayless makes a completely ridiculous case for Kevin Durant at the 5:47 mark. You probably wouldn't think that two grown men could be blinded by rage over the prowess of Russell Westbrook, but these guys make it look easy.
10. Russell Westbrook Is a Curse
Date: 6/20/2012
Topic: Russell Westbrook, a blessing and a curse.
Skip Bayless went all in on the Heat never winning a championship. Ooops. When things looked bleak for the Thunder last June, Bayless found a scapegoat in Russell Westbrook. After game 4 (in which Westbrook scored 43 points on 20-32 shooting) Bayless called the Thunder guard a "disaster" and spent seven minutes screaming like a lunatic about how horribly he played.
9. Chris Broussard's Relationship with LeBron
Date: 6/1/2011
Guest: Chris Broussard
Topic: Another tired debate of LeBron James' worth.
During an especially heated debate over LeBron James, Bayless fires a cheap, but totally accurate criticism of Chris Brousaard by saying at the 3:26 mark, "You sold your journalistic soul to get close to LeBron." Harsh but, you know, probably the most honest observation of Skip Bayless' career.
8. Tim Tebow vs. Kobe Bryant
Date: 8/22/2012
Topic: "Tim Tebow is a better draw than Kobe Bryant."
Stephen A. Smith has a hard time keeping a straight face, feigning outrage by Skip Bayless' claim that Kobe Bryant is overpaid. The two bark at one another for the first few minutes of the clip, then things get weird around 3:20 when Smith goes on a two minute diatribe about what makes a "superstar," particularly how many people they draw to the stadium. At 5:22 Bayless declares that Tebow is a bigger draw than Bryant, throwing Smith into an artificial fit where he threatens to walk off his own show. Next season we're expecting someone to get hit over the head with a steel chair.
7. "Looks Like Tarzan Plays Like Jane"
Date: 9/23/2010
Guest: Dwight Howard
Topic: Skip Bayless says Dwight Howard looks like Tarzan and plays like Jane
Joining the show via satellite, Dwight Howard is asked who—between he and Skip Bayless—is in better shape? Howard, predictably, answers himself. Bayless responds, "At least I don't look like Tarzan and sometimes play like Jane." Hilarious? Eh. Sexist? You bet. The two stumble through insults towards one another until Bayless invites Howard to debate him in studio. Once again, the First Take host fires a shot for the sole purpose of a professional athlete acknowledging his existence.
6. "I Didn't Get Fired Twice as a Head Coach!"
Date: 10/2/2012
Guest: Eric Mangini
Topic: Eric Mangini v. Skip Bayless on how to stop the Cowboys passing game
Eric Mangini was a pretty shitty NFL head coach, but he won a Super Bowl as defensive coordinator. We think it's safe to say he can out scheme Skip Bayless. In this clip, Mangini plays the role of adjunct professor to Bayless' mouthy undergrad in a discussion about defending the Cowboys.
At the minute mark, Stephen A. Smith chimes in via Skype to make a rare, heady point about Bayless looking like an ass for thinking he can out-coach a former NFL headset. At 2:38, a clearly defeated Bayless says, "I didn't get fired twice as head coach." A cheap shot at Mangini who was bounced after unsuccessful stints with the Jets and Browns. Bayless has made a career out of acting like Bill O'Reilly with a press pass, but this is especially prickish. Even for him.
5. Ball So Hard University
Date: 11/8/2011
Guest: Terrell Suggs
Topic: "Ball So Hard University"
Bayless, who looks like a wax statue of Bruce Jenner, infuriates Suggs at 4:19 by suggesting he "eat humble pie" or admit that the Ravens can't win a Super Bowl with Joe Flacco at quarterback. At the five-minute mark Terrell Suggs, who's suffered many concussions and boasts an education from Arizona State, starts flexing and screaming "Ball so hard University!" Cue commercial. Seriously, that's the segment.
4. Bosh Spice
Date: 9/14/2011
Guest: Chris Bosh
Topic: The painfully hilarious nickname of the Heat power forward.
Likely as a result of being unable to book LeBron James, First Take producers set up the world's lamest showdown by inviting Chris Bosh to join Bayless on set. Bayless—who often refers to Bosh as "Bosh Spice"—congratulates the 6-foot-11 professional athlete for having the balls to meet with him face to face. Bosh starts out with a perplexing, completely ridiculous lecture on his family's name. Bayless counters with a long-winded rant about Bosh's lack of aggression on the court. Then, Jamele Hill chimes in with a dizzying, senseless defense of Bosh. The event culminates with Bayless taking a rant into commercial while Bosh sits in his chair expressionless for 12 minutes.
3. Blake Griffin: Black or White?
Date: 1/20/2011
Guest: Rob Parker
Topic: How do you view Blake Griffin? Black or white?
Skip Bayless asks, "Why shouldn't I—as a white person—be able to take some pride in Blake Griffin's rise because he did come from a white mom?" Uh, huh? Skip—if it makes you feel better—go bananas about Blake Griffin coming from a white mother. That's really important and something you should be really proud of. Somehow, these clowns manage to seriously debate this for five and a half minutes and keep a straight face.
2. Nelly > Jay-Z and Eminem
Date: 9/14/2010
Guest: Rob Parker
Topic: Skip Bayless debates Jay-Z vs. Eminem
All you need to know about this clip is that Skip Bayless will take Nelly over Eminem and Jay-Z. How this topic worked it's way into the "sports-themed" show. We have no clue. Just watch.
1. "Water Pistol Pete"
Date: 4/10/2012
Guest: Jalen Rose
Topic: Jalen Rose stumbles across Skip Bayless' high school basketball stats.
When Skip Bayless went to high school (sometime during the William McKinley administration) he claims to have won MVP in a state-wide basketball camp. Bayless tweeted of the supposed life event that he "Decided I was Maravich." Unfortunately for him, the Internet exists and Jalen Rose stumbled across his pitiful stat line. As a senior, Bayless averaged 1.6 points per game. If you're doing the math, that's less than bucket per match at a time when players wore belts in their shorts and exclusively featured the bounce pass. If you want to see a pathetic old man awkwardly defend why he lied about his high school basketball prowess, check out the full clip.