Image via Complex Original
The 2012-13 NBA season is in full swing. Sports writers in Houston are sharpening their homespun Jeremy Lin puns ("Deep 'Lin' the Heart of Texas"?). Spike Lee is regularly picking up a pallet of freshly pressed, customizable throwbacks from the dry cleaners. And, unaware the basketball season has started, Heat Nation continues to frequent the Miami area club scene between junior college classes and venereal disease treatments. It's truly the most wonderful time of the year. Take the baseless optimism of the new season and cheer your team on with a shred of dignity. In other words, avoid acting like these 10 Types of NBA Fans We Love to Hate.
Written by Sean Evans (@seanseaevans)
The Experts
Thanks to NBA 2K12 and retro Jordans, there are stadiums full of jersey adorning sports fanatics who think they're equipped to sit on an NBA bench with a dry erase board. We get it dude, you were all-conference honorable mention in high school, that doesn't mean you know how to turn the Lakers season around. Stop suggesting as much to @DwightHoward from your iPhone. Oh, wait, you were runner up in last year's Yahoo! fantasy basketball league!? Sorry, we didn't know we were talking to an expert. Tell us more about what the Celtics can do to win a title this year. We're all ears.
Brooklyn Fashionistas
Wow, Nets fans. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and already you're the most unbearable fan base in basketball. You realize Instagramming pictures of snakeskin snapbacks and Joe Johnson jerseys doesn't automatically make your team a contender, right? If it did, this roster that finished 11 games behind the Milwaukee Bucks last season would be the '95-'96 Chicago Bulls.
We get that Jay-Z's willing to demean himself by performing at halftime like he's a tight-roper in the Russian circus, but remember they're still the Nets. You know why the Wizards don't charge $800 for a ticket? Because they fucking suck. Contenders don't let Sideshow Bob Anderson Varejao drop 35 and 18 on 'em.
Just...Celtics Fans
Bostonians: the baseless self-entitlement of New Yorkers with the boorish, insufferable air of Philadelphians. Rajon Rondo shoots like Steven Tyler looks, but Celtics fans still think he's the best point guard in the league. If you ever want to pick a fight with a ginger kid that dresses like Mac Miller, mention Derrick Rose or Russell Westbrook in Boston Garden. Mark Wahlberg will smash a bottle of Jameson over your head. Seventeen Championships, we get it. But Tom Brady fumbled, Manny Ramirez was on 'roids, and Cheers fucking sucked. Don't get too full of yourselves.
Celebs
The average cost of an NBA ticket is about $50. So, it has to irk the Average Joe when franchises host celebs for the mere privilege of showcasing a totally disinterested Zac Efron courtside. In trying economic times, it'll cost you half a pay check to park your '99 Suburban in the Staples Center parking lot, but the stadium will roll out the red carpet for the Kardashian sisters. Khloe's honestly famous for being the Kardashian who Lamar Odom plans developing type II diabetes with. But you know what? She rests her order of super sized nachos on a seat that costs more than your rent. #letthatshitburn
Commentators
If you want to be universally loved, forget a career in broadcasting. You can't compliment a team without necessarily dissing their opponent. If you give props to a player, the opposing fan base will accuse you of being a slurping groupie. You can't win.
We love to hate commentators because, well, we're insanely jealous. We're twice as talented as Jeff Van Gundy and would do his job at half the price. Since we'll never get a shot, we're content to scream at him from a hand-me-down couch in a studio apartment.
Mouthy Owners
We're not sure what's up with NBA owners lately. The NBA's recent lockout was about reaching into player's pockets for an extra $300M a season. When Clippers owner Donald Sterliing's not spouting racist vitriol, he's settling sexual harassment cases out of court. And Mark Cuban thinks he's bigger than the NBA because he sold a shitty dot-com company to Yahoo! before the bubble burst. Now, that guy can't go a game without spazzing on an official from his bench seat and it drives the rest of us insane.
The Great Debater
Chicago fans are the most insufferable in all sports. If you need confirmation, start a greatest of all-time debate while waiting for a urinal at the United Center. We're not trying to say that LeBron's better than MJ (we don't need one of you maniacs smashing a bottle of Goose Island over our heads), we're just telling the Windy City that their ad nauseum defense of the throne comes off terribly insecure. Since '98, Jordan's shown his mug on Michigan Avenue to open a steakhouse. That's it. He's as sick of y'all as we are.
Heat Nation
Miami gets a lot of credit for having beautiful women, but where are they? Every time the camera flashes to the Heat crowd, it's a bunch of tools that look like Guy Fieri and specifically obese area rappers. Seriously. American Airlines Arena is a seemingly permanent strip club bouncer convention. Anyway, NBA fans loath Heat Nation because they're totally undeserving of a flagship franchise. They show up in the second quarter, text through the game, and think Mario Chalmers is a laser hair removal spa.
The Fat Guy With Dance Moves
Can we talk about fat guys dancing (sometimes with their shirts off) for a second? Stadiums across the country are packed with dudes who apparently spend all their money on body paint, season tickets, and soda taxes. That shtick is just totally played out. Fellas, if we wanted to be grossed out at a basketball game, we'd buy Pistons tickets.
The Bandwagon Rider
For the next decade, Miami and Los Angeles will trade NBA championships. It's sad, really. You won't find two less-deserving cities. The Staples Center is basically worth its weight in Papparazzo negatives, with a collection of Hollywood backwash that spends most of the game pounding away on an iPhone. When the Lakers stink, the joint empties out like Saddle Ranch after last call. Unfortunately, those moments have been few and far between since, like, the Cuban Missile Crisis. With David Stern's pending retirement, the Lakers will be free to trade without the fear of veto and be a team we love to hate for another half century.