Image via Complex Original
Intro
Relationships end for any number of reasons. Sometimes, one side will issue an ultimatum that the other side just isn't ready for, like "Marry me, or I'm leaving." Sometimes the split is mutual. And SOMETIMES, you come home early from work to find your girlfriend of five years blowing the UPS guy in the kitchen.
Sorry, that got personal for a second. We apologize. This isn't about us, it's about great sports cities that get broken off by their teams. This is for the Seattles who unexpectedly lost their beloved Sonics, or the L.A.'s who miss their Rams, and New Jersey who recently had a long cry about the Nets. We're sorry, guys. This is our tribute to those broken cities. We hope our analysis helps you heal.
Seattle
Seattle
OMG what happened!?: Seattle and the Supersonics ended their 41-year relationship in 2008. Desperate to be famous for something besides Timothy McVeigh, Oklahoma City bought the team's affection and now call them the Thunder.
How they broke up: The guy who founded Starbucks couldn't extort a new stadium from the taxpayers of Washington. So he sold the team. Rather than seeking a local buyer that might have kept the team in Seattle, the coffee magnate sold to out-of-state owners who, as predicted, moved the team to Oklahoma City.
Type of breakup: Seattle was a caring partner to the Sonics and thought everything was going well. Then, the Sonics started taking hours to text back, turned in to a total flakes on weekend, and, when pressed, claimed to be "just—really busy right now!" After a drawn out, dramatic few years of drunk texts and bothering close friends with I'm-just-like-totally-confused conversations, Seatown struggles to fall asleep while wearing an extra large Shawn Kemp jersey like a night slip. Sometimes, the Emerald City scrolls pictures on Facebook and talks shit about how "fugly" the Thunder uniforms are. It's sad and they're still not over it.
Atlanta
Atlanta
OMG what happened!?: Atlanta lost—not one—but two NHL teams to Canada in a span of 30 years. The Atlanta Flames moved to Calgary where they've won as many championships (one) as the entire city of Atlanta in over 150 seasons of major pro sports. Ouch. The city rebounded with another hockey team (the Thrashers) who spent a decade in the ATL before fleeing to Winnipeg.
How they broke up: Despite having a formidable team and decent attendence, the Flames were without a TV deal and bleeding cash. Operating costs sent 'em to the Great White North where those Canucks support anything on ice.
With low attendance, one could blame Atlanta for not giving the Thrashers the love they deserved. But love, like trust, is something that's earned in a relationship. The Thrashers made one playoff appearance in their 13-year stint in Atlanta, especially pathetic when you consider that literally over half the league makes the postseason in the NHL.
Type of breakup: Meh. Let's face it, Atlanta is stagnant and unmotivated. It's a fun city but when a hockey teams lays stakes, the city's true colors come out. Like Usher, the city has major commitment issues. Classic case of a couple headed in different directions. Hotlanta, if you don't give hockey the smothering, pathetic love it deserves, Canada will. Trust.
New Jersey
New Jersey
OMG what happened!?: The Nets reprioritized things and decided being cool is more important than be good at basketball. So, they're ditching Jersey for Brooklyn. Good start.
How they broke up: In what might be the least emotional team relocation in sports history, Brooklyn and its famed hip-hop mogul owner laid the infrastructure for a move to the borough. After handing the reins to a Russian billionaire and constructing a $700M stadium, the Brooklyn Nets t-shirt became the hottest sports fashion item since the Mighty Ducks Starter jacket.
Type of breakup: Sometimes you snag someone before they peak. Then, the second they realize they're way too hot and successful for your loser ass, they bounce. The Nets were a disaster in Jersey and the only way to escape that blackhole is to leave it. Sorry. The Nets are enrolling in nursing school, picking up some extra shifts at Olive Garden, and joining a CrossFit gym. Go, girl! Don't look back.
Cleveland
Cleveland
OMG what happened!?: Despite a loyal following and nearly a half-century relationship with Cleveland, the Browns dickhead owner broke things off unexpectedly. After losing the team to Baltimore in '96, the city's rebounded with an NFL franchise that's been to all of one postseason since '99.
How they broke up: Browns owner Art Modell signed a 25-year, sweetheart lease with the city of Cleveland. He paid a modest annual rent and, in return, kept all revenue generated by Cleveland Stadium—during both football AND baseball season. That was a really awesome thing Modell had going on, until the Indians moved to Jacobs Field. Oops. With robbing the Indians no longer an option, Modell was left to foot the bill for his own stadium. Since billionaires with money-printing factories prefer to place the burden of running those facotries on the public, Modell moved to the city of Baltimore. Why? Because Baltimore was slutty enough to build him a stadium.
Type of Breakup: Losing that first love is the hardest type of breakup. Some say you never truly get over it and—for Cleveland—that's especially true. Baltimore's gone on to eight postseasons in the last eleven seasons. The Browns? One. If losing your soulmate weren't heartache enough, now she's on the East coast with an awesome job, got her teeth fixed, and is wearing a ring. Then, this happened with the rebound chick.
Minnesota
Minneapolis
OMG what happened!?: The "Land of 10,000 Lakes" lost their beloved basketball team to the City of Angels. They still go by the "Lakers" which is totally lame since the closest thing Los Angeles has to a lake is a puddle of bum urine on Alameda Street. Los Angeles Lakers. Dumb name.
How they broke up: The Minnesota Lakers were the NBA's original dynasty, winning five championships in six seasons through the mid 1950s. Then, they had a dramatic fall off in wins and attendance. As baseball teams like the New York Giants and Brooklyn Dodgers headed to Cali, the Lakers followed and became the league's first West Coast team.
Type of breakup: Depends. Right now, it's water under the bridge. Minnesota sees Los Angeles at a party with their former Lakers in tow and everything's cool. Minnesota says "howdy," and sparks up a playful debate about 5 Guys versus In-N-Out Burger. But, if Los Angeles steals the Vikings, it's going to start looking like Fargo up in here.
San Diego
San Diego
OMG what happened!?: The Clippers left icy buffalo for sunny California. After a brief and miserable stay in San Diego, the club sought Hollywood dreams in Los Angeles. For years they struggled to establish themselves, landing mostly unpaid theater gigs, open mic nights, and working valet at Spago just to make ends meet. Then, they met a guy named Blake and, finally, they could let the past be the past.
How they broke up: The Clippers run in San Diego was short (and shitty). The team put together one winning season in six years. And, in their one gesture of fan appreciation, signed NBA champion and San Diego native Bill Walton (who, indicative of their luck, missed the season with a foot injury). With the team struggling to draw and bleeding cash, they were sold to Donald Sterling who, as expected, moved the Clippers to Los Angeles.
Type of breakup: Classic case of a person trying to find themselves. The Clippers went through a soul searching phase during their adolescent years. A whole bunch of longboarding, fish tacos, and beer bongs in San Diego. Basically, a complete waste of time. The Clippers, until recently, have been a Lindsay Lohan-like, drug induced shame spiral. But maybe, just maybe, Los Angeles is finally ready to love and the Clippers are ready to be loved. Only time will tell.
Las Angeles
Los Angeles
OMG what happened!?: The second most populous city in the United States lost a pair of NFL teams on the same day in 1994. Ouch. Lost, broken, and alone—the city has been without football love for nearly two decades.
How they broke up?: When word got out that Rams owner Georgia Frontiere was shopping the team, angry fans exercised the only power angry fans truly have: they stopped showing up. Mound City offered Frontiere a $300M stadium and—POOF—the Los Angeles Rams became the St. Louis Rams.
Al Davis brought the Raiders to Los Angeles with the assumption that the league would approve plans to make his games pay-per-view. They didn't. When an earthquake damaged The Coliseum and Los Angeles balked at the repair costs, Al moved the team to Oakland. In a tragically poetic coincidence both the Rams and Raiders lost their final games in Los Angeles on the same day—Christmas Eve of 1994.
Type of breakup: Like many of its citizens, Los Angeles needs to come to grips with the fact that they're not as hot as they used to be. With their boob job sagging, chain smoking, and donned in Ed Hardy accessories—the city wonders why successful guys aren't lining up to buy them lobster dinners anymore. The NFL doesn't need Los Angeles. It's Los Angeles that needs the NFL. In couples counseling they call that "a breakthrough."
Montreal
Montreal
OMG what happened!?: In a rather curious example of international relations, the United States stole America's pastime from our Canadian neighbors. Now playing in America's capital, the Expos have become the Nationals.
How they broke up: Unlike in the United States, Quebec could not "in good conscience" provide public funding to build a stadium while the province was closing hospitals. With that sort of pussy, altruistic way of thinking, it's a miracle MLB didn't take the country's circular bacon and delicious maple syrup along with the Expos. USA! USA! USA!
Type of breakup: Montreal will forever be tortured by "what could have been." The one that got away, if you will. Cue the Katy Perry. The Expos were steamrolling baseball when a player lockout ended the '94 season in mid-August. A deep playoff run or World Series championship would have bolstered the city's campaign for a new stadium. Instead, ownership let the team fall apart and, ultimately, the franchise.
Brooklyn
Brooklyn
OMG what happened!?: Despite breaking baseball's color barrier together and playing in perhaps sports' most revered stadium, the Dodgers ditched BK for LA less than three years after winning a World Series. Cold.
How they broke up: Walter O'Malley bought the Dodgers in 1950. He inherited Ebbets Field—a storied institution turned decayed slum. And Brooklyn—a crime-ridden gutter turned crime AND drug-ridden gutter. To his credit, he sort of attempted to keep the Dodgers in BK by building a stadium at the corner of Atlantic and Flatbrush without the use of public money, albeit by lowballing the shit out of NYC on the property, but still. The Big Apple scoffed at O'Malley's offer just in time for the transcontinental airline business to take off (so to speak), making it easy for the team to move to Los Angeles.
Type of breakup: In this case, outside factors played a major role in the breakup. Like, unbearable in-laws or cross-country job transfer, it was just easier to end the relationship than to sort out the logistics of staying together.
Its Not Me Its You
But Sometimes, Staying Together is Worse
A franchise is loyal to a city to the extent that it can exploit its fans and local government. That’s it. The Kings just barely dodged a relocation from Sacramento last year. How? They caved to the insanely loaded Maloof Family and coughed up a new stadium to prevent a move to Anaheim or Vegas. Awesome.
So, Adrienne Maloof (one of Bravo's Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) cries poor to extract some $600M out of the destitute city of Sacramento. Then, she brags on deep cable about her mausoleum of Chanel and Louboutin shoes. Sacramento has lost 80K jobs over the last four years, but will build a new state-of-the-art stadium to help make the billionaire Maloofs more money and, presumeably, buy that old bag more shoes.
Teams are whores. They’re disengenuous, heartless, and an incredibly expensive date. So, your team wants to break up with you (Jacksonville, Minnesota, Memphis). Let them. You’ll be better off for it. Learn guitar, work hard for that job promotion, and it wouldn't hurt to lose a few inches off of that bulbous ass. Minnesota, we're looking at you.