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What would you do with millions of dollars and five months of vacation every year? Exactly. Athletes are just like regular people with limitless bank accounts (most of the time), a cache of followers, and tons of free time. OK, they're not like real people at all—but they sure party like regular people! Or, at least, like regular people with debilitating substance abuse problems.
Since this is the prime time for ballers to rage because all but one of the major pro sports (sorry, MLB) has their offseason during summer, we figure it's the perfect time to check out the ridiculous party lifestyle of some sports stars. From Fred Smoot's boat orgy to Rob Gronkowski's everyday life, here is a Recent History of Athlete Benders.
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Fred Smoot
Cornerback, Minnesota Vikings
Date: 10/6/2005
As the infamous boat sex scandal ringleader, we’re putting this bender on Fred Smoot, although more than a dozen former Vikings (including Daunte Culpepper) participated.
Smoot organized and chartered a boat filled with his Viking teammates and strippers flown in from Atlanta. So far, sounds like the best bye week ever. During the voyage, Culpepper was alleged to have grabbed a stripper during a lap dance. Smoot was purported to have worked as a middle man between the business ends of a double sided dildo (use your imagination). And, perhaps most egregiously, 400-pound tackle Bryant McKinnie reportedly grabbed a stripper, laid her out on the bar and performed oral sex on her. (Yikes, dude! Keep your composure!)
After the cruise the boat crew reported cleaning up spent condoms, K-Y Jelly, Handi wipes and sex toys. The scandal and subsequent media fall out resulted in criminal charges against four Vikings and guilty pleas from McKinnie and Smoot who were charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and the appropriately named "being a nuisance on a watercraft."
John Daly
Professional Golfer
Date: 10/28/2008
John Daly is an experienced boozer, but parties like an amateur. During a night of binge drinking at a North Carolina Hooters, Daly grew increasingly belligerent and was asked to leave by the restaurant’s employees. Daly was predictably uncooperative and the police were called the scene. Upon arrival, the PGA Champion was reportedly found passed out in the bushes outside the establishment, reeking of alcohol and had either pissed himself or spilled a skunked pilsner in his lap.
Josh Hamilton
Outfielder, Texas Rangers
Date: January 2009
Attention recovering alcoholic/drug addicts: don’t rent condos near Arizona State University. Josh Hamilton went from a cautionary tale to baseball’s feel-good, bounce-back story. But nothing challenges four years of sobriety quite like coeds and campus life. That's one thing even a Home Run Derby Champion is not strong enough to fight.
After befriending the bar manager at a watering hole near ASU, Hamilton caved into having a drink, which turned into ordering more drinks and, ultimately, doing body shots off of the wait staff. It's a natural progression. According to a witness, a blacked-out Hamilton asked the manager where he could "buy blow" and, later, drove to a strip club in Phoenix with a stranger.
Nate Myles
Rugby, Sydney Roosters
Date: 11/5/2009
Nate Myles and his rugby teammates went out drinking until 4 a.m. But when he arrived back at the hotel he found himself inexplicably locked out of his room. So, like any normal human being, he thought it a good idea to take a shit on the carpet in the hallway. Stripped completely naked and with a pile of human fecal matter beside him, Myles attempting to enter a sleeping family's room. The family called hotel security which eventually discovered the rugby player naked in a fire escape. Oh, and that pile of shit, they also discovered that pile of shit!
Myles claimed to have a stomach illness after he was suspended and fined by the NRL.
Miguel Cabrera
Third Base, Detroit Tigers
Date: 10/3/2009
It's shocking to think that after 162-game season a pair of teams could be tied for the division lead. In '09, that exact scenario played for the Tigers and Twins, forcing a winner-take-all, one game playoff. And in the night before the most important game of the season, Tigers slugger Miguel Cabrera got totally annihilated with a handful of players from the Chicago White Sox.
Cabrera reportedly got hammered at hotel bar and was unaccounted for until he showed up to his home at 6 a.m. His wife, who was probably aware that bars close at 2am, questioned Cabrera about his whereabouts, starting a domestic disturbance that led to scratches and Cabrera's face and left his wife with a busted lip.
Police were called to Cabrera's home where, according to the police report, was "very uncooperative and highly intoxicated." In fact, Cabrera registered a blood alcohol level of .26, more than three times the legal limit. That's a lot of booze, even for a 240-pound baseball player from the Dominican Republic.
Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski picked Cabrera up at the police station the following morning, less than 10 hours before he was set to take the field. The Tigers would go on to lose their one-game playoff to the Twins who, more than likely, took a bit more prudent approach pregame hydration.
Two years later Cabrera was arrested for DUI and was reportedly so intoxicated that he took a swig of scotch while being questioned by the arresting officer. The highly uncooperative baseball star repeatedly resisted arrest by running into the street with his hands in the air. And when asked to step into the patrol car, Cabrera hit the cops with the always popular, “Fuck you. Do you know who I am?”
Ben Roethlisberger
Quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers
Date: 3/5/2010
Not to be confused with the popular music festival, "Benapalooza" was a horribly ill fated, tritely named event to celebrate Ben Roethlisberger's 28th birthday. Since nothing says "party" quite like industrial, small town America, Roethlisberger and his crew planned a bar crawl in Milledgeville, GA.
While barhopping near Georgia College, the Steelers quarterback took a liking to a 20-year-old coed who would ultimately accuse him of raping her. Roethlisberger reportedly bought shots for the girl and her friends accompanied with the touching toast, "Shots for my bitches!" He called the girl "a tease." And, at one point, denoted the popular 'DTF' acronym by telling her, "I'm not down to fuck, but I like to fuck girls." Thanks for the clarifying, Big Ben!
According to the alleged victim, Roethlisberger followed her into a bathroom "with his penis out of his pants," closed the door behind him and sexually assaulted her. Criminally charges were ultimately dropped against the two-time Super Bowl champion, but the NFL suspended him for six games as a result of the incident.
Steve Ganson
Rugby Official
Date: 8/7/2010
Cabs can often times be a violent point of contention amongst drunks. Rugby official Steve Ganson proved it can also be downright ugly.
When his drunken date was asked to leave a wedding reception, Ganson found himself in an argument over a cab with a 54-year-old woman. In an unfathomable escalation, Ganson pushed the woman to the ground. When the woman's mother stepped in to say something, Ganson swung at her, knocking the elderly woman to the street. Ganson was placed in police custody while the five-foot, 87-year-old woman was rushed to intensive care with a dislocated shoulder and fractured pelvis.
Kayleigh Callaway-Bawden
Women's Rugby, Newquay Queen Bees
Date: 4/4/2011
You know when you're out drinking and the seemingly limitless potential of the evening is destroyed by the spins and an untimely shart? At that point, you have two options. You can keep calm and carry on as they say on Papyrus cards, or you can go completely bat shit crazy like Courtney Love on bath salts. English rugby player Kayleigh Callaway-Bawden opted for the latter.
After reportedly consuming five large bottles of cider, a handful of jagerbombs, and tall Red Bull & vodka, the 20-year-old grew frustrated with her crew of girlfriends for not being as eager to leave the bar as she was. So, naturally, Callaway-Bawden started smashing glasses in the ladies room. Upon being thrown out of the bar, the rugby player satisfied her new found thirst for shattered glass by kicking out the storefront window of a neighboring hair salon. When police arrived on the scene, Callaway-Bawden was in the middle of a full-fledged meltdown, screaming incoherently and bleeding from the hands. After being taken to the ground in a struggle with police officers, a cuffed Callaway-Bawden reportedly spit on the cops and began head butting the concrete sidewalk.
Patrick Kane
Right Wing, Chicago Blackhawks
Date: 5/5/2012
If you're the drunkest person in Madison you definitely have a drinking problem. The narrative of Patrick Kane's legendary weekend on the University of Wisconsin's campus is almost folklore. A weekend that almost wasn't epic because he spent most of his time passed out in a bar stool.
The editors over at Deadspin solicited witness accounts of Kane's night, here's a chronology:
Friday:
- Kane is thrown out of a campus bar Friday night around 10 p.m. He's not seen again that evening.
Saturday:
- Around 8 a.m. the next morning, Kane is seen at a day party for Cinco de Mayo.
- Kane becomes increasingly intoxicated throughout the morning, allegedly abusing women verbally.
- The Blackhawks star supposedly grabs a woman by the throat bringing a pack of angry frat guys to throw him out the door. Words are exchanged but Kane and his cronies leave peacefully.
- The crew heads to another campus bar where Kane passes out in a dining booth some time around noon.
Saturday Night:
- Around 5:00 p.m. Kane is involved in a confrontation outside a bar for allegedly saying something anti-Semitic to a group of students.
- Cops arrive on the scene with the intention of arresting Kane. He's allowed to walk away but appears to be shaken up by the incident
- Kane hits the town again that night, getting thrown out of a pair of campus bars and is reportedly carried home by his friends around 1:00 a.m.
Paul Hamm
Gymnast, Team USA
Date: 11/8/2011
With all the senseless arrests of athletes drunk driving, it’s nice to see Paul Hamm had the sense to call a cab after a night of drinking. It would've have been especially charming if he didn’t assault his driver.
The Olympic gold medalist found himself in an argument with his driver over cab fare. Like the proud champion that he is, Hamm refused to give in and responded to the driver by kicking out the windows of his vehicle. When police arrived Hamm estimated his drink total to be "around eight" that evening. And, rather inexplicably, said to his arresting officers, “You guys are so funny. You guys have no idea. I’m going to kill you guys.”
Ohio State, being the prestigious, academically-focused institution that it is, fired Hamm as an assistant coach in their gymnastics program after the incident made headlines.
Rob Gronkowski
Tight End, New England Patriots
Date: 2/5/2012-Present
In all honesty, we could have made a list like this for the Patriots tight end based on the last six months alone. Gronkowski was held to 26-yards-receiving on a busted ankle during the Patriots Super Bowl loss to the Giants. But when you're a 23-year-old millionaire, you tend to get over stupid shit like that quickly.
On the night of the Super Bowl, a sweat-soaked Gronkowski was seen bouncing on his busted ankle in bro-like bliss. Then, Gronk took a trip to Aruba where he (possibly) "hooked up" with a girl that was sixteen-years-old. SMH. After that it was off to Spring Break in South Padre where he was photographed at 2 a.m., piss drunk in a pair of Zubaz. According to tweets from a handful of women at a recent charity event, Gronk purposely dumped his rum and coke on a woman. And he raged his face off at the ESPY’s so hard, Patriots brass to hit him with a cease and desist on his partying. Epic.
Jason Kidd
Guard, New York Knicks
Date: 11/15/2012
DUI's are a rite of passage for folks in The Hamptons, like a first hair cut for rich people. Jason Kidd endeared himself to the neighborhood with one hell of a impaired joy ride to his newly acquired, $6M mansion.
After making an appearance for a charity that raises money to "empower and inspire youth in foster care," Kidd went clubbing. Naturally. Kidd hit the SL East nightclub so hard that, according to a witness, he was carried out after trying to swing from a light fixture and ripping it out of the ceiling.
From there, police allege that the Knicks guard blew a stop sign and crashed into a telephone pole, snapping the pole in half as his SUV skidded into a nearby wooded area. An officer noted that Kidd smelled of alcohol and was unsteady on his feet when he was discovered at the scene of the car crash.